What Happens When You Let a Third Party Control Your Conflicts

Imagine being part of a reality show in which the plot is a messy entanglement of misunderstandings, half-truths and drama-and here’s the twist: no one gets the final rose, the only certain thing is chaos. Welcome to the world of triangulation, where direct communication takes a back seat and manipulation steals the show. It’s like you’re caught in some labyrinth that never ends because it only leads to one place: dead ends. Or like the broken phones where everybody changes what you say so no one is trying to solve anything and, for dramatic effect, a third party is thrown in. 

Triangulation is when a third party is introduced to a charged conflict between two people. Frequently, this third party is used as a means of control, deflection, or manipulation of the situation. Triangulation may happen in any milieu ranging from family dynamics to romantic relations, or even workplace conflicts. The third party may be an actual person, or sometimes the situation, object, or event that creates a distraction and diverts attention from the crux of the matter.

While triangulation might look like a panacea for the conflicts it presents, it frequently works to complicate communication. At times, it fosters emotional tension and distrust. For that reason, mechanisms underlying triangulation ought to be understood so better relationships can come about with conflicts resolved directly and constructively.

While sometimes subtle, triangulation is often overt and used by individuals who are uncomfortable directly communicating or have a fear of vulnerability. It can take on many forms, such as when one partner constantly brings up his or her parents in between relationship issues or uses a child as a messenger for the other estranged parent.

While triangulation may give the initiator a temporary feeling of relief, it will inevitably harm the relationship in the long run. It may cause the erosion of trust, create misunderstanding and cause repetition of unhealthy habits of relating with one another. The openness to communicate directly and honestly to clarify a situation depends on removing third parties attempting to “fix” the situation.

Read More: Importance of Emotional Vulnerability in Relationship

Understanding the Contexts of Triangulation

• Family Dynamics (Parent-Child Triangulation): A child can be caught in the middle of a marital dispute by either parent speaking ill of the other to his or her face or demanding loyalty of the child. Common triangulation between dysfunctional families is when a child is used as a “go-between” or used to manipulate or avoid the problem between parents.
• Couples Therapy (Therapist as Mediator): Triangulation in couples therapy can be considered when the mediator first helps two partners express themselves in a better way wherein through the creation of a balanced space, one person may speak and the other may avoid being on his/her guard. In the “third point” of the triangle, the mediator moves the couple past misunderstandings and hurtful cycles.
• Workplace Conflict (Third Party Acting as Manager): In the context of the workplace, triangulation can occur when an employee goes to a manager to intervene in a conflict with someone else. Instead of taking action, the employee that seeks out the manager may be doing so to gain an advantage over the peer or not have to confront them directly, forming a “triangle” of influence and power.
• Friendship Dynamics (Jealousy and Rivalry): Triangulation occurs between friends too. For instance, a friend communicates adverse remarks regarding another friend just to create conflict or competition with the second friend. This situation may develop hurt or feelings of deception in relationships and affect collective cohesiveness.
• Narcissistic Relationships (Emotional Manipulation): Triangulation is the favourite manipulation tool in relationships with narcissistic people. The narcissist may include an ex-partner, another friend, or even a new romantic interest in the relationship to pester the anxiety and insecurity of the primary partner. In most cases, this situation leaves the primary partner confused, devalued, and emotionally unstable.

Types of Triangulation 

1. Emotional Triangulation

It refers to getting the third party involved in an emotional issue or conflict between two individuals. It involves seeking emotional validation, help or the opinion of the third party instead of directly dealing with the issue at hand. This makes it impossible for the matter to be resolved amicably by transferring the weighty emotional burden and focus on the third party.

2. Strategic Triangulation

Strategic triangulation is a calculated method, wherein one party attempts to attract the influence of a third party for manipulating the situation in their interest. This kind of triangulation is often used for strategic purposes, shifting blame, or provoking the other person into a desired response. The third party’s involvement is generally staged for personal or strategic benefit rather than to resolve the problem at hand.

3. Scapegoating Triangulation

Here, a person is blamed for the problems or conflicts within the relationship or group. The third party is utilized to transfer the blame to the scapegoat to deflect attention from the real source of the problem. Isolation and emotional burden are created due to this instead of going towards solving or addressing the problem.

4. Distraction Triangulation

Distraction triangulation is diverting attention from the real issue or conflict to some unrelated matter, object or circumstance. This tends to shift focus away from the core emotional or relationship problem and averts the troubled parties from facing painful or inconvenient issues. It can drag on a conflict and prevent direct communication or the solving of problems.

