Unconditional Love vs. Conditional Love: What Every Parent Needs to Know

While surfing through Pinterest feeds, I came across a quote by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a researcher in the field of child development, known for his work in attachment theory and the importance of a secure parent-child relationship.

He said – “Children must never work for our love; they must rest in it.”

How beautiful and comforting. Isn’t it?

There are many variations of love that we encounter in this lifetime – Romantic, Platonic, Familial, and even Self-love. But at the core of any form of love is Respect, Connection, Acceptance, and Commitment – to be mindful, to be present and to care even when the circumstances are not in our favour.

The moment children are born, they are curious to know who they are, what surrounds them, and where they stand. There is an innate need to connect, understand and explore this uncertain world just like how we try to find a place for ourselves in this far-flung corner of the globe and to understand what constitutes us and what does not.

When we bring children into this world, we bring a life and that life steps in carrying a whole life of its own. It is hard not to notice the amount of energy, enthusiasm, and positivity with which a kid walks around this world. Nothing seems impossible for them. They explore the world fearlessly and interact with everything around them with abundant confidence.

Then comes the “generational checklist” which we hand over to them, the one which was handed over to us by our parents, which they received from theirs and it does not stop there.

What is a Generational Checklist?

A generational checklist is like a to-do list except for the fact that a to-do list consists of all the things that “we” want to get done with on a
regular, weekly, monthly, or yearly basis according to our preferences and priorities, a generational checklist consists of all the things that “others” want us to accomplish because those are important to them or they “think or feel” that it “might be” crucial for us.

Imagine entering your workplace with excitement with the thought of sharing your ideas, experiences, and your new and unique outlook towards working on something very personal and fascinating for you. Without a window to convey all of this, you are handed over a checklist which you are expected to complete as mentioned without questioning, without any alterations or add-ons and most importantly without getting the chance to say that it’s just not your domain.

Read More: The Impact of Low Self-Esteem on Relationships: Insights from Psychologists

Now, how would that make you feel? Wouldn’t it seem that all your efforts went unnoticed and you end up shattered with the thought of accepting what is expected of you? Won’t you just stop coming up with ideas and put an end to your creativity because you know it won’t be celebrated?

Let us put an end to this generational checklist which has been doing more harm than good for ages now. There is an old saying that goes –
“One should know its enemy,” therefore we must understand why this checklist is harmful to our children, how it impacts their growth and
development, how it affects our relationship and how we can break free from this socially constructed cycle of suffering. One of the best remedies to end any suffering is unconditional love, it can reach places which has not been touched yet by medical or technological advancements.

What is Unconditional Love?

To break it down in simple terms, unconditional love is to love without conditions. It demands nothing in return. It is the purest form of love. It
is an urge to care for someone and to keep on doing so regardless of their behaviour and flaws. It is neither situational nor temporary. It is an
ever-lasting gift that we can offer throughout and is not just limited to a single person. It is to accept the person and the circumstances as they
are, without having an impulsive need to micromanage.

Read More: How to know if you have found True Love?

Having said that, it is also important to understand that loving someone unconditionally does not mean to support or encourage them when they
are at fault. It does not mean to let them walk all over you or to keep on saying yes to everything. It’s like saying, “Even if you mess up, I still care and love you and we can work on things together. You do not have to do this alone. What happens if you are ashamed yourself, I will be standing right next to you and we will get things under control together.”

Unconditional love is all about “being there,” loving and caring for the people who are important to us, providing them with comfort and support while they are searching and exploring themselves and the world around them, guiding and assisting them to learn from the mistakes and to let them know that their mistakes don’t define them or make them any less of anything. There are always going to be good enough to have it all.

What is Conditional Love?

Conditional love is structured with “only if” statements. It constantly demands something in return like – I scratch your back and you scratch
mine.

“I will love you if you act the way I want.”

“I will care about you if you take care of my needs.”

“I will be there for you only when it’s possible for me.”

