The Impact of Conditional Parental Regard on Children

Imagine being a child and being told that you are only loved when you achieve the perfect grades, when you behave perfectly and make your parents proud. You must feel the weight of constantly being “on” and striving to be perfect in order to receive that love and approval from your parents. Messing up, even a little, means that you could lose that love, affection and warmth that your parents show you. How did this impact a child’s growth, their self-concept and how they view the world?

This is referred to as conditional parental regard. This means that parents only provide love, support, and warmth to their children when they confirm and fulfil parental expectations. And the moment, the child does not meet the standards of the parent or does not behave in accordance with what their parents deem as right. They might withhold that affection and love from their child.

Conditional parental regard may show up in a variety of ways. Such as a parent might only express affection to the child when a child behaves appropriately, such as following rules and behaving according to the parent’s wishes. Sometimes, parents might only express love, warmth, and appreciation for their children when they perform academically well. However, love, affection and appreciation are withdrawn as soon as a child makes a mistake.

Unconditional parental regard, on the other hand, is when the parent provides love, acceptance and warmth to the child, regardless of their behaviour. Even when the child makes mistakes or does not act according to how their parents want them to be. The parent’s love is consistent, they don’t withhold any love and affection from their child.

However, this does not excuse bad behavior. Parents might make it clear that the parent disapproves of their child’s behaviour, but they do so while making it clear that their love and acceptance are not conditional. They might separate the child’s worth from their action. This approach can make a child feel more secure in their relationship with their parents. This also represents a balance between empathy and discipline.

Conditional parental regard often leads to detrimental effects on the child’s development. The child might think negatively about themselves. It can result in low self-esteem as well as increased feelings of depression and anxiety. The child might become anxious about constantly meeting parents’ expectations and standards, and because of this, they might start to fear, rejection and criticism. It also reduces a child’s resilience and security in interpersonal relationships. In this article, we will go in-depth with the impact of conditional parental regard on children’s development

Psychological Impact

Most children who are raised with conditional parental love might experience emotional instability. When they are only given love and acceptance when they meet certain expectations or accomplish something, they often equate their self-worth with external validation. It can give rise to feelings of inferiority and worthlessness. Children might grow up, thinking that they are only “worthy” or “good enough” when they achieve success or gain the approval of other people. Sometimes children may also develop a fear of failure and the need to always be perfect.

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Children who grow up in households that provide them with conditional parental regard tend to experience constant pressure and worrying related to
whether or not they will be able to meet the standards of their parents. This creates anxiety about making mistakes and failing. They often become very self-critical of themselves. Due to their intense fear of failing, they often avoid engaging in new activities, hobbies or changes.

The early relationship a child has with its parents and caregiver plays a very crucial role in shaping their adult relationship dynamics. Children who are raised in a household that provides them conditional parental regard tend to have insecure attachment styles. A child might develop an anxious attachment style in which they constantly feel the need to seek validation and reassurance in their relationship. It might manifest in being emotionally needy and always being preoccupied with the anxiety related to abandonment or rejection.

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Sometimes children may also develop an avoidant attachment style in which they emotionally withdraw themselves, and they are hesitant to form any intimate and close relationships. This might manifest in prioritising hyper-independence and self-reliance. They also might develop a disorganised attachment style in which they want to experience emotional closeness, but at the same time, they fear it. Usually, children with insecure attachment styles have been exposed to highly inconsistent behaviour by parents, which might lead to confusion and distrust in their relationships.

Conditional parental regard can often affect the child’s self-expression. They might be hesitant to put forth their authentic self Due to the fear of disappointing their parents and suppressing their real selves. They might present themselves only in ways that align with the parent’s expectations. They might not express their true thoughts, feelings and experiences. It causes inconsistencies in their real identity.

Conditional parental records might also affect the mental health of the child. Research suggests that there is a strong link between conditional parental regard and depression. Children who grow up in a household in which they are taught that love and affection are only available when they meet certain standards. They may internalise their beliefs and equate their worth to their external achievements. This may lead to chronic feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and worthlessness, which might manifest as depression in some children.

They may also engage in harsh self-criticism, perceiving their failures as fundamental flaws. As mentioned earlier, children who grow up with conditional parental regard also tend to be very fearful of rejection and failure. This may contribute to anxiety issues as well. The children may be overly concerned with meeting other people’s expectations, which might manifest as generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder or obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

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Alternative to Conditional Parental Regards

One of the alternatives to conditional parental regard is showing unconditional positive regard to your child. This concept was introduced by Carl Rogers in the context of therapy.

However, it has been adapted into parenting as well. This approach includes accepting the child as they are without imposing any conditions on their behaviours. Parents who adopt unconditional positive regard do not equate their child’s worth to their successes, failures or behaviours. They tend to show love, compassion and warmth to the child irrespective of their behaviour. This approach tends to foster a more positive environment, which promotes secure, emotional attachments and allows the child to grow into a well-adjusted adult.

Children who experience unconditional positive regard tend to have a very positive self-image, and they perceive themselves in a positive light. They also tend to feel more secure in their adult interpersonal relationships, which is likely to reduce anxiety and depression. Instead of striving to always meet the external expectations and the standards of other people, they tend to value their self-expression more.

Here are some small things that you can keep in mind to inculcate a more positive environment and provide unconditional positive regard to your children

1. It is crucial to separate the child’s behaviour from their intrinsic worth. You can use phrases such as “ I love you, but this behaviour needs to change”. which highlights that the love is not withdrawn when the child misbehaviours but also integrated taking actuality for it.
2. Even when their behaviours are undesirable, you can let your children know that their emotions are accepted and understood, which promotes emotional intelligence and self-regulation.
3. When there is open communication between the child and the parent, the child feels comfortable in expressing their thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgement or rejection. This can create a more trusting relationship between the child and the parent.

Keeping these small things in mind can help you create a more positive environment for your child, which can help them cultivate a healthier perception of self and help them with regulating their emotions and interpersonal relationships. Showing unconditional positive regard, however, does not mean that you don’t use discipline with your children. Discipline can help your children to feel both loved as well as guided. Parents should strike a balance between love and discipline.

Conclusion

Conditional Parental Regard can have long-lasting negative effects on the child’s emotions, thinking and behaviour. Many researchers also highlight a link between conditional parental regard and anxiety and depression. Apart from this, children growing up in households where they were not given unconditional parental regard are more likely to struggle in forming fulfilling interpersonal relationships and vulnerability.

They might also develop insecure attachment styles. One alternative to this is Unconditional positive regard, which separates the worth of the child from their actions. The parents continue to give them love and affection even when they don’t behave in the way their parents want them to. However, this does not mean that children should not be held accountable for their behaviour. One should strive to strike a balance between love and discipline.