Passive-Aggressive Behaviour: Identifying, Causes, and How to Deal with it

Passive-aggressive behaviour is the way out or we can say a coping mechanism for our actions. When you feel angry, irritated, or have other emotions over something but do not express it directly or have a direct conversation rather than you express your feelings in indirect behaviour and avoid having a direct discussion with people and want to ignore it. People with passive-aggressive behaviour may appear cooperative or agreeable on the surface, but their actions often reveal hidden resentment or resistance. People expressing passive-aggressive behaviour tend to deny the fact or not accept easily that they intend to do this and because of that this behaviour is difficult to control.  

What is Passive-Aggressive Behaviour? 

Passive-aggressive behaviour manifests in various ways but can typically be characterised as a type of non-verbal aggression reflected in negative actions. It occurs when you feel angry with someone but are unable or unwilling to communicate those feelings directly. Instead of expressing your feelings of upset, annoyance, irritation, or disappointment, you might suppress those emotions, become verbally unresponsive, offer angry glances, make apparent changes in your behaviour, act obstructively, sulk, or create emotional barriers. It can also involve indirectly resisting the requests of others by avoiding the issue or complicating it. This might include a lack of cooperation in certain situations. Passive aggression can be either covert (hidden and subtle) or overt (blatant and recognizable).  

Read More: Passive Aggressive Behaviour in the Workplace

Someone exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviour may not always display their anger or resentment openly. They might seem agreeable, courteous, friendly, grounded, kind, and well-intentioned. However, beneath this facade, there may be some level of manipulation occurring—hence the label “passive-aggressive.” This type of behaviour is a harmful pattern that can constitute emotional abuse in interpersonal relationships, gradually eroding trust between individuals. It usually arises when feelings of negativity accumulate and are suppressed due to an internalized need for acceptance by others, dependency, or a desire to sidestep further arguments or conflict. 

How do People act with Passive-Aggressive behaviour 

Gives backhand compliments 

Using remarks that appear to be compliments but carry an underlying negative implication. For  instance, “You really have the guts to sport an outfit like that.” Another example could be, “It’s  quite commendable how you cope with such limited experience.” So that’s the kind of attitude they have during the conversation. Use sarcasm and later say sorry as if it was a joke.

Uses silent treatment  

A person exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviour might choose to retaliate by cutting off all communication rather than confronting the issue head-on. Ignoring or failing to acknowledge someone to express dissatisfaction is one way to do this. For instance, if a person is unhappy with a friend, they might stop responding to calls or texts without explaining. This behaviour can leave the other person feeling confused and hurt, as they are not given the chance to address the problem. 

Read More: Passive Aggression Behavior – A Obstruction in Relationships Growth

Leave things Undone or employ deliberate inefficiency, 

A passive-aggressive person might convey their displeasure by delaying tasks and neglecting to complete requested duties as a form of quiet resistance against something that bothers them.  Additionally, this behaviour is frequently accompanied by a refusal to acknowledge that it is occurring. Postponing tasks or deliberately working at a slow pace can serve as a way to show frustration or evade responsibilities. For instance, if a student feels annoyed about an assignment, they may choose to put off starting it until the deadline approaches too closely for them to finish it properly. In this manner, they sidestep confrontation with the teacher while still communicating their unhappiness. 

Sabotaging behaviour  

Disrupting someone’s efforts by failing to keep promises or purposefully performing tasks incorrectly. For instance, an employee who is dissatisfied with their supervisor might intentionally submit a report filled with mistakes, knowing it will lead to delays. When employees do not align with the organization’s mission or initiatives, they may go beyond mere procrastination and actively create barriers to sabotage projects and assignments. A relatively minor example could involve deliberately undermining a small new task to prevent being assigned similar responsibilities in the future, but this type of behaviour can also include much more serious offences. 

Wistful comments/Giving hints instead of stating them straight 

A passive-aggressive individual excels at hinting at their emotions instead of communicating them outright. They might allude to a past event without conveying their feelings about it or discuss a comparable scenario and their thoughts regarding that situation instead. Nostalgic remarks indirectly convey wishes or critiques without owning up to them. This passive-aggressive strategy enables the speaker to express dissatisfaction while avoiding direct demands or confrontations, frequently causing guilt or unease in others. 

Read More: How language can be used to dominate others and how to protect yourself from it 

Feigning Ignorance  

Acting as if they don’t understand instructions or expectations to evade responsibility. In this case, the passive-aggressive individual feigns ignorance of a task assigned to them, allowing them to overlook it. For example, someone might respond, “I didn’t know you wanted it completed today,” despite having been notified of the due date. Or they are like Oh, you meant for me to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher? I wasn’t aware of that. 

They keep Score 

A passive-aggressive individual might never confront their issues directly, yet they will probably keep track of instances where they felt wronged by others. This quiet scorekeeping rationalizes the subtle, passive actions they take. For example, excluding someone from your gathering because they made a joke about you some time ago. They may harbour brooding or simmering resentment towards someone, pretending to be okay (though it’s evident they’re not), while subtly acting dissatisfied enough to draw concern from their target. When asked about their well-being, they often respond sharply with “Everything is fine!” or other remarks that indicate they are not fine. 

What Causes Passive-Aggressive Behaviour? 

Fear of rejection: Many people are concerned that freely expressing their feelings or demands may result in rejection, criticism, or alienation. Instead of exposing themselves, they subtly show their unhappiness. For example, they may agree to a proposal that they dislike and then find ways to sabotage it later on. 

