Understanding Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Recently, a clip of a fifth grader from Thailand feeding her baby sister while studying in class was the talk of social media. The 20-second clip sparked a heated debate among netizens. It showed the older sister cradling and feeding her baby sister while writing class notes. According to the caption, the mom was busy with errands and had to leave the baby with the eldest daughter. The internet was torn between praising the little girl and pitying her for having to manage so much at her age.

From babysitting younger siblings to resolving parental conflicts, eldest daughters do it all. I am sure many reading this can recall some bitter memories of being the oldest or seeing their older sibling overburdened. As the oldest, many responsibilities “naturally” fall on them. Firstborn daughters have finally been getting their chance to shine as they share their struggles of being the oldest ones. 

What Is the Eldest Daughter Syndrome? 

From a young age, many little girls are forced to mature early on to support their busy parents. The eldest Daughter Syndrome refers to the burden, pressure, and responsibilities that eldest daughters are forced to take on from an early age (Cherry, 2024). This term was popularised by Karti Morton, a licensed marriage and family therapist. In a viral TikTok video with over 6 million views, she outlined the eight symptoms of eldest daughter syndrome.

She also explained how the oldest daughters are usually more responsible for domestic responsibilities (Luthria & Keenan, 2024). Often due to social norms, the eldest daughters are expected to look after their younger siblings and take on chores and other responsibilities. However, this often leads to the parentification of the eldest daughters. This term is not an official diagnosis and is not currently recognised by the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders “(DSM-5-TR).

According to experts, while birth order matters, it does not always mean that they will automatically take on certain traits and can vary from person to person (Kayata, 2024). Often, daughters as young as 5 are forced to take on a caregiving role and are forced to put their desires second. This often creates a rift between firstborns and the rest of their family as they grow resentful about the childhood they lost. 

Role Of Birth Order 

While it is not an official diagnosis, Alfred Adler had already introduced the role of birth order in shaping personality way back in the 1920s. According to his theory, birth order has a powerful impact on personality and development. Adler argued that firstborns initially get a lot of attention and time from their parents. They are the “experimental child” as the parents learn to navigate through parenthood. New parents are often more cautious, strict and rule-oriented as they are still learning. When the second child is born, suddenly they are forced to share the attention of their parents.

Know more about Birth Order Theory: How Birth Order Affects Your Personality

The oldest child may feel envious and resentful of the new sibling as they seized away their power. Adler suggests that parents have higher expectations from firstborns, as they are expected to set a good example for their siblings. He also argued that they feel entitled to power and authority and have great leadership skills. For instance, in Disney’s Encanto, Louisa, the eldest daughter, embodies these traits, bearing the weight of her family’s expectations and responsibilities.

However, it is important to remember that Adler’s theory does not have much evidence to support it. While this theory explains the role of birth order in shaping personality excellently, it does not stand true for everyone and depends on family dynamics. 

Symptoms of Eldest Daughter Syndrome 

Being the eldest daughter is not an easy task. Here are some warning signs that being the eldest one is affecting your mental health: 

• You tend to put others first and struggle with people-pleasing behaviour.
• You often take on too much responsibility and struggle when you are not in control of the situation. 
• You get anxious easily and are constantly in a state of worry. 
• You feel the need to constantly overachieve and are always on the grind to stay on top.
• You struggle with overwhelming and constant feelings of guilt. 
• You struggle with creating and upholding necessary boundaries. 
• You feel bitter, hostile, or resentful towards your siblings and parents.
• You struggle with developing or maintaining relationships as an adult. 

How to Heal From Eldest Daughter Syndrome 

It’s hard to heal when you have spent your whole life tending to the needs of others. However, if you are experiencing eldest daughter syndrome, it is time to prioritize your well-being and heal. Here are some methods to start your healing journey: 

1. Heal Your Inner Child: As the eldest daughter, you may feel as if you have lost the childhood you deserve. Inside your mind and heart lies a wounded inner child. Take time out of your day to reconnect with your inner self and heal the wounded child inside you. Try providing yourself with what you missed, no matter how childish it seems. 
2. Practice Self-Care: It is easy to forget that you have your preferences and needs when you are constantly looking after everyone else. Allow yourself to slow down, look inside, and check what you like. Set a fixed time for yourself to do what you enjoy and practice self-care. 
3. Establish Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. It is extremely important to understand your boundaries and strongly establish them and yes, this includes your family. Take a step away from everything and understand what makes you feel uncomfortable. Depending on your limits and comforts, slowly try to make the people around you adhere to your set boundaries.
4. Seek Professional Help: If you feel that you are too overwhelmed and are unable to manage your feelings alone, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Therapy can help you effectively understand and manage your symptoms and equip yourself with healthy coping mechanisms or tools to fight challenges thrown by life. 

Even though it is not a recognized condition many firstborn daughters suffer the mental health consequences of being overburdened with household responsibilities. Taking care of both your siblings and parents from a young age can be overwhelming and exhausting. All eldest daughters need to remember that you equally matter and that your needs and desires and needs are equally valuable as any other family member. Breaking this cycle can be hard but through bravery and self-compassion you can start your journey towards healing your inner child and develop your own identity apart from being the eldest daughter. 

FAQs

1. What is the Psychology behind eldest daughter syndrome: 

This concept is based on Adler’s theory of birth order which states that firstborns particularly daughters tend to have great leadership skills, are more achievement-oriented, and have a sense of responsibility. 

2. What is the oldest daughter mentality? 

It refers to the pressure and burden of being the eldest daughter. Women with eldest daughter syndrome tend to have an intense feeling of responsibility and need to overachieve. They also often struggle with anxiety and guilt. Such women tend to be people pleasers and have a hard time setting boundaries. 

3. What is the eldest daughter’s trauma in adulthood? 

Eldest daughters are often given too many adult responsibilities from a young age before they are ready. It can make them feel stressed, overburdened and a sense of lost childhood. Such women might struggle with forming healthy relationships and establishing boundaries. 

4. Is eldest daughter syndrome a diagnosable condition? 

No, eldest daughter syndrome is not an official diagnosis, however, it is used to describe the pressure and stress carried out by the oldest daughter who is often given too many domestic responsibilities from a young age.