Psychologists’ insights on Imposter syndrome and Relationships

Around 70% of people have struggled with imposter syndrome at some point in their life. With increasing prominence, it is essential to understand its meaning and what are the ways that help in dealing with it, especially in relationships.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

In this syndrome, a person might feel fake for what he is. The constant thought of getting caught even if there is nothing to hide lingers around in the mind. Imposter syndrome is not limited to just one segment, it can affect all segments like friendships, relationships, and work. Imposter Syndrome often accompanies the state of loneliness.

Is Imposter Syndrome diagnosable?

It is not diagnosable to date. Standard tools like DSM V and ICD 10 have not yet standardized their criteria for diagnosis, A psychotherapist can screen out Imposter Syndromes based on the characteristics described by the client.

Self-doubt: It is both the cause and major characteristic of Imposter Syndrome. Having consistent self-doubt decreases self-esteem exponentially. A set of negative self-talk often follows self-doubt. This increases the risk factor of acquiring mental illnesses.

What are the characteristics of Imposter Syndrome?

Characteristics encompass consistent checks of one’s own abilities and skill set, crediting environmental factors for success but criticizing itself on the experience of failure. A continuous fear of disappointment and not keeping up with the expectations lingers around. Overachieving is also an underrated characteristic where a person tends to overachieve in all domains to satisfy oneself that he or she is doing enough and that they deserve it if they gives more than the required effort. Another characteristic is setting goals that are practically difficult to achieve, failure to do so often results in critical criticism of oneself.

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How does Imposter Syndrome affect our lives?

Though many people have gone through Imposter Syndrome and its impact on day-to-day life seems meagre; it does manipulate our thinking process and thus our efficiency and direction of our actions.

For some, Imposter syndrome is like a push of motivation to perform better. But with consistent self-doubt, anxiety sets in the body around the clock. Having anxiety for a prolonged time can directly affect our lives, be it physical, social, occupational, or psychological. The graph of the probability of acquiring mental illnesses, especially those of chronic depression and bipolar, rises tremendously. Accepting and internalizing the idea of one’s success seems more difficult than working hard for this success.

Read More: Why is our Society Obsessed with Success?

To prove oneself that one deserves their accomplishments and consistently being anxious and overworking about it can make us stuck in this vicious cycle Though the ladder of success seems to be increasing, the circle seems to be revolving into a spiral getting deeper into this without any visible exit points.

Along with this, social anxiety is found correlated to Imposter Syndrome where one might not feel confident about its personality. Addressing the achievements seems like boasting and imagining themselves as a narcissist. While coming out about the weakness of Imposter Syndrome looks like getting a pity reaction.

Megha Jain, Clinical Psychologist

According to Clinical Psychologist Megha Jain, “Imposter syndrome means to not feel worthy and not enough, they keep experiencing an internal sense of pressure for striving to be something that they are not… Imposter Syndrome is a sense of discomfort with your authentic self and starting to run towards the ‘ideal’ imaginary version of self. When that happens in a romantic relationship, the couple starts encountering a load of unsaid expectations. These are mostly unrealistic expectations from either side. The partner suffering from the imposter syndrome retains a subconscious insight into how unrealistic that expectation is, they are unable to communicate the expectation clearly to their partner due to the associated sense of guilt. As a consequence, the couple faces an enormous communication gap which becomes very difficult to fill unless there is an external intervention by an experienced therapist.”

How does it impact Relationships?

The most common obstacle is self-doubt. Even in a relationship, a person with imposter syndrome might feel not deserving enough for the love that they are receiving. They question their worth as a partner in a relationship and feel that some other person can be a better partner than them. In a relationship, it is okay to share emotional baggage with your partner to feel better, but a person struggling with Imposter Syndrome can feel like a burden on the other.

Another significant difficulty is feeling fake. The thought of being someone else and pretending to please the partner is witnessed in Imposter Syndrome even though they are being completely honest about it. On the contrary, doubting the partner can also occur, like questioning their perspective and love about oneself. Reassurance by asking if they are happy with this relationship is often witnessed.

According to Assistant Professor & Clinical Psychologist Gargi Chauhan Mehta, “Imposter syndrome can strain relationships by fostering self-doubt, difficulty in accepting compliments, and fear of being exposed as incompetent. It may lead to communication challenges, with affected individuals struggling to express their needs or feelings clearly. Partners may feel confused or frustrated by constant validation-seeking behaviours or a lack of openness. Over time, this dynamic can erode trust and intimacy, affecting both personal and professional relationships negatively.”

Read More: Importance of Trust in Relationships

Causes of Imposter Syndrome

The causes of Imposter Syndrome can be an interplay of various factors. Family dynamics is one of its key factors. The way a child experiences upbringing and nourishment through parenting styles has a significant impact. For a child who had the pressure of always scoring good marks and their worth was based on validation of their output instead of the efforts they are giving in; such kids continue to foster into adults with Imposter Syndrome. On the other hand, a child who is appreciated and rewarded for the amount of effort he is putting in instead of a mark sheet, the child grows into a person who values himself, his efforts, and his worth and can accept his achievement.

Read More: The Psychology Behind Achievement

Another cause is gender stereotypes. Women having higher social status due to their professional proficiency often have Imposter syndrome because they are told by their environment that they are not capable enough to achieve such a high position. Even if women take a leap of faith and venture into working hard, the thought of nagging other people still stays in their minds.

Helping partner with Imposter Syndrome

One of the best ways to have your partner in his struggle is to hold hands. Sharing the same bubble of state of mind can help enhance emotional belongingness. A feeling of safety and security subsides with it which is essential when self-doubt is at its peak due to the Imposter Syndrome. Talking about the negative thoughts and directly asking for reassurance when required goes miles. Professional intervention through psychotherapeutic support can help magnificently with this.

“Addressing imposter syndrome through therapy and open communication is crucial to maintaining healthy and supportive relationships. Managing imposter syndrome in relationships involves fostering open communication with your partner about insecurities and seeking their support. Practice self-awareness by recognizing and challenging negative self-talk and perfectionist tendencies. Celebrate your achievements together and acknowledge that it’s okay to make mistakes. Consider therapy or coaching to develop coping strategies and build confidence. By cultivating mutual trust and understanding, you can strengthen your relationship while navigating the challenges of imposter syndrome.” says Gargi.

In conclusion, Imposter Syndrome is quite commonly prevalent with the hustle lifestyle and complications in relationships. What is important here is to accept it as the first stage and let your partner be an actual partner in combating Imposter Syndrome.