Why the Grass always seems Greener on the other side

Have you ever, quite frequently, found yourself wishing that you had someone else’s life, thinking that they are having it all, and you’re missing out? This is the ubiquitous but lying sentiment of a time-worn idiom: “The grass is greener on the other side.” This idiom says so much about our tendency to think things are better elsewhere. But why do we think this? And most importantly, how do we learn to embrace our travels without comparing it all
to the journey of another?

The Root of Comparison

Human beings are intrinsically social. By nature, we copy the behaviour of others and seek cues from them as to how to behave, think, and feel. Comparing oneself with others is not necessarily an unhealthy activity. It helps us evolve by offering benchmarks against which we can judge ourselves. However, when comparisons foster dissatisfaction and envy within our psyches, they can be unhealthy and debilitating to our well-being. This tendency to compare ourselves with others is both biologically and psychologically governed.

Read More: “If Only I was like her!!”: How to Stop the Comparison Cycle

Origins of Envy from an Evolutionary Perspective

From an evolutionary perspective, comparison against others may have been necessary to stay alive. Human beings were group-living primates that lived in very competitive groups, often fighting for every available niche. Only the fittest who had more resources or higher social status- would be successful and able to reproduce. Envy can be seen, therefore, as providing the drive to acquire more resources, move up in social standing, or
otherwise better oneself.

In modern society, however, this instinct has taken the form of different competition fighting for survival to success, wealth, happiness, or beauty. What does social media do? It amplifies this effect because it shows you continuously the good times of other people, making you feel that people are happier and more successful than you. However, many psychologists reveal that the reality we see is very limited as compared to the panoramic view of the challenges of others, failing to encompass them.

The Grass Appears Greener on the Other Side

We see only the grass looking greener based on its location; we don’t see the weeds or dead patches of others. This selective vision feeds into our tendency to romanticise what we do not have, taking the assumption that other people’s lives are free from problems, whereas ours appear to be weighed down with difficulties. According to psychologist Leon Festinger’s social comparison theory in 1954, we evaluate ourselves based on comparisons with other people, mostly those we perceive to be in a better position than ourselves. Most of the time this leads to negative self-evaluations and feelings of inadequacy.

Read More: The Role of Social Identity in Group Dynamics

Social Media and the “Highlight Reel” Effect

Today, mostly everything that we feel for others is due to what they share online. There are pictures of exotic vacations, promotion at work, joyful relationships, and perfect physiques flooding the pages of Instagram and Facebook. All of these pictures given proper editing create a highlight reel, leaving out mundane or tough parts of life. So, it’s not surprising that while we scroll through these pages, we forget that what we’re looking at isn’t an accurate portrayal of reality.

Research shows that the high utilisation of social media activities has increased the extent of envy, loneliness, and depression. In fact, according to the University of Pennsylvania, 2018 study, it found that the more people limited their social media activities the less probably their depression and feelings of envy were. In the end, this will lead to a distorted view of reality. Comparing real lives with idealised online personas will make us feel inadequate and dissatisfied with our situations.

Cognitive Biases: Why We Focus on the Negative

It is a cognitive bias interlinked with others that distort our thinking: the “focusing illusion,” which is the overemphasis of some aspect of the person’s life and generally trying to make it the rule in their whole life. For instance, you see a specific person having a great job and may automatically assume that everything is perfect in his or her life because they are paid highly, forgetting that there might be stress or sacrifice elsewhere.

Another such bias is “loss aversion,” which states that we tend to feel the pain of losses more than enjoy the pleasures of gains. This helps notice what is lacking in one’s life rather than appreciating what one has. Together, these biases lead to the idea that the grass is indeed greener elsewhere since we accentuate our own shortcomings and speak of the complexities in others’ lives while downplaying theirs.

Breaking the Comparison Cycle

Knowing why the grass always appears greener on the other side is only the first step. To truly appreciate our own lives, we have to actively change the way we think and accept more positive attitudes.

• Practice Gratitude: Gratitude is a strong antidote to envy. Scientists note that regular practice of gratitude increases mental health, raises levels of happiness, and reduces the way people feel envy. Focusing on what we have rather than on what we lack also produces contentment and teaches us to be grateful for our own “grass.” Begin with maintaining a daily gratitude journal. List three things you are grateful for each day. This will eventually begin to change the configuration of your brain to focus on the good in your life instead of the bad.
• Limit Your Time Spent on Social Media: Now, social media can be a ball of fun, but it does give everyone the platform to compare to others. If seeing what everyone’s been up to via scrolling down makes you feel unhappy with your life, it is probably time to quit. You can also set some limits: restrict the amount of screen time you spend on social media or even unfollow those accounts that trigger you to feel envious. Spend time doing things you enjoy and are passionate about or with loved ones keep improving yourself for personal development.
• Change Your Perspective: Whenever you catch yourself feeling envious, try to reframe your thoughts. You might ask yourself, “What do I have going on in my life that I’m thankful for?” or “What can I learn from this person’s success?” Instead of letting envy fuel negative self-evaluations, let it motivate you to improve your situation without demoting your self-worth.
• Nobody has everything: One should remember that nobody is perfect in life. Everyone, despite how successful or cheerful they appear, struggles and faces problems. As motivational speaker Steve Furtick said, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

Read More: “THE PERFECTIONISM”-Is it really a boon or a bane?

Conclusion

Grass looks greener on the other side because we are not keeping an eye on our patch. Comparing oneself to others is natural, yet perhaps this is only a basis to build for daily self-destruction. Often, comparisons can be misleading and harm our self-esteem. By focusing on gratitude, by working to limit the impact of social media, and by reframing our mindsets, we begin to appreciate the beauty and uniqueness of our journey. And, after all, as they say, “the grass is greener wherever you water it.”.