The Psychology Behind Self-Sabotaging

It is puzzling to imagine why anyone knowingly prevents themselves from achieving self-set goals. The tendency to self-sabotage seems irrational, yet most of us consciously or unconsciously engage in it. Think about the times when the fear of failure led you to procrastinate on assignments or skip practice for a presentation, eventually producing the dreaded poor performance. However, you pacified yourself using false excuses like not having enough time and undermining your abilities. 

Psychologists are drawn by the counterproductive nature of self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviours. While these maladaptive shortcuts prove beneficial in the short run, they eventually harm our well-being. Psychologists aim to identify the signs of self-sabotage, understand its root cause and then facilitate individuals to overcome it through effective strategies. 

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What is Self-Sabotage? 

Self-sabotage or self-defeating behaviours include creating obstacles to attain purposeful goals. The American Psychological Association defines them as repetitive attempts that prevent goal fulfilment by resulting in misfortune. Behavioural scientist David Chan reports that self-sabotaging behaviours largely concern two types of situations: 

1. Personal Dimension: Students sometimes choose to start a Netflix series during the examination and attribute poor performance to external factors rather than their lack of self-discipline. Here, one displays counterproductive actions to protect their self-esteem in the face of failure–a temporary fix with long-term repercussions. 

2. Relational Dimension: We may sabotage our relationships at home and work by creating negative self-perceptions through our words and actions. During disagreements, many try to win the argument by hook or crook rather than looking for a solution. When the relationship starts crumbling, our minds are bombarded with “ what ifs.” 

Diverse Manifestations 

Baumeister and Scher (1988) categorise self-defeating behaviours into three types:

• Primary self-destruction: It is the most irrational and confusing form. Some people might intentionally try to fail due to intense feelings of anxiety and guilt.
• Trade-offs: These include behaviours that produce short-term benefits but result in long-term harm, such as substance abuse and self-handicapping. They are often displayed by highly emotional and/or self-aware individuals; for instance, shy people avoid interactions, leading to low confidence. 
• Counterproductive strategies: These include miscalculation of one’s abilities or the reality of situations, like self-preservation acts, learned helplessness, perfectionism, self-fulfilling prophecies and procrastination. 

Self-sabotaging behaviours don’t occur in isolation and reinforce each other, producing a self-sabotage cycle. Makkar and Saha (2023) found that a combination of self-sabotaging behaviour towards self, like overthinking and towards work, like avoiding risks, and in relationships like unrealistic expectations, exist simultaneously among 86 Indian women. 

Psychological Explanations 

• Psychoanalytic Defence mechanisms: According to the psychoanalytic perspective, self-sabotage works at an unconscious level and is rooted in unresolved childhood conflicts. They resemble the defence mechanisms individuals employ to avoid the associated anxiety and protect themselves. 
• Insecure Attachment Style: Researchers have associated two insecure attachment styles, avoidant and anxious, with self-sabotage. Individuals with avoidant attachment actively disengage themselves, while individuals with anxious attachment seek external validation, often destroying their relationships. 
• Maladaptive Cognitions: Cognitive-behavioural theorists attribute self-sabotage to irrational and distorted beliefs such as fear of failure, need for control and low self-esteem that produce maladaptive behaviours. Stanford lecturer Chamine outlines ten cognitive distortions as saboteurs. 
• Environmental Determinants: At times, self-sabotaging behaviours are reinforced by environmental influences such as societal expectations and peer pressure. Often, we unknowingly imitate the dysfunctional behaviours of others. 

Assessing Self-Sabotaging Tendencies 

What’s Your Trigger?

In her 2019 book, “Stop Self-Sabotage,” Dr Judy Ho describes self-sabotage signs as negative automatic thoughts. Ho has developed a self-examination technique involving six hypothetical narratives that represent unique cognitive distortions. The respondent identifies the narratives they resonate with the most and accordingly works to develop an action plan to counter them. 

Self-Sabotage Quiz by CounsellorCronan

The quiz involved twenty true/false statements that represent four elements–low self-concept, internalised traditions, fear of the unknown and excessive need for control–contributing to self-sabotage. By identifying the biggest contributor, the respondent understands how to end self-sabotage. 

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Overcoming Self-defeating behaviours 

• Three Hs: David Chan provides a reflective strategy to overcome self-sabotage by becoming humble, humane and the three Hs. Humility generates self-awareness about the signs of it, helping us accept our mistakes and genuinely ask for help. Honesty facilitates us to objectively question our assumptions against facts and build the ability to provide and receive constructive feedback effectively. Lastly, being humane means mastering the art of kindness and empathy when faced with disagreements to avoid self-sabotaging our social bonds. Chan emphasises that practising the three Hs reduces the tendency to self-sabotage by cultivating the three Rs–” refrain, reflect and resolve”- that help us achieve our goals instead of reacting impulsively. 
• Mastery Mindset: Since self-sabotage seemingly protects one from rejection and failure, developing mastery in priority domains builds self-confidence to achieve goals. Mastery goal orientation helps one to attribute poor performance to controllable factors and adopt adaptive problem-solving methods. 
• Self-compassion: While we empathise and try to understand our dear one’s actions, we generally don’t extend the same warmth and kindness towards ourselves. Self-compassion improves self-esteem, developing an understanding that our self-worth is not dependent on poor results. 
• No more excuses: Research suggests using “if-only” rather than making excuses helps one explore diverse perspectives and provides internal motivation to achieve goals. Further, perspective-taking helps us identify negative emotions, prevent impulsive decisions and develop a positive mindset. 

Psychotherapies like psychoanalytic, cognitive-behavioural, affect-focused and experiential are effective in helping individuals overcome self-sabotage. The psychology behind self-sabotage equips us to identify the diverse forms of it and try to end it. All are vulnerable to self-sabotage, choosing to act in self-defeating ways. However, the possibility of failure is accompanied by opportunities for learning and self-growth and grabbing these opportunities is likely to end our self-sabotaging tendencies.

FAQs 

1. What is self-sabotage? 

This is behaviours include creating obstacles to attain purposeful goals. The American Psychological Association defines them as repetitive attempts that prevent goal fulfilment by resulting in misfortune. 

2. What is the psychology of self-sabotage? 

According to the psychoanalytic perspective, it resembles unconscious defence mechanisms. Cognitive-behavioural theorists attribute it to irrational and distorted beliefs such as fear of failure, need for control and low self-esteem that produce maladaptive behaviours. Researchers have also associated two insecure attachment styles, avoidant and anxious, with this. At times, self-sabotaging behaviours are reinforced by environmental influences such as societal expectations and peer pressure 

3. How to stop the cycle of self-sabotage? 

One can employ several strategies to overcome it such as using three Hs (being humble, honest and humane), cultivating a mastery mindset, saying no excuses and practising self-compassion. 

4. How do you know if you’re self-sabotaging? 

Self-sabotaging behaviours don’t occur in isolation and reinforce each other, producing a self-sabotage cycle. Baumeister and Scher (1988) categorise self-defeating behaviours into three types: primary self-destruction, trade-offs and counterproductive strategies. 

5. Which therapies are effective for self-sabotage? 

Psychotherapies like psychoanalytic, cognitive-behavioural, affect-focused and experiential are effective in helping individuals overcome it