What Happens When You Fall for Hoovering in a Toxic Relationship

Coming out of a toxic relationship is one of the most liberating experiences; however, it’s usually one of the most challenging. When you’re beginning to move on, the other person reappears, declaring love, promising to change, or pleading for reconciliation. This is one of the most subtle tactics of manipulation—often called “hoovering”—intended to suck you back into an unhealthy relationship. 

Known for its association with the Hoover vacuum cleaner, this is how they suck you back into your life. Once initially harmless or even loving in its intent, it soon morphs into a cycle of hurt and control. Knowledge of what it looks like and how to avoid getting sucked in can save you pain and ensure that you do not stop.

Read More: Understanding Dark Psychology and Manipulation Tactics 

What is Hoovering? 

Hoovering is a manipulation technique in which manipulators use such acts to regain power over someone who has sought to leave or set some boundaries. Hoovering typically occurs in romantic relationships and friendships but can also be within a family. Also, hoovering uses guilt, affection, desperation, or promises of changes to make you return. 

Hoovering usually happens after some time separated without communication, where the individual realizes they are losing their grip on you. They may confess regret for whatever they have done and threaten to try to be different or claim inability to live without you. Often, hoovering sounds reassuringly convincing, but often, hoovering has nothing to do with love nor an ability to change. It is to hold the strings so you do not take off from them and run your life (Stines, 2018). 

Read More: 7 Signs That Friendship Might be Crossing Boundaries

Symptoms of Hoovering 

Hoovering can be varied, and some of them might just be more covert than others. Being vigilant ensures that you notice these moves and act against them as well. 

• Repeated Apologies and Declaration to Change: A hoover may arrive in your life with great regrets, repenting of all they have done wrong, promising to never hurt you as they did before. Words, sound so nice to listen to them, but often this never happens, and they use it as a strategy for getting you back (Tartakovsky, 2020). 
• Playing the Victim: The hoover can make themselves a victim, so you will feel pity toward them. They might tell you, “I don’t know what I am going to do without you,” or, “You are the only one who understands me,” making you feel responsible for their emotional state (Stines, 2018). 
• Sentimentality and Nostalgia: You will remember some reckless memories, in-house jokes, or places that could stretch your heartstrings. This method tries to make you recall all the good stuff that happens and forget the terrible things going on in the relationship (Stines, 2018). 
• Love Bombing: Love bombing is when they shower you with affection, compliments, and gifts to make you feel valued and loved. It blinds you from the harm they caused before and makes it hard to see the manipulation that lies beneath (Durvasula, 2019). 
• Creating a Crisis: They can always concoct or dramatize emergencies to warrant your return. They fear illnesses, financial setbacks, or even emotional crises, which they, as a norm, use for you to react to (Greenberg, 2021). 
• Snooping or “Checking In”: Hooverers track your life through social media, common friends, or checking in by messages. Subtle control like that makes them stay within your life all the time, says Greenberg (2021). 
• Using Other People: You broke direct contact; they are enabled to bring their friends and even blood relatives mutual friends, and acquaintances to forward messages back to you or intercede for them (Tartakovsky, 2020). 
• Guilt-Tripping: “You are abandoning me,” or “You’ve changed,” are to brand you as selfish or cruel for leaving your well-being behind, says Durvasula (2019). 

Read more: Spotting Manipulation: How to Protect Yourself and Set Boundaries

Why Do People Hoover? 

Knowing what sets people into hoovering helps you take better control over your emotions and perception of things, so you can see things for what they are. 

1. Gaining Control: To toxic people, it is what appears to be the centre of their relationship. In case one decides to leave them or create boundaries, it tells them that they are losing their power, and that is when they tend to hoover their way as a form of restoring dominance (Stines, 2018). 
2. Ego and Validation: This makes them feel disrespected, and their ego will hurt. Hoovering allows the narcissist to rebuild themselves through the feeling that they have “won” you over (Greenberg, 2021).
3. Fear of Abandonment: People suck people in from a fear of abandonment. Instead of working out their insecurity, they manipulate others into making them stay (Durvasula, 2019). 

Read More: 7 Myths about Healthy Relationships

How to Defend Yourself from Hoovering 

A hoover can’t stop, but you can keep yourself safe by knowing the limits and your value for emotional well-being. Here are simple things that will ensure you stay safe: 

• Stay Neutral: If you ever have to communicate with this person, it could be about co-parenting in concise terms and without emotion. Argue or explain. 
• Know the Pattern: Knowledge is your biggest defence. Knowing the strategies of hoovering lets you identify them and thus resist them easily (Tartakovsky, 2020). 
• Their Feelings Aren’t Your Problem: You’re not there to manage the emotions of another human being. Do away with the guilt or the compulsion to “fix” them (Tartakovsky, 2020). 
• Limit or Quit Access: The best protection one can give to oneself is going “no contact.” Blocking their phone number, social media accounts, and email can help them create the space needed in healing (Tartakovsky, 2020). 
• Establish Clear Boundaries: You can easily explain to them what limits mean and stay firm; sometimes, it may be an unwilling dialogue or cutting up social media usage for some time to gain more control over life (Durvasula, 2019). 
• Healing and Moving On: Channel that energy into self-care, hobbies, or personal growth. Restoring your self-esteem and identity will help you become less vulnerable to being manipulated (Durvasula, 2019). 
• Get Help From a Professional: If hoovering becomes unbearable or you cannot move away, consider seeking a therapist. Professional help can arm you with valuable tools and techniques to navigate the situation (Greenberg, 2021). 
• Use Your Support Network: Let the people in your life know what is going on with this person. You can share your experiences with a trusted friend, family, or even a therapist. This will help you ground things and strengthen your choice of putting your well-being first (Greenberg, 2021). 
• Document Your Reasons: In this case, putting down one’s reasons why they will end the relationship will serve, for such thoughts and emotions get stronger when those particular moments come, and revisiting it by reading can get back memories, and maybe that choice seems to work out again with the appropriate input (Stines, 2018). 

Hoovering can be emotionally draining and confusing, even disguising itself as love, guilt, or desperation. Knowing will have you take the proper precautions to protect yourself and your well-being. Manipulation is not love, and you deserve the relationships that support and respect you. Break these cycles with such effective machinery as boundary-setting, limitations in terms of contact, and support-seeking, and this free time should be applied to getting your emotional independence towards gaining a fulfilling life in soundness. 

Read More: The Impact of Low Self-Esteem on Relationships: Insights from Psychologists

Conclusion

In conclusion, hoovering is a manipulation tactic used by toxic individuals to regain control over their victims. It’s essential to recognize the signs of hoovering, such as repeated apologies, love bombing, and guilt-tripping. By knowing the patterns and strategies of hoovering, you can protect yourself from falling back into the toxic cycle.  Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Don’t let anyone manipulate you into staying in a toxic relationship. Take control of your life, set boundaries, and seek help from professionals if needed.