Why We Love Toxic People: The Psychology of Unhealthy Attachment

Have you ever been obsessed with someone who makes you feel just like a choice? Or maybe you keep going back to a relationship that drains the life out of you more than your 9-to-5? We’ve all been there—stuck in a cycle where we know something (or someone) is not good for us, but we just can’t leave them. So why do we become so addicted to toxic people? Why do we ignore red flags like they’re for carnival decoration? So, sit down and buckle up because we are diving into the psychology of unhealthy attachment issues —and trust me, this is going to be more informative than your morning caffeine fix.

Read More: Self-regulation Tips for People with Anxious Attachment

1. The Dopamine Rollercoaster: Why Drama Is So Addictive

Think about this: You’re texting someone and holding your breath for them to text you back. Hours have passed. “ Just when you’re ready to give up, ding!!-they finally text back!” Suddenly there’s excitement, your heart is pounding, and all of the anger disappears. The thing you just experienced is dopamine in action—the brain’s pleasure drug. Variable rewards-like unpredictable affection-trigger dopamine surges, the same mechanism behind gambling addiction! So whenever the toxic individual is hot and cold about you, your brain becomes addicted to the unpredictability.

It’s the timeless push-and-pull:

• They ignore you → You miss their validation.
• They show you a little affection → Your brain rewards you with dopamine.
• They retreat again → You pursue harder.

Before you know it, you’re hooked on someone who likes to play games of hide-and-seek with affection.

2. Childhood Wounds: Are We Just Repeating Old Patterns?

Psychologists discovered that how we relate as adults is usually a repetition of what we learned in childhood. And then came attachment theory, which explains why some of us get stuck in toxic relationships.

• If your caregivers were inconsistent, unreliable, or effectively unavailable in your childhood, your brain will equate that love = unreliability.
• As a result, as an adult, you might tolerate mixed signals-even when they’re toxic.

This is an anxious attachment, where you simply go on seeking validation from others who cannot reciprocate your love fully. We’re not telling you that we like the toxicity; what we’re saying is that our unconscious mind confuses the two. If you’ve ever wondered, Why do I keep falling for emotionally unavailable people?—this could be your answer.

Read More: Is Your Partner Emotionally Unavailable? 7 Signs to Consider

3. The Ego Trap: When We Think We Can “Fix” Them

The classic “I can fix them” mentality.If you’ve ever believed love could cure someone’s inherent toxicity, welcome to the ego trap club.

Here’s the thing:

• Our brains crave a challenge: When the person is toxic or emotionally unavailable, we perceive “winning them over” as a victory.
• This gives them this illusion of self-worth: that if they can finally love us, then that means we must be something special.

Reality check: People only change when they really want to. None of that love, patience, or late-night philosophical debates will magically transform a toxic human into the loving person you deserve.

4. The Fear of Solitude: Are We Compromising?

Let’s be real here —sometimes we remain in horrible relationships because the other option (being single) is not an option. Society’s taught us that being single equals failure, so we settle for toxic relationships just to avoid judgment from society.

Here’s the thing:

• Being single won’t be the end of the world. 
• Staying in a toxic relationship can erode your peace of mind, happiness, and self-esteem.

This is what psychologists refer to as the “scarcity mindset”—when we assume we won’t get something better, so we accept something less. When we shift into an abundance mindset (knowing that there are many healthy relationship options available), however, toxic relationships are unable to hold onto us.

Read More: How Toxic Relationships Affect Our Mental Health

5. Love Bombing & Gaslighting: The Mind Games That Keep Us Stuck

Toxic master manipulators exist. They do not walk into your life and shout, “Hey, I’m gonna drain the life out of you emotionally!” Instead, they love-bomb you with intense attention, grand gestures, and over-the-top affection to make you fall for them. Then, once they’ve got you invested, they gradually withdraw that attention, causing you to wonder what you did wrong. Then, naturally, gaslighting comes into play—where they spin things so far that you begin doubting your own emotions.

• “You’re overreacting.”
• “That never happened.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”

 That’s emotional manipulation, and it’s meant to have you trapped in the loop. 

How to Escape The Toxic Cycle: Rewiring Your Brain

Okay, now that we know why we like the wrong people, how do we end this cycle?

• Become Aware of the Pattern: Healing starts with awareness. When you find you are attracted to the same destructive relationship patterns, ask yourself: Am I seeking love or craving validation?
• Rewire Your Brain: Healthy love feels secure, steady, and free of drama. But if you’re used to toxic relationships, healthy love might feel boring at first. That’s just your brain unlearning the addiction to chaos—give it time.
• Heal Your Inner Child: If your toxic relationship patterns stem from childhood wounds, therapy can help rewire that attachment pattern. Realizing love doesn’t need to be a rollercoaster can transform your life.
• Raise Your Standards: The moment you realize your worth, you don’t settle for anything less than you really deserve. A healthy relationship does not make you question yourself—it reminds you of it.

Read More: 5 Tips for Dealing with Toxic People According to Psychology

Conclusion: Relationship Shouldn’t Feel Like a Battlefield

Ultimately, a relationship is not meant to be a daily struggle. It shouldn’t make you tired, wonder if you’re good enough, or feel like you have to earn the respect of the person who says they love you. So, don’t beat yourself up when you fall for toxic people brain might’ve been wired to see chaos as normal. And the great thing is that you get to rewrite your story. Healthy relationships exist.  So, stop chasing red flags and start seeking green ones. Now, take a deep breath and remember: You deserve to be loved and always remember your worth. 

FAQs

1. Why do we fall for toxic people even when we know they’re bad for us?

Our brains get hooked on the dopamine rollercoaster—the highs and lows of toxic relationships create an addictive cycle, making it hard to walk away. Plus, childhood attachment patterns and fear of loneliness play a huge role in why we tolerate toxic behaviour.

2. What is “attachment theory,” and how does it affect our relationships?

Attachment theory explains how our early childhood experiences shape our adult relationships. If you had inconsistent or unavailable caregivers, you might develop anxious attachment, making you more likely to seek out emotionally unavailable partners.

3. How can I break free from toxic relationship patterns?

• Recognize the pattern – Notice if you’re repeating unhealthy cycles.
• Heal your attachment wounds – Therapy or self-reflection can help rewire unhealthy relationship patterns.
• Raise your standards – Healthy love doesn’t make you feel anxious or insecure.
• Choose consistency over chaos – Love should feel secure, not like a game of emotional tag.

4. What’s the biggest sign of a toxic relationship?

If a relationship makes you question your worth, feel emotionally drained, or constantly doubt yourself, it’s toxic. Love should make you feel valued, not exhausted.

5. Why does healthy love feel boring after toxic relationships?

If you’re used to drama, chaos, and emotional rollercoasters, stable love might seem dull at first. But that’s just your brain unlearning its addiction to toxicity. Healthy love is safe, consistent, and drama-free. Give yourself time to adjust!