Psychology Behind Situationship 

“We’re not dating, but we’re not just friends either.” 

Have you ever felt this with someone? Have you ever heard someone saying this about their relationship? Welcome to the world of situationship, which has become very popular in recent years, especially among the younger generations. Even though the term feels new and trendy, the psychology behind it is as old as human beings itself. In this article, we’ll dive into the complex psychological forces that drive people into — and often keep them stuck in — these ambiguous relationship dynamics. 

What is a Situationship? 

In the Cambridge dictionary, situationship is defined as “a romantic relationship between two people who do not yet consider themselves a couple but who have more than a friendship”. Situationship is not something that is only experienced by a certain group of people. In fact, we all experience situationship at some point in our lives. It is a stage between a friendship and a committed relationship. Most people in relationships may feel this in the beginning stage of their dating. Then, that relationship may gradually become either serious or if unhealthy it’ll end. 

However, some people prefer to continue in this stage without going further. They know that they are not in friendship and going through something more than that. But, they do not want to define what it is. So, it remains a romantic or sexual relationship that lacks clear boundaries, labels, or long-term commitment. 

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Unlike traditional dating where there’s a progression – dating, exclusivity, commitment – situationships often plateau in ambiguity. One person may be holding out hope for something more; the other may be content with the status quo or emotionally unavailable. But why do people get into these undefined spaces? The answer isn’t just about fear of commitment or casual hook-up culture. There’s far more going on beneath the surface — in our minds, our past experiences, and even our biology. 

Attachment Styles: Your Relationship Blueprint 

As social beings, relationships are important in our lives. The relationship patterns differ among individuals. The psychology behind situationship can be defined by the attachment theory, a concept developed by British psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. Attachment styles, formed in early childhood, shape how we relate to others in close relationships. Let’s look into how each attachment style is connected to situationship.

• Anxious Attachment: Some people may crave close relationships but fear abandonment. This is called anxious attachment. People with this style of attachment tolerate the uncertainty of a situationship while expecting it will become something more. The ambiguity can actually amplify their emotional investment, as they overanalyze every interaction and seek validation from their partner. 
• Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often fear closeness and are suffocated by too much closeness. A situationship offers them connection without the expectations of a committed relationship. They may prefer emotional distance and ambiguity. 
• Secure Attachment: People with this style of attachment value healthy communication and clear boundaries. They’re less likely to remain in a situationship for long, as they tend to seek clarity and mutual understanding. If a situationship doesn’t meet their needs, they’re more apt to walk away. 

The interplay of these attachment styles can create a push-pull dynamic — the anxious partner wants more, the avoidant partner resists, and the situationship drags on in a loop of unmet expectations. 

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Choice Overload 

We are living in an era with a lot of dating apps and social media. So, there are many choices available to you through different platforms. You can simply connect with someone with just a swipe. This paradox of choice — the idea that too many options can lead to anxiety and dissatisfaction — plays a significant role in the rise of situationships. Psychologist Barry Schwartz, in his book The Paradox of Choice, argues that having too many choices can lead to “decision paralysis” and fear of commitment. Why settle for less if you have many better options available? Situationships allow people to keep these options open while avoiding the perceived finality of commitment. 

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Ambiguity as Emotional Armor 

Ambiguity is a characteristic of situationships and often acts as a form of self-protection. When we do not label something it seems less serious and less painful. Defining a relationship makes it real, and real things can end, hurt, or fail. So, this undefinition helps to avoid vulnerability. It’s easier to say that “we’re just hanging out” than to risk rejection or heartbreak. 

We can see the role of Freud’s defense mechanisms – the unconscious psychological strategies that protect us from anxiety and discomfort. In situationships, denial (pretending you’re okay with ambiguity), rationalization (telling yourself “I’m not ready for anything serious”), and projection (“They don’t want to define it, not me”) are often at work.

The Dopamine Rollercoaster: Why It Feels Addictive 

Individuals feel addicted to situationships. Why such relationships are more addictive than committed relationships? B. F. Skinner’s principle of intermittent reinforcement in psychology explains this. In situationships, affection and attention are often unpredictable. Some days you receive a lot of messages and romantic chats and the next day there will be a full silence. This unpredictability triggers a dopamine spike — the brain’s feel-good chemical — each time you receive attention or affection. The emotional highs are intense, but they’re followed by lows, creating a rollercoaster effect that keeps you hooked. 

This pattern mirrors the psychology of gambling and other addictions. The uncertainty becomes intoxicating. You keep chasing the next high, hoping for consistency that never quite comes. 

