The Healing Power of a Good Listener

One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.

Bryant H McGill

A counselor, listening intently is the first step towards understanding, assessing and guiding the client. They know that listening is not about understanding the words of the questions asked, but about understanding why they asked the question in the first place. It shows a genuine desire to be with someone, which in turn both heals and builds trust in your client. We are aware about the ‘healing’ ability of just talking to someone who listens without judgment. Even if they simply listen to you without providing a solution, you automatically feel better. This marks the character of a ‘good listener’ all the more important for a counsellor.

Good listening skills in counselling establish trust and help the client open up and disclose their thoughts. They encourage them to share their emotions, thereby facilitating the gathering of valuable information about the client that would, in turn, aid the counselling process.

During the initial stages of interaction with the client. The counsellor encourages them to talk freely, without any filters, a process referred to as “exhaling”. The process of exhaling can offer multiple benefits, both to the client & the counsellor;

1. It allows the client to vent out pent-up emotions to a person who is willingly listening to it. This in itself makes them feel a lot better.
2. It helps the client open up more easily & develop trust on the counsellor.
3. Most importantly, the client often finds solutions to his/her own concerns through free talking. It also allows the counsellor to get a deeper insight into the factors that might be leading to the problem

Besides exhaling, there are certain conditions that the counsellor follows. In order to be a good listener and make the client feel more comfortable to talk. These conditions that form the basis for good listening are Congruence, Empathy & Unconditional Positive Regard.

Congruence:

refers to the honest relationship between a counsellor’s inner feelings and their outer display. This involves being real, genuine and transparent and not playing a role.

The acronym REDOL is kept in mind, which helps the counsellor portray his/her inner attitudes and values of genuineness & respect towards a client.

• R: The counsellor is Relaxed, patient & natural with the client.

• E: Counsellor makes good Eye Contact with a client which conveys the message that he/she is interested in what the client has to say. It also helps send across his/her point more effectively and helps build trust with the client.

• D: The counsellor Duly faces the client by eliminating any obstacle like a desk, which creates a psychological barrier for the client.

• O: Open posture, the counsellor ensures that his/her posture communicates Openness and availability to the client. Crossed legs and crossed arms may be interpreted as devalued involvement with the client or even unavailability or remoteness.

• L: The counsellor Leans toward the client, in a slight manner, to show interest and involvement. Leaning back from the client may convey the opposite.

Empathy

The counsellor exercises Empathy, which refers to viewing the world through the perspective of the client and accepting that client’s perceptions and feelings as if they were your own without losing boundaries and a separate sense of self.

The counsellor carefully listens to the client, understanding what they mean, to the best extent and communicates this understanding to the client in such a way that they feel the counsellor understands them largely. This might help the clients understand themselves more fully and act on their understanding.

Empathy is all about understanding the world of the client by temporarily “stepping into their shoes”. It allows the counselor to recognize and acknowledge the feelings of another person. In the process of empathizing, the counsellor temporarily forgets about his or her own frame of reference. The counsellor then shares this understanding with the client in either a verbal or a non-verbal manner.

Unconditional Positive Regard

Involves a counsellor offering a client full and caring attention without judgment or evaluation. Unconditional Positive Regard refers to the ability of counsellors to notice verbal & non-verbal cues. We receive, comprehend, and analyse these communications after the client delivers them. Without passing judgement or evaluating them, we give each client our undivided attention.

Listening to and understanding the client’s verbal messages. When a client shares their thoughts, it usually comprises a mixture of experiences (what happened to them in the past), behaviours (what they did or failed to do) and affect (the emotions associated with the experiences). Counselor actively listens to the mix of experiences, behaviour and feelings, and meanwhile, also “hears” what the client is not saying.

Listening to and interpreting the client’s nonverbal messages. Counsellors pick up on nonverbal messages such as bodily behaviour (posture, body movement and gestures), facial expressions (smiles, frowns, raised eyebrows, twisted lips), voice related behaviour (tone, pitch, voice level, intensity, inflection, spacing of words, emphases, pauses, silences and fluency), observable physiological responses (quickened breathing, blushing, paleness, pupil dilation) and general appearance (grooming and dress). Counsellor “reads” these messages without distorting or over-interpreting them.

Listening is the most important skill required in the process of counselling. Once mastered, it creates a perception of honesty, integrity and reliability in the client-counsellor relationship, all of which contributes towards a strong working relationship.