Psychological Impact of Conditional Love on Children

• Low Self-Esteem: Children may feel that they are only loved and valued for their achievements and not for their individuality which impacts their self-esteem and restricts their growth. They might also start adhering to the needs and demands of others to receive love, attention, and recognition, forgetting their essence and what they truly desire.
• Fear of Rejection and People-Pleasing: They may become anxious and start indulging in things that go against their beliefs to shield themselves from rejection.
• Emotional Suppression: Children may start to suppress their emotions and won’t be able to express their real emotions as they are expected to be on their best behaviour.
• Lack of Self-Awareness and Identity Confusion: Being preoccupied with standing up to the expectations of others all the time would not leave them with enough space to explore different aspects of themselves like what they like, what they want to become, what makes them truly happy etc.
• Increased Risk of Mental Health Issues: Constantly being stood on the pedestal with the thought that their every move is being monitored and evaluated and that they would be provided with love and care based on these evaluations, can have long-term negative effects on their mental health like chronic stress, anxiety, obsessive perfectionism, and depression.

Physiological Impact of Conditional Love on Children

• Chronic Stress Response: The constant urge to put others first and meet their needs activates the sympathetic nervous system and
  triggers the “fight-or-flight” response. This keeps the body in a state of high alert all the time, increasing stress hormones like cortisol.
• Weakened Immune System: High cortisol levels over time, weaken our immune system which makes children more prone to fall sick and exposes them to various illnesses and infections.
• Sleep Disturbances: Being anxious and on the edge all the time can make it hard to fall asleep or stay asleep. It can also disrupt the
  pattern and quality of sleep.
• Digestive Problems: Ongoing stress can lead to poor digestion of food and loss of appetite.
• Cardiovascular Risks: Continuous stress can cause faster heart rates and higher blood pressure which can cause cardiovascular diseases.
• Poor Brain Development: Prolonged emotional stress can affect the development of the prefrontal cortex, which impacts decision-making skills and emotional regulation.

Impact of Unconditional Love on Cognitive and Behavioural Growth

Cognitive Growth Behavioural Growth

• Feeling safe to make mistakes and learn from them allows children to develop problem-solving skills
• When children experience unconditional love and care, they learn to be empathetic, making them emotionally intelligent
• Emotional security reduces stress which facilitates better concentration and focus
• Feeling loved allows children to make decisions mindfully by considering the situation and not letting go of what they believe in.
• Positive emotions stimulate the growth of neural connections which leads to better recall.
• Secure children are more likely to cooperate with others and share whatever they have without the fear of scarcity
• Children start exploring and interacting with the world which boosts their love for learning
• Unconditional love makes children more resilient and adaptable to new situations
• Unconditional love allows children to indulge in critical thinking to analyze situations and make independent decisions
• It strengthens their moral development, makes them aware of what is right and wrong, making them independent to take a stand for themselves and others

Long-Term Benefits of Unconditional Love

1. Resilience: Adults raised with unconditional love can handle stress better and bounce back from challenges.
2. Secure relationships: They can form secure and healthy relationships with friends, family, and their partners.
3. High Self-Worth: They grow up with strong self-esteem and believe that they are always worthy of love and respect.
4. Better Mental and Physical Health: Unconditional love makes us less susceptible towards developing any psychological or physiological issues.
5. Reduces the risk of getting Addicted: A strong emotional foundation exempts individuals from falling victim to addictive or risky behaviours for comfort.

Read More: Psychologists Suggest 9 Things for Parents to Raise Empathetic Children

Ways through which parents can show Unconditional Love

• Paying full attention to your child without interrupting or judging them.
• Express affection every day through hugs, kisses, and words of encouragement.
• Appreciate their efforts and assist them in their journey rather than praising them only when they succeed.
• Support them to follow their dreams even if those are different from what you have dreamed for them to become.
• Set boundaries but with love, compassion, and empathy.
• Respect them as you respect any other grown-up individual. Just because they are children does not make it right for us to disregard them.
• Avoid comparing your child and celebrate their individuality and unique traits.
• Forgive them and yourself often, knowing both them and us can mess things up and still be worthy of love.

Conclusion

Love is always brave and kind and unconditional love is something which we all deserve and should offer to others without limitations or expectations. It is beyond measure or value; true unconditional love is free and has no boundaries. It is our right to receive love without conditions and our duty and responsibility to share it with others. Unconditional love is a solid foundation for lifelong well-being and is very crucial for our growth in all aspects of life. We humans are social beings, we are born with the innate urge to connect and love others. Let us not lose sight of this fact.