Social Media: The Illusion of Connection 

In this era of social media and late-night chats, it’s easier to maintain low-effort connections. Social media fosters pseudo-intimacy, a feeling of closeness without having real intimacy. The likes, comments, or flirty messages can create a sense of connection that’s not genuine. It’s easy to feel connected 24/7 without having a genuine connection.

Moreover, social media broadcasts the idea that everyone else’s love life is perfect, which can cause people in situationships to second-guess their needs or feel pressure to “make it work” for the sake of appearances. 

The Role of Sunk Cost Fallacy 

Why do people stay in relationships even if they’re not getting much in return? One reason may be the sunk cost fallacy – a cognitive bias where individuals continue investing in something because they’ve already put in time, energy, or emotions. You think, “I’ve already spent months on this — I can’t give up now,” or “Maybe if I hang in there a little longer, they’ll commit.” The more invested you are, the harder it becomes to walk away, even if it’s no longer serving you. 

How Situationship Influences Your Mental Health? 

Since people in situationships don’t define their relationships, ambiguity exists. Moreover, neither of them knows what they exactly want. Apart from this, a lack of clear communication may cause a lack of understanding about each other. This may result in idealizing the other person than what they actually are.

If the boundaries are not well defined, then it may also impact mental health in many ways. One of the common issues that arises is that one person gradually develops feelings and wants more in the relationship whereas the other person does not want to commit. This will affect the person wanting a commitment and can have a negative impact on their self-worth. Such kinds of relationships can result in the idealization of the partner and unhealthy relationship patterns. 

Coping With a Situationship 

• Be genuine about your feelings and intentions for the relationship. 
• If you are expecting a serious relationship, communicate it with your partner. So, you can move forward if the other person also wants the same. Also, you can leave if the other person is not ready for a serious relationship. 
• Avoid your passive approach in a situationship. If you are expecting a serious relationship, be open about your intentions to the other person. Your passive approach may trouble you later. You may expect that the relationship will become serious over time but the other person may not think the same. Your passive approach will maintain the ambiguity and give false hope. 
• Communicate your needs, values, and boundaries with your partner. Setting clear boundaries and respecting each other is important for a healthy relationship. Moreover, in situationships, understanding clear boundaries can prevent hurt from having unwanted expectations. 
• If your situationships is really impacting your mental health and you can’t deal with it, then it’s better to seek the professional help of a relationship counselor. 

Conclusion 

Situationship is not always a bad thing. If you’re not ready for a committed relationship but want to experience the benefits of a relationship, then situationship may work for you. In contrast, if you really want a committed serious relationship, then staying in situationship may have a negative impact on your mental health. 

Be aware of yourselves and your self-worth. Don’t get hurt by unhealthy relationships just because of your unresolved fears and cognitive biases. It’s okay to seek professional help and deal with your fears and confusion. Whatever the type of your relationship, always communicate clearly about your needs and boundaries. Be certain about what you want and communicate it with your partner. If you both need the same, then it may be good for you to go on. Otherwise, it’s okay to leave.

FAQs 

1. How do I know if I’m in a situationship? 

If your relationship lacks clear labels, boundaries, or future plans — and conversations about “where this is going” are avoided or vague — you’re likely in a situationship. Emotional closeness and physical intimacy might be present, but there’s no official commitment or shared understanding of the relationship’s direction. 

2. Is being in a situationship always a bad thing? 

Not necessarily. Some people prefer casual, undefined connections — especially if both parties are on the same page. Problems arise when one person wants more while the other resists commitment, creating emotional imbalance, confusion, and frustration. 

3. Why do people choose situationships over committed relationships? 

Several reasons: fear of commitment, past trauma, emotional unavailability, or simply enjoying the flexibility. In today’s fast-paced, option-rich dating world, some prefer to avoid the “pressure” of defining a relationship. 

4. Can a situationship turn into a real relationship? 

Yes, it’s possible, but not guaranteed. Open communication, mutual effort, and alignment of goals are crucial. If both individuals genuinely want to transition into something more serious, it can happen — but clarity and honesty are key. 

5. Why do I feel anxious or insecure in a situationship? 

Ambiguity can trigger anxiety, especially for those with anxious attachment styles. When the relationship status is unclear, it’s easy to feel uncertain, overthink, or seek constant validation. The inconsistency of attention can also activate emotional highs and lows, making you feel hooked but unsettled. 

6. How do I bring up the “what are we?” conversation? 

Choose a calm, private time to express your feelings honestly. Use “I” statements, like “I enjoy spending time with you and would like to know where you see this going.” Focus on your needs rather than pressuring the other person, and be prepared for any outcome.