Upbringing/ parenting style: It can be a learnt behaviour. If you were raised in a household where passive-aggression and sarcasm were common, then it can become a part of how you communicate. A person’s early life experiences play a crucial role in moulding their behavior.  Growing up in an atmosphere where open communication was discouraged or punished may result in passive-aggressive behaviours. For example, if a child is often reprimanded for showing anger, they might learn to conceal their frustration in more subtle ways.” 

Fear of conflicts: people may fear that sharing their genuine emotions could harm friendships and relationships or change the way a co-worker or supervisor perceives them. To prevent criticism and disputes, they often choose to keep their thoughts private. Some people find confrontation uncomfortable. Rather than tackling issues head-on, they engage in indirect behaviours to convey their feelings. For example, someone who dreads an argument might sidestep discussing their frustration and instead resort to sulking or procrastination. This tendency to avoid confrontation can lead to a cycle where issues remain unsolved. 

Emotional insecurity/ low self-esteem – individuals with low self-esteem frequently find it challenging to communicate their needs and desires, leading them to use passive aggression to achieve their goals. Feelings of insecurity and diminished self-worth can influence passive aggressive behavior. Someone who questions their value might feel more comfortable expressing their frustration indirectly, as they worry that being straightforward could expose their weaknesses or result in rejection. 

Stressful circumstances: When a person experience high levels of stress or feels overwhelmed, they might struggle to confront issues head-on. This can result in passive aggressive behaviours as a way of managing their feelings. Tough circumstances, like a tough work environment or a troubled relationship, can trigger passive-aggressive actions from someone who is already predisposed to such behavior.

Unresolved Anger or Resentment: Clinging to built-up anger or grudges can result in passive aggressive behavior. Rather than addressing the cause of their discontent directly, an individual may convey their emotions through indirect methods, like making sarcastic remarks or shirking  responsibilities. 

The Impact of Passive-Aggressive Behaviour 

• Suspicion/erosion of trust – Over time, passive-aggressive behaviour can erode trust among  people. If an individual frequently expresses their frustration in indirect ways, others may start  to doubt their motives. 
• Emotional Stress: The nuanced nature of passive-aggressiveness can lead to emotional stress  for both the individual displaying the behavior and those affected by it. 
• Relationship issues– Passive aggression hides an individual’s aggressive intentions, making it  harder for their loved ones to identify and react to their feelings. Furthermore, the inclination  to express aggression without open dialogue or responsibility can gradually undermine  relationships. 
• Poor communication/ miscommunication: The subtle approach of passive-aggressiveness  frequently confuses because the underlying problems are not directly confronted. This can  harm communication in relationships, particularly when someone refuses to acknowledge their  hostile intentions. 

How to deal with passive-aggressive behavior? 

Recognize the Behavior: The initial step is recognizing the actions that demonstrate passive aggressiveness. Comprehending the behavior allows you to tackle it effectively without Overreacting. Passive-aggressive behavior varies from individual to individual, so start by observing the unique traits the person often exhibits. For instance, one person might  consistently undermine their ideas after sharing them, while another may agree to things but  then remain silently resentful for extended periods. After you notice what passive aggressiveness looks like in a specific individual, you can start to manage it. 

Stay calm/ respond to emotion, Reacting with anger or irritation can worsen the situation. Instead, maintain your composure and tackle the problem with a clear mind. Instead of addressing hostility directly, it might be beneficial to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, as passive aggression is a way of expressing them. “I understand that you’re disappointed I overlooked your problem, and I will listen to you. Can we work on a solution?” 

Tackle the Issue Head-On: The essence of passive-aggressive behavior is to evade straightforward communication, making it easy to ignore the situation. Resist the temptation to stay silent, as this can influence the future of the relationship. Promote transparent and sincere conversations. For instance, if someone is using sarcasm, you might say, “I observed your remark from earlier. Could we discuss what’s truly bothering you?” 

Set boundaries: Specify what behaviors are acceptable and apply consequences if those limits are violated. This is particularly crucial in workplace environments. When someone denies  their aggressive behavior, it can be beneficial to set boundaries regarding what actions one will  accept. For instance, an individual might state they will not wait over 10 minutes if a loved one  is tardy or persist in calling when someone is giving them the cold shoulder. 

Read More: Spotting Manipulation: How to Protect Yourself and Set Boundaries

Promote Assertiveness: Showcase and educate assertive communication skills. Assist the  individual in realizing that communicating their wants and emotions is more beneficial and  effective. A good rule of thumb is to be as direct and factual as possible throughout these  interactions. 

Solve issues together: You inspire change in the relationship by demonstrating straight forward communication and allowing the passive-aggressive individual to participate in problem solving. These interactions have the potential to significantly improve the relationship, especially if the passive-aggressive person believes they lack a voice or are not being heard. 

How to prevent it  

Preventing passive-aggressive behavior involves establishing an atmosphere that encourages and supports open dialogue. Here are some suggestions: 

• Cultivate Open Dialogue: Establish a secure environment where individuals feel at ease sharing their opinions and emotions without fear of judgment or backlash. 
• Enhance Emotional Intelligence: Promote awareness and management of emotions to help people identify and articulate their feelings in a constructive manner. 
• Exemplify Healthy Behavior: Set the standard by exhibiting assertiveness, empathy, and effective communication in your interactions. 
• Invite Feedback: Consistently request feedback and address issues before they develop into passive-aggressive behaviours. 
• Engage in Active Listening: show sincere interest in what others are expressing. This can help diminish feelings of frustration or resentment that can trigger passive-aggressiveness.