5. Alignment Triangulation

Triangulation is aligned with the fact that one person introduces another to garner his or her support or validation for his or her version of the conflict. This person who initiated the triangulation wants to have an alliance with the third person and strengthen his or her side against the other person involved in the conflict. This sort of triangulation makes divisions worse and averts open communication or resolution between the parties.

6. Positive Triangulation

Another form of triangulation is positive, where the third party helps in communication, understanding or conflict resolution. This usually occurs less frequently and is more constructive. This action of the third party can be identified as an external neutralization factor through which problems can be communicated between the involved primary parties healthily and productively, helping to solve conflicts and change the relational dynamics by giving answers and engendering open talk.

Read More: “This is your Fault!”, Understanding the Psychology of Blame Games

Effects of Triangulation 

1. Erosion of Trust

The introduction of a third party usually breaks the bond of trust between the parties. Third-party involvement is often perceived to be some kind of deception or betrayal. People involved in the conflict may find their trust level has been compromised as they feel that someone else, in this case, a third party, has used manipulation or sneaky tactics. This foundation makes it harder for healthy relationships and breaks the bond of trust.

2. Increased anxiety

However, it does increase anxiety for all parties. Uncertainty and emotional tension introduced with triangulation leave people confused or insecure at times. The third party being triangulated may feel anxious over the perception they are creating and the person bringing in that third party may feel guilty or uncomfortable for not facing the conflict. Anxiety does start to rise with time, especially if triangulation becomes a rather common mode of operation.

3. Unresolved Conflict

The most destructive consequence of triangulation is when it leaves the conflict unsolved. Instead of solving the problem between the two people, triangulation draws attention away from the real issue. While it may offer a momentary break or validation, the problem remains unresolved. The feelings of frustration thus mount.

4. Miscommunication and Confusion

Triangulation results in confusion and misconceptions. The third-party might misinterpret the conflict or present one-sided explanations, distorting the views of the parties involved. This thus leads to more misinterpretations and misunderstandings, and all the parties find it difficult to understand the real issue that needs to be addressed. Many original conflicts often get muddled up or exaggerated because of the input of the third party.

5. Emotional Manipulation

Sometimes, triangulation is little more than a manipulation tool. One party may use the third party to influence the emotional reactivity or behaviour of another party. For example, someone might use a friend or family member to change someone else’s emotions, jealousy, guilt resentment and so on. Such manipulations break trust, sow division and ultimately leave the person becoming a victim of such manipulation helpless or frustrated.

6. Alienation of the Scapegoat

Triangulation often leads to one member becoming the “scapegoat” in the conflict. Someone is blamed for the problems, perhaps if not entirely responsible. This may drive them into isolation and they might experience pain. The person being blamed may feel unfairly treated and guilty. They may feel rejected or confused. Over time this can lead to decreased self-esteem emotional withdrawal or other defensive behavior.

7. Indulgence in Shirked Responsibility

Triangulation fosters the shirking off of responsibility by the individuals for themselves and their emotions. Instead of having face-to-face conversations with each other, people may need to use a third person, thereby dodging their involvement in the conflict. This dodging from responsibilities does not allow personal development and accountability, which makes it quite difficult to solve the root problems and results in cyclical patterns of conflict.

8. Power Imbalance and Control

This sometimes sets up or even enhances power imbalances. One uses the situation as a tool to involve the third party to gain some power or control over the other person. The latter feels vulnerable, inferior or helpless about undermining. The party that is triangulated might feel that they are not capable of doing anything to settle the issue and this might cause lifelong emotional damage.

9. Damaging the Intimacy Level of Emotion

Triangulation damages the emotional intimacy between a couple because it does not solve emotional issues directly but instead creates distance and mistrust between them. The result is that it no longer feel safe in opening themselves completely before each other, thereby causing emotions of isolation and disconnection.

10. Consolidating Bad Habits

Triangulation typically works by reinforcing bad communication behaviours. People may become accustomed to third-party assistance or settling differences over the years. This pattern of avoidance, manipulation, and emotional disorder perpetuates itself as all actual conflict is never directly addressed and triangulating behaviours are constantly reinforced. Those who have learned to habitually behave badly in previous relationships will do so in subsequent relationships if they have not broken their bad habits by some means.

Read More: Finding Balance: Managing Responsibilities After Parentification

Ways to Deal with Triangulation 

1. Promotion of Direct Communication

The most effective way to tackle triangulation is by allowing the participant to communicate with the other participant face to face. Instead of getting the third party involved, call both parties and raise issues openly. This eliminates the presence of the third party and fosters transparency. Hence, less misunderstanding is likely to occur, and the issue is dealt with squarely in the face.

