The Impact of Low Self-Esteem on Relationships: Insights from Psychologists

Self-esteem refers to the value you place on yourself and it is the qualities you believe you possess. Occasionally, it’s natural to have moments of self-criticism but when you consistently judge yourselves negatively, it can indicate low self-esteem. However, it’s important to note that this is not constant, it can fluctuate based on what’s happening in your life. Likewise, when the defeating thoughts, feelings of dissatisfaction and insecurities persist for a long time, it may signal a deeper issue with self-esteem.

People with high self-esteem believe that others like them as much as they like themselves. In contrast, those with low self-esteem often wrestle with self-doubt all their life. They feel as though they don’t fit in anywhere and others don’t like them. Consequently, it can lead to a persistent sense of not belonging.

For example, in a relationship issue, if you are a person with high self-esteem, you might conclude that you are devalued, attributing the fault to your partner rather than taking it on yourself. On the other hand, if you are a person with low self-esteem, you will feel hurt at once, become angry with yourself and withdraw from the situation.
Moreover, it is very difficult to improve one’s self-esteem.

According to many psychologists, repeating positive affirmations can backfire and may not be effective for everyone. For people with high self-esteem, these affirmations can enhance their confidence and boost their ego but it does the opposite for people with low self-esteem, it makes them feel worse over time rather than providing genuine support.

Read More: Why it’s Important to have High Self-Esteem, According to Psychology 

Self-esteem Issues and How it Affect Relationships

Recent research has found a strong correlation between self-esteem and the quality of relationships. Relationships include those with family, romantic partners, or peers as well. These issues can affect your social life and connection with your significant other as well. According to Gary Tucker, a licensed psychotherapist at D’Amore Mental Health, it might cause confusion, emotional distance, or even conflicts within relationships.

In romantic relationships, when one partner struggles with low self-esteem, feelings of insecurity and jealousy may arise when they are with their significant other. They might constantly question themselves too. Like, “Why can’t I be like them?”, “Why am I not able to communicate confidently like them?”, “Why can’t I take my own decision and hold onto it like them?”, “When it comes to self-control, they manage it so well but, why can’t I?”

There are some more add-ons like, “I only have this relationship due to mere luck, my partner doesn’t truly love me, they are just here by chance, they don’t want to be with me.” All these types of thoughts can create significant distress not only for the individual but also for their partner if worded out loud. They are always insecure, worrying they might upset their partner in any way, so they often suppress their feelings, keeping them bottled up instead of expressing themselves. If their partner is loving and understanding, they might listen and provide support but what happens if they’re not? It could lead to frustration or even aggression in some cases.

This mindset of low self-esteem can result in persistent worries and a constant fear that their partner might leave them any moment now. Despite the anxiety they possess, they often give more than they receive. They hesitate to discuss their feelings, fearing that it might create misunderstandings. They are ever willing to listen to their partner and provide comfort when needed, but when it comes to sharing their thoughts, they shy away concerned that it could lead to miscommunication.

Low self-esteem diminishes their self-confidence in turn making them cowardly to express what they feel, but what if their partner also wants to know about them in the same way they have opened up? This can lead to a series of issues in their relationship.

According to Educationalist and Psychologist Dr. Deepthi Balla, A dyadic relationship should always seek balance. It’s quite a feat to maintain it. Both parties involved expect empathy, trust from their partner. An individual with self-esteem knows oneself better. What he or she can do, forbear, how far he or she can compromise is well-known to the person with self-esteem. Self-esteem plays a vital role in initiating, continuing and terminating a relationship. Self-esteem research states that male show Self -esteem by adolescence which escalates by the time they reach middle age while females show less such tendency.

But in a relationship, females with self-esteem are more decisive than male. Recent trends show that unmarried males are facing the same predicament where educated, employed females do take decisions regarding which male partner is suitable for them. These women out rightly reject a male based on their own standards for male. Married women with self-esteem make precise decisions on whether to continue that relationship or not irrespective of financial independence. While a male employed single person with self-esteem bears with it, a married male with self-esteem maintains the relationship wisely.

Read More: Decoding Love-Related Confusion: Insecurity and Self-Esteem in Relationships

To Understand Better, Consider yourself as a person with low Self-Esteem

You constantly doubt yourself and remain silent leading to frustration in your partner. This can also manifest in the following ways;

• You take personal offence to constructive criticisms
• You might need constant validation from your partner
• You withhold affection to protect yourself from vulnerability
• You avoid open communication to prevent conflict or rejection.
• You question your partner’s faithfulness due to your insecurities however you don’t word it out, you just keep it within and torture yourselves

Overcoming feelings of distrust can become difficult if you have a low sense of self-worth. This can also hinder your ability to provide emotional support to your partner, as you may believe you’re incapable of doing so. Also, if any mistreatment occurs, you just accept it as something you deserve, making you vulnerable to gaslighting.
A healthy relationship can never be maintained with this victim mentality.

You should get past this mindset to foster positive connections with others. Embracing challenges can help you shift perspective. Maintaining a victim mindset can end up as a self-fulfilling prophecy, that is manifesting your negative thoughts into reality. So, the first step is to change your mentality and confront your fears. It’s never too late to try, give it a go.

According to Assistant Professor Dr. Tanu Kukreja, Partners significantly shape each other’s lives. Through their feedback and affirmations, they sculpt each other’s positive schema. Couple counselling can guide for building positive affirmations in any relationship. This will help in open communication, confidence in each other, and build trust. It can help the couple balance power dynamics and empathy in the relationship too. Any bond would demand time and attention from the people involved. The Counselor may also support building the required mindset for nurturing the bond by using virtuous and healthy coping strategies.

Read More: Importance of Emotional Vulnerability in Relationship

How to deal with low self-esteem?

• If you are dealing with low self-esteem, try to communicate openly with your partner. Expressing your thoughts can help them understand you better and offer support. But what if they don’t understand? Look for alternative ways to express yourself, don’t sabotage your own feelings; it’s important to talk things out.
• Prioritise self-care. Find ways that’ll help you feel good and do it regularly. Make time for yourself. It can significantly boost your self-esteem.
• If nothing works, consider talking to a professional who can guide you in the right direction.

These issues can significantly impact your relationships. It can manifest into jealousy, insecurity, constant need for validation, and trouble in communication. It’s important to address these challenges promptly. You can start by talking openly with your partner, as they may be able to help. If that doesn’t work, consider seeking support from a professional.

FAQs

1. What is Self-esteem?

It refers to the opinion you have of yourself. It is the value you place on yourself and the qualities you believe you possess.

2. How does low self-esteem affect relationships?

It can lead to feelings of jealousy, insecurity, a constant need for validation, and emotional distance making communication challenging

3. What are the signs of low self-esteem in a relationship?

Persistent thoughts of self-criticism, difficulty in expressing oneself, constant reassurance from your partner, and fear of abandonment are some signs of low self-esteem in a relationship.

4. How can I communicate my feelings to my partner effectively without miscommunication?

Try to use “I” statements to express how you feel. This will help you talk about yourself without placing blame on them and always choose a calm moment to discuss your thoughts.