How do I set Boundaries with My Adult Child?

India has a very different culture and traditions when compared to the Western world. When young adults in the USA start planning to move out at the age of 18, young adults here take upon the responsibility of their family. There is nothing wrong with this, but at times it could be that parents forget to establish boundaries with their adult child, leading to further problems and conflicts. Hence, this article is going to give you insights regarding this widely unspoken issue.

How is it Prevalent?

A 2016-2018 survey reported that 82% of Indians between the age group of 22-30 prefer living with their parents, and more of them want their parents to move in with them when they start planning children. By comparison, 60% in China, 48% in the USA, and 35% in Australia report the same.

Why is that so?

Some researchers blame the economic condition of the country, where unemployment and underemployment don’t let them leave their nest in the first place. Other studies have also blamed COVID-19 since the need to be closer to your family and the fear of losing them increased. Most importantly, the culture in India is very collectivistic; living together in a society is much appreciated and followed. The concept of joint families, sleeping with your child since birth, and having traditions that constantly require the family to be together is a big part of our heritage. Hence, the respect as well as control that parents have is very significant, and no decision is made independently.

But How is that Problematic?

Another research study stated that 55% of Indian parents financially support their adult children. Multiple studies have also shown how Indian parents raise their kids to be very dependent on them, leading them to not be financially or socially smart. In some cases, shame, guilt, manipulation, and other behaviours can play a role. Not all families are similar, but an unhealthy attachment and behaviour with an adult could raise concerns and not equip them with the right mindset to deal with circumstances in life, hindering their independence and freedom.

Read More: Empower Yourself: The Art of Setting Boundaries in Everyday Life

So How Can It Be Fixed?

Firstly, abandoning your adult child or suddenly changing your behaviour towards them is not what we are saying. Rather, establishing healthy boundaries should be the ultimate goal. One needs to let their child learn and flourish, rather than come to their parent for any minor inconvenience and have their parents dictate the majority of their personal life as well. Here are a few tips with examples to help you set healthy boundaries with your adult child:

Don’t be like Yashvardhan Raichand from “Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham”

Let your child make decisions independently. Talk to them if you feel like there is any issue, but let them make independent decisions. Let them make mistakes and learn from them, rather than dictating their lives.

Setting the right boundaries by communicating openly, and being clear

Remember Sid from “Wake Up Sid” or Akash from “Dil Chahta Hai”? His father used to give him endless money, but eventually gave him ultimatums to be able to deserve the money and put in the right efforts. It is never too late to let your child explore; hence don’t give them everything on a gold platter. Rather, let them try to find their path and give living independently a shot. 

Read More: 9 Poor Habits that Children Inherit from Their Parents

Self-Care for Parents

A lot of Indian parents are afraid to let go of their kids and let them be independent because they see their kids as an investment and believe their kids must take care of them. It is important to think of it as an obligation, but rather start taking care of yourself. Start taking care of yourself, go to therapy if there are issues that bother you, rather than projecting on your child. Start investing and saving money for your future rather than depending on your child and contributing to that dependency cycle. 

Support, not dictate

A mistake that parents often make is to belittle, manipulate, or even dictate their child’s life by controlling their every action. This breaks their self-esteem, making them seek validation and approval constantly and making them feel incomplete and incompetent with their parents. It is important to support your child in every endeavour and look at them as a holistic human being, not fix them in a box as per the parents’ convenience.

Read More: Family Manipulation Tactics and How to Deal with Them

Teach them the basics of time

Let your adult child know you won’t always be available for them, respect their privacy and teach them to respect yours, make sure you don’t violate their personal space by constantly hovering around them, teach them how to handle their finances and show them how it is done. Your child needs your help in learning how to live life to the fullest, not making every decision with approval and validation.

Read More: How to Improve Self-Esteem: 8 Tips to Give You a Boost

Setting limits might be difficult but necessary in the Indian setting because adult children and their parents frequently have close emotional and cultural ties. Bollywood films provide striking examples of this dynamic, emphasizing the value of open communication, respect for one another, and individuality.

Movies such as “Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham”, “Dil Dhadakne Do”, “Dear Zindagi”, and “Queen” emphasize how important it is for grown children to say no to their parents and how important it is for parents to respect their privacy and decisions. These stories emphasize the need to set boundaries to promote healthy relationships, which enable each person to pursue their own goals while preserving close links to the family. 

Establishing limits is about assuring mutual respect, understanding, and personal development, not about establishing distance. Setting clear boundaries aids in managing expectations and minimizing problems in daily interactions as well as career and personal decision-making. Families can learn how to better navigate their relationships by using these cinematic examples to help them strike a balance between traditional values and the need for individual independence. In the end, families with defined boundaries have happier, healthier, and more supportive relationships.