2. Clear Boundaries

Establish boundaries on third-party involvement in your personal or professional relationships. Let others know you’d rather work out the issue directly with the person involved rather than through an intermediary. Establishing such limits prevents triangulation from being something that occurs frequently.

3. Refuse Participation in Triangulation

If you are ever placed in a triangulation situation, be it with a family, a workplace or anything else, simply back off. For instance, if a third person tries to make you a participant in gossip or an emotionally charged issue concerning two other people, kindly redirect the conversation so that an expectation is set that the third party will approach the concerned other person directly. In this way, you ensure that complications do not continue.

4. Promote Solution-Focused Conflict Resolution

Follow a problem-focused and solution-focused approach to conflict resolution rather than a blame-based and emotion-focused approach. Set the discussion to be solution-focused, rather than re-focusing on whom to blame or how to feel. By focusing the discussion on constructive dialogue and resolution, you can help dissipate that tension that so often feeds the triangulation.

5. Be Mindful of Your Emotional Reaction

Triangulation can be quite emotional, especially when you get caught in the middle. Emotional awareness keeps your feet on the ground and avoids taking action based on a feeling. Step back for a second and take time to assess what is happening with the people involved so that you do not respond impulsively and add fuel to the fire.

6. Engage Mediation or Neutral Third Party

A neutral third party, like a counsellor, mediator, or therapist facilitate communication in healthy ways between the conflicting parties. This often proves effective when direct communication has broken down or when emotions run high. An experienced mediator may assist each party to address concerns and arrive at an amicable solution.

7. Remain Neutral and Do Not Take Any Side

In the case of triangulation, it is very much required to remain neutral and not take the side of any of the parties, especially when you happen to be a third person or bystander. This tends to push the situation further into deeper conflicts, generating a larger division among parties. Inculcate the sense of understanding and remind all the parties that this is an attempt to solve the problem, not to further the conflict.

8. Address the Underlying Issues

Triangulation usually represents a problem that lies deeply beneath the primary relationship. If possible, address the root problems of the conflict or tension instead of focusing solely on triangulated elements. A frank and open discussion regarding what led to the triangulation can be very helpful in solving the conflict.

9. Seek Professional Support or Therapy

If triangulation is a persistent issue, perhaps even more so in a family or romantic partnership, then searching for professional therapy or counselling might be beneficial. A therapist could help individuals recognize the ways that lead to triangulation and suggest some healthier communication styles. Therapy gives people an opportunity to educate themselves, settle conflicts and develop stronger and more effective relationships.

10. Foster Empathy and Listening

Active listening and empathizing amongst all stakeholders involved in the conflict is encouraged. It goes without saying that in situations where people feel heard and understood, they have a much greater likelihood of participating and looking at the conflict more collaboratively than through an adversarial approach. This often helps to overcome the tendency for a third party to get involved and resolution comes much more natively within the first relationship.

Conclusion

Triangulation seems to be an intelligent way of avoiding conflict by inventing an avoidance technique. However, as we can see, it creates walls instead of bridges. This pattern in the psyche creates and adds more confusion, and more profound misunderstandings and prevents us from settling issues that matter the most. This becomes like trying to put together a puzzle without enough pieces.

We can break this cycle and truly come out of the unproductive habits it sets because we recognize the signs of triangulation and take proactive steps by promoting direct communication, appropriate boundaries and a resolution. The secret to trust, emotional clarity and growth lies in handling conflicts head-on rather than sending the problem to a third party-whatever that is in our family dynamics, friendships, or workplaces. The next time you’re in a “triangle,” remember: it is always better to face the conflict and keep lines open. After all, the best relationships grow when we celebrate transparency, build trust, and work through the bumps together.

FAQs 

1. How can triangulation be resolved in therapy?

 In therapy, triangulation can be addressed by establishing communication that goes straight to the parties actually in conflict and then creates an open and safe environment for honest conversation.

2. Can triangulation be unconscious?

At times, this process is unconscious. People do not even realize that they are pulling a third party into the conflict or making their conflict worse with their behaviour. It develops over time as dysfunctional families or relationships occur.

3. What is the role of a mediator in triangulation? 

A mediator helps establish effective communication between the parties with conflicts and it could possibly break and not continue that cycle.

4. How does triangulation affect emotional intimacy? 

Triangulation destroys emotional intimacy because there is a lack of closeness, trust, and an inability to relate directly with one another on an emotional level.

5. Is triangulation a defence mechanism? 

Yes, for some it’s a defence mechanism, whereby they avoid vulnerability, confrontation or emotional exposure.

6. What do you do when you see triangulation in your relationship?

 Whenever you notice triangulation, it is necessary to set boundaries encourage direct communication and solve the real source of conflict rather than bringing third parties into the scene.