The Psychology Behind Arguments

Argument skills have been in existence since humans started thinking and reasoning. However, formal study about argumentation occurred only after early philosophers started examining our tendency as humans to argue and reason. In recent years, there has been an increase in research on argumentation. Today, the practice of argumentation can be seen in every field and aspect of our lives, including scientific inquiry, legal procedures, education, and politics. The study of argumentation has therefore extended beyond philosophy. As a result, argumentative practices are studied by professionals and researchers from multiple disciplines such as linguists, legal professionals, psychologists, cognitive scientists, computer scientists, political scientists and others.

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But why do we argue in the first place?

We argue in an attempt to change another individual’s behaviour when their goals conflict with our goals. This has an additional element of lack of empathy and mutual understanding. Facing conflicts in relationships is not uncommon because it is inevitable that people’s goals are not always in alignment with each other. However, trying to garner the support of others but not being respectful and understanding while doing so leads to arguments.

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This is when we see maladaptive behaviours such as emotional outbursts, yelling, and even other forms of violence. However, some arguments are also constructive and facilitate growth. Engaging in arguments, especially as a couple, is an essential tool for decision-making, especially about topics that both the partners are concerned about.

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Arguments among Couples

Top conflicts that typically upset, irritate, hurt, or anger partners include condescension (or treating a partner as inferior or stupid), possessiveness, jealousy, dependency neglect, unreliability and/or rejection. In such cases, arguments are seen as a social activity involving discussions to reason and defend one’s standpoint using propositions supporting the same.

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This is followed by the identification, analysis and evaluation of logical relationships among the presented propositions. Although it might sound counterintuitive, arguing as partners can help not only make decisions about important topics but also help learn more about each other, maintain boundaries and resolve issues that might blow up in the long run. Arguing and fighting in a relationship also means that you care about your relationship.

Even resolved properly, arguments can strengthen your relationship. The way out of arguments involves constructive resolution of conflicts and disagreements wherein the people involved are calm, and respectful and are working towards finding a solution that they would mutually agree upon.

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Arguments as a strategy to learn

The Argue with Me (AWM) approach developed by Kuhn et al (2016) encourages people to argue and is based on the following principles –

• Argumentative thinking needs and uses dialogues.
• The way we think every day is naturally argumentative.
• For nurturing dialogues, one needs to think intentionally.

According to Kuhn et al (2013), developing argument skills is a gradual process and consists of multiple facets. Two manifestations could be observed in argumentative reasoning –

1. Participation in argumentative dialogue using relevant forms
2. Production of valid arguments, either as a result of individual thought or due to interactive thinking

Kuhn and her colleagues use Argue with Me as a strategy to help students develop argument skills, and also other communication skills such as dialogue engagement and writing. The techniques used in this approach help children become self-regulated learners by providing them with a sense of control over what they have to learn and do. This also enhances their metacognitive skills such as critical thinking, problem-solving, and collaborative decision-making.

Suggestions for arguing better

1. Choose your words carefully

As our emotions are high during arguments, it is important to be self-aware and choose words carefully. This includes avoiding sharp, painful comments and heavy language such as name-calling, cursing, threatening, comparing, etc.

2. Clarify and reflect

Clearly define and state your feelings, and reflect upon your emotions, thoughts and feelings, and that of the other person. Asking open-ended questions to understand the other person’s feelings is highly suggested, in cases where you cannot overtly understand their feelings. Paraphrasing their statements also helps in clarifying if we have rightly understood what the other person is trying to convey.

3. Try to look at things from their view

One of the most critical things while engaging in an argument is to look at things from the other person’s perspective or other different perspectives. By keeping yourself open to multiple perspectives, you are being considerate of the cognitions and emotional needs of the other person.

4. Listening and other skills

For a peaceful and compassionate resolution of conflicts, it is important to listen actively and practice other skills such as empathy and mindfulness while listening. It is also recommended that you give each other enough time to speak and pay full attention when they put their points forward, instead of thinking about the answer you need to give them.

5. Make requests instead of complaints

No one likes to be complained about, does it? If that’s the case, then we should strive to avoid bringing in complaints during arguments. Instead, respectfully placing requests could lead to a calmer resolution of disagreements and conflicts.

In conclusion, the phenomenon of arguing might seem maladaptive intuitively, but it becomes an adaptive form of behaviour if regulated meticulously. However, this is possible only if all or most of the people involved in argumentation work towards problem-solving and decision-making calmly and respectfully.

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