Why do some Women fall for toxic men?

For years debate has raged on the attraction of women to “bad boys”. A lot of questions have been raised, why some women are attracted and drawn to the bad boys, who seem rebellious, willful, or even toxic? Although everyone is unique, there are psychological, biological, and social reasons for this trend. 

Why does it happen?

Confidence and charm: 

Bad boys often carry strong confidence and charm which attracts the most women. A boy with a charming personality and Self-confidence draws more attention from women as compared to an insecure boy. For eg: Sarah kept staring at Marc during the elocution competition because He was confident and bold in his voice. According to research in social psychology, confidence is linked to perceived competence and desirability. When bad boys display an air of self-assuredness, it creates an illusion of reliability and strength, even if their behavior suggests otherwise.

Excitement and Adventure: 

Bad boys can bring adventure into relationships, they are very unpredictable, Which brings excitement in women. Some of them may also be drawn to the thrill of not knowing what will happen next. For eg: Sarah had always dated responsible men, but when she met Marc, a risk-taker with an adventurous spirit, she found herself drawn to his wild side. His spontaneous road trips, daring attitude, and refusal to conform to social norms made her feel alive in a way she had never experienced before. A study by Zuckerman (1994) indicates that novelty and risk-taking can activate the brain’s reward system, particularly the dopamine pathway, which is linked to pleasure and excitement. This chemical release can make being around a bad boy feel psychologically rewarding.

Challenging and fixing mentality: 

Some women are drawn to the idea of “fixing” bad boys, believing they can change their behavior through love and care. This aligns with research by Sroufe (1996), which discusses how people with attachment insecurities may gravitate toward unstable relationships. The idea of “saving” someone from their flaws or past mistakes can appeal to some women, especially those with nurturing tendencies or unresolved childhood issues. For eg: Saru fell in love with Inder even after knowing about his past, just because she believed that she could fix him. 

Influence of media:

In movies, it is always shown that the villain wins over the hero, which creates unrealistic expectations for women to fall for bad boys. Women try to find the boy in real life which matches the image of the villain shown in the movie. Characters like Kabir Singh, Joker, or even Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries embody the “bad boy” stereotype, and women are drawn to their intense personalities. The portrayal of bad boys as charismatic, passionate, and deeply emotional beneath their tough exteriors makes them appealing. Romanticizing toxic traits in films can lead to unrealistic expectations in relationships.

Psychological and past experiences: 

Women who had a difficult childhood, or might have faced trauma from past  experiences are more likely to be attracted to bad boys because it gives them familiar feelings even though it is not a healthy relationship. Women with an anxious attachment style may be drawn to unpredictable partners, mistaking instability for passion. This often stems from childhood experiences where love was inconsistent or conditional. E.g. A woman who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents might subconsciously seek relationships that mirror that inconsistency, believing that if she “wins” over the bad boy, it will heal her wounds.

Read More: Exploring Human Connection: A Look at Attachment Theory

Consequences

Emotional ups and downs: 

Emotional ups and downs happen when someone’s feelings change constantly and they are not clear about it, somedays they make you feel loved on other days they become cold and distant which makes women question their self-worth and often leads to anxiety, overthinking and self-doubt. According to a study by Impett et al. (2013), relationships that lack emotional stability can lead to feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and confusion. The constant emotional roller-coaster can make women question their self-worth, leading to psychological distress. For eg: Selena was stuck in a relationship where her boyfriend would shower her with love and attention one day and ignore her texts the other day, she kept blaming and asking herself ‘Where did I go wrong’? Which led her to overthink and self-doubts. 

Heartbreak and disappointment: 

When women find that their partner is not changing they start feeling exhausted and disappointed in the relationship. When repeatedly their hopes fail it becomes hard for them to bear the pain. For eg: Caroline believed that her boyfriend would change his bad behavior but he remained the same. Every time she tried and hoped for a better chance but ended up being more exhausted which led to an emotional breakdown. Research by Sprecher and Regan (2002) shows that women who invest in changing or “fixing” their partners often face disappointment when those efforts fail.

Difficulty in trusting future partners: 

Betrayal from bad boys results in tons of trust issues, it becomes very difficult for women to trust someone else or to start over new things with somebody else.The negative experiences might also create a sense of insecurity. According to Fraley (2002), unresolved trust issues from past relationships can significantly affect one’s ability to form healthy attachments in future relationships. For eg: after getting cheated on by Anshuman who was a bad boy, Geet finds it difficult to trust and fall in love again with Aditya, because her past trauma made her believe that history will repeat itself even though Aditya was a good boy.

Unresolved emotional needs: 

Women may stop craving for mental peace to protect their love. They often confuse attachments with real love and end up in an unhealthy state of mind. For eg: Preeti kept suppressing her feelings thinking that ‘All is fine in love’, later she found herself neglecting her own happiness and well-being. 

Missed Growth opportunities: 

Women in toxic relationships often ignore the opportunity to develop and evolve in their careers, they find it difficult to shift their focus on themselves instead of focusing on the toxic relationship, The emotional battles from an unhealthy environment might stop them from growing and improving. 

For eg: Pooja always dreamt of pursuing her higher education abroad but her toxic partner Always manipulated her not to, because of the long-distance relationship. She had a fear of losing her partner and the damage that would cause their relationship to break hence she missed every opportunity. 

Conclusion

The attraction of women to “bad boys” can be attributed to various factors, including confidence and charm, excitement and adventure, the challenge of “fixing” them, media influence, and past psychological experiences. These elements contribute significantly to the appeal of bad boys. However, this attraction often comes with consequences, such as emotional instability, heartbreak, difficulties in trusting future partners, unresolved emotional needs, and missed opportunities for personal growth. Women drawn to bad boys may experience psychological challenges that negatively impact their well-being. Often, the line between love and attachment becomes blurred, causing them to mistake unhealthy dynamics for real love, which should encompass trust, respect, and care. It’s crucial to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviors, as unhealthy patterns can have long-term effects on both psychological and physical health. On the other hand, fostering healthy behaviors leads to overall well-being and personal growth.