Why “Should” Statements Cause Guilt and Self-Doubt

Should Statements be errors of cognition that lead to feelings of guilt, and self-doubt and elicit perfectionism and self-criticism? Individuals manifesting anxiety and depression symptoms often engage in self-talk which includes “I should have” or “I ought to”. These cognitive distortions elicit feelings of guilt when these individuals fail to act or conform to these statements thereby raising self-doubt and pessimism in the same. Should statements produce unrealistic expectations, often imposing high and unachievable standards on themselves and others surrounding them?

Moreover, it elicits negative emotions like feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy and disappointment when their expectation is unmet in reality. As a result, this turns into shame, where one sees themselves as inherently flawed, rather than viewing mistakes as learning experiences. Should statements prevent cognitive flexibility making individuals resist change and thus have difficulty adapting to new circumstances due to rigid and absolute beliefs? This rigid pattern of thinking like “I should always succeed” increases stress and anxiety to meet the high standards and expectations set by the individual. Constantly telling ourselves that we “should” be different or do better implies that who we are and what we exhibit isn’t enough.

If someone feels they “should” pursue a certain career to make others happy, they may eventually feel resentment toward those expectations and the people who impose them. Over time, this erodes self-esteem, and people may feel inadequate and worthless. Moreover, should statements align with perfectionism, where the set goals need to be met, if unmet it leads to chronic stress, burnout and inability to appreciate accomplishments. When one focuses on “shoulds,” we tend to limit our ability to accept ourselves which blocks growth and change, as people may feel trapped by unrealistic standards rather than recognizing and celebrating their progress. 

Should statements influence an individual’s behaviour and interpersonal relationships? “They should know what I need” This cognitive error produces misunderstandings, resentment and unmet expectations, leading our partners to feel judged and not capable of meeting our needs. Additionally, setting unrealistic goals elicits procrastination and avoidance of those entities which cannot be achieved, as a way to escape pressure. As “should” statements focus on what we ought to be doing rather than acknowledging what we are doing, they can create a sense of stagnation, thus preventing them from experiencing joy and fulfilment in the present moment.

How to Prevent this Thinking Error?

1. Identification and Challenge of Thought

Diaries, journals, and thought logs, help to notice and record the thinking distortions, helping us assess which situations trigger such a response. Challenging the thought refers to the cost-benefit analysis of the situation, assessing the reality of the expectations and standards set and whether these high standards and needs are reinforced through external expectations or perfectionist thinking. 

2. Replacement of Should Statements With Other Alternatives

Reframing the sentence with alternatives that offer choice and agency. Instead of “I should never make mistakes” could be replaced by “I am allowed to make mistakes as it helps me learn and grow”.

3. SMART Goals

Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-bound goals should be set. When goals are realistic and are in congruence with what’s achievable, there’s less disappointment if things don’t go in according to what was expected. This approach also fosters a growth mindset, focusing on progress rather than perfection. 

4. Focus on Self-Compassion

Individuals should consider themselves with the same amount of kindness and understanding as one would be with their friend. This approach is a technique adopted in cognitive behavioural therapy referred to as the double-standard method. One should be aware that everyone has limitations and that failure, mistakes, and setbacks are natural parts of growth. Instead of saying “I should have done better,” one should counter it with, “I did my best given the circumstances, and I’m learning from this experience.”

5. Redefining Expectations

Our “should” statements originate from valid desires or goals but are framed as obligations. For instance, “I should work out every day” may reflect a genuine desire to stay fit, but a more helpful reframe could be, “I want to stay healthy, and exercising a few times a week supports that goal.” This kind of reshaping allows for flexibility while keeping the underlying desire intact.

6. Re-Evaluating Judgement As A Curiosity

Mindfulness practices help one to recognize whether statements are beneficial to one or not. This approach creates a pattern of awareness that helps one to assess when these should statements arise, further leading one to indulge in coping strategies to manage these triggers effectively. When a “should” thought appears, one should get curious about it and ask questions like “Where is this coming from? What fear or need is behind this?” By replacing judgmental thinking with curiosity, an individual can create room for understanding and growth.

7. Seeking Professional Help

If should statements contribute to impairment in daily functioning over social, interpersonal and occupational domains, one should consider seeking help from a therapist or clinician. They will aid in identifying negative thought patterns and break the vicious and automatic negative cycle thereby dropping avoidance, escape, procrastination and safety behaviours. Moreover, they help to create a better understanding of self and develop coping strategies to alleviate the overwhelming situations when expectations are unmet.

Overcoming “should” statements takes time and practice, but these strategies can help foster a mindset that values self-compassion, realistic goals, and personal growth over rigid expectations and self-criticism. This shift can ultimately lead to a more flexible, resilient, and fulfilling approach to life.