If you’re a licensed therapist who has completed online counselling courses, you’ll likely come across patients who have experienced parentification in childhood. Recognising the signs of child parentification is the first step towards treating this trauma, and helping patients recover.
So what are some of the common warning signs of parentification? From difficulty relaxing and letting go, to feeling like we always need to be in control and that we can only depend on ourselves, as well as always feeling as though we need to act as a peacemaker due to our heightened sense of empathy – experiencing parentification in childhood has long-term ramifications in later life. Let’s explore the warning signs of child parentification in further detail.
1. Finding it Hard to ‘Let Loose’, Unwind, and Relax
If you were parentified in childhood, you likely had to take on responsibilities over and above what a child should normally be required to do. You may have had to take care of younger siblings, cook meals, or do household chores from a very young age. This essentially robs a child of their ability to be just that – a child. They may not ever have had the opportunity to simply ‘play’, and enjoy the special moments only the innocence of childhood can bring. In later life, this feeds into an inability to let loose and relax. As adults, we may develop a sense of guilt for idleness or self-perceived laziness, when in fact, rest is a critical element of our well-being. Scheduling downtime and making time for fun is an essential part of a full and balanced life.
2. Relishing the Feeling of Being in Control
As a parentified child, you may often have felt like you needed to step up where your parental figure was unable to do so. This may have meant that you were required to take the lead and be in control of certain situations. As an adult, this can develop into a feeling that we need to be in control of everything at all times. While this, firstly, can cause an individual to become somewhat of a control freak, there can also be long-term implications for their health and well-being. The truth? Quite simply, we can’t always do everything ourselves. If we attempt to do so, we can become stressed, burnt out, and overwhelmed. Learning to let go of complete control and let others help us is key to developing a more balanced approach to life.
3. Feeling Like We Can Only Depend on Ourselves
If we feel like we need to do it all ourselves, we can wind up mistrusting others. This can lead to a sense of hyper-independence in individuals who have experienced child parentification. Of course, it is all well and good to be able to depend on ourselves and to be self-sufficient. But, when reliance on the self is extreme, this can lead to strained relationships with others. The mistrust of letting other people do things instead of doing them ourselves must be released if we are to enjoy healthy relationships with those around us.
4. A Heightened Sense of Empathy and Moral Responsibility
Parentified children are also likely to experience a heightened sense of empathy. In saying this, the sense of moral responsibility they feel towards others can often lead them to neglect their own feelings and needs. To combat this, individuals who have experienced childhood parentification could benefit from therapy sessions to rebuild their sense of self-esteem and self-worth and to learn how to validate their own emotions.
5. Always Acting as the Peacemaker and Caregiver
As a parentified child, often, we can find ourselves needing to step in when there is conflict. We may be exposed to instances of domestic violence, or observe our parental figures fighting with each other. In these cases, the peacemaker role often becomes another responsibility a parentified child takes on. They may also feel they need to take a protective, caregiver role for younger siblings. But the catch? As peacemakers and caregivers, we can often tend to neglect ourselves, and focus on the needs of others instead. It’s only by realising that we, too, need love and protection, that we can also experience the care we need.
