“Yes, I am sincere and honest.”; responded Richa and her father shook his head and said, “No, you are not.” Richa is 38 years old and works as a senior nurse in a private hospital. She stays with her husband Saket, a charted accountant who runs his farm. They are blessed with a 10-year-old daughter Kavya. Richa and Saket were in the same school for twelve years.
While choosing a career both had different temperaments and they got into different colleges in the same city. That is when they discovered that their liking for each other had taken the shape of love and they would spend the rest of their life together. As of date Richa and Saket have been married for the last thirteen years and they find their love for each other fading. The intense love they used to share is somehow absent and forgotten. Even if both are dutiful and respectful towards each other, they no longer talk to each other at length. Their conversations have become bland, mostly functional conversations revolving around daily chores.
Since nothing was substantially wrong in their relationship Richa didn’t consider it suitable to discuss with Saket. Like every year, this summer Richa and her daughter Kavya came to her maternal home for two weeks. Her parents have become old yet very loving and affectionate. One evening Richa was sitting alone in the living room with lights off. Kavya was playing with her grandmother in the adjacent room. Her father had gone out to bring some vegetables.
While entering the home, her father looked at Richa and guessed something was brewing inside her mind. He didn’t switch on the light, he brought two cups of warm coffee and sat with Richa. for the next fifteen minutes, he didn’t utter a word. Richa found that silence to be comforting and non-judgmental. For the first time, Richa poured her heart out and shared about her mental state of fading love.
Her father listened to Richa patiently and asked, “Tell me one thing, are you sincere and honest in your relationship with Saket?” Richa was not expecting this question and it felt like a shock. She straightened her back and replied, “Yes, I am sincere and honest.” Her father shook his head and said, “No, you are not.” Richa annoyingly looked at her father and asked, “Why do you say so?” Her father came closer, held her hand affectionately and said “Had you been sincere and honest with Saket, you would not have suppressed your concern for so long. But I understand why you did that, let me make you understand.” The discussion continued till dinner and after so many years Richa felt relieved and rejuvenated for the first time as if that conversation was an eye-opener.
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Richa realised that as a child she had always been a peacekeeper and people-pleaser. She would try hard not to hurt anyone, she would rarely stand up for herself, and she would keep silent when she was supposed to resolve conflicts. In childhood, everyone appreciated this nature of her and described her as a smiling, shy and good girl. Richa continued that behaviour and never felt anything wrong with being a peacekeeper and people-pleaser. In marriage when she started missing a heartful conversation with Saket, she kept it to herself instead of talking to Saket about it. As a result, the distance between the two grew, conversations dropped, and it became a vicious cycle.
When Richa further reflected, she found that being a peacekeeper was not her nature, rather she adopted this nature to protect herself. In childhood her mother made her feel inadequate and worthless because she was average in her studies. As a defence mechanism, Richa decided to avoid conflict of any kind, because it warranted rejection, and it would make her feel worthless again. Finally, Richa realised that her feeling of being worthless was not the problem, rather protecting it by being a peacekeeper was the problem. In the next three months, Richa worked meticulously and set herself free.
Seven ways to stop being a people-pleaser.
- Realise that you can’t make everyone happy. Everyone can create a base level of happiness in life. Everyone is responsible for their actions & inaction, it’s their responsibility. However, you can help them deal with their life’s ups and downs, that too only when they are ready.
- You are more than how others judge you; their parameters are not absolute. Because opinions are like wristwatches, and everyone thinks their watch shows the right time. They are right in their way, and you are right in your way.
- Conflicts are healthy and make relationships deeper. No conflict never means peace; rather it indicates some kind of suppression in the relationship. Remember that the word relationship has ‘ship’ in it. Like any ship, all our relationships go through storms and have the possibility of both sinking or sailing successfully.
- Standing up for yourself is not like being a rebel. Rather it is your highest form of self-love. No one in this world can do it for you. You got to be your best buddy. Standing up for yourself is about being assertive, not rebel.
- Raise your self-esteem & love yourself first. Do everything possible to feel good about yourself. Learn something new, get out of your comfort zone, try a pair of new shoes, go for a different colour or pattern of dress and you will thank yourself later.
- Accept yourself with grace and dignity because you deserve this. No one is perfect; everyone is a work in progress.
- Start living for yourself also, start a hobby. Do something that makes you happy without being dependent on others.
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