Relationships have gone through a tremendous makeover in the last few decades. Millennials are facing challenges in their relationships that never existed before. As Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and an expert on relationships says, “Never have we invested more in love and never have we divorced or broken up more in the name of love.”
Marriages are no more the same institution we knew a few years back. Gone are the days when religious entities dictated the dos and don’ts in a relationship; the days when roles in a relationship were pre-decided by their gender; the days when women had to depend on men financially; the days when passion in a relationship was compromised for its stability. Marriage is no more an institution where people turn for safety and security.
In an age, where people are busier and lonelier than ever before, millennials are forced to turn to their partners to fulfil most of their needs, if not all. They seek intimacy and individuality in the same relationship. They expect their conflicting needs for security and adventure to be met by the same person – which means a partner is expected to be familiar enough to feel the comfort and surprising enough to sustain the desire and passion. They expect their partner to give them a sense of stability, meaning and purpose while fulfilling their emotional and sexual needs. In short, millennials turn to their partners to play various roles and fulfil different needs, which once used to be fulfilled by an entire village.
Why most Relationship advices fail to serve millennials?
Millennials value freedom and give it huge importance in every aspect of life. They refuse to be bound by any belief, institution or hierarchy that tend to limit them. This has opened up a world of possibilities before them. However, the lack of clearly defined boundaries has increased the chances of them getting lost before they find their unique path.
If we look a few decades back, relationship ethics were dictated by religious authorities. There existed gender roles and clear demarcation of what’s right and what’s not, by a higher authority. Most often than not, during those times, women were financially dependent on men. And this made the choice to leave marriage almost non-existent. Lot has changed over the years. Women have become independent; millennials choose to define the boundaries for themselves than following the norms predefined by a society, religion or any hierarchy.
Having seen many dysfunctional families stay together for the lack of an alternative, millennials know it is foolish to measure the quality of a relationship based on its length. This made them lean towards the opinion that it’s better to end a relationship which is not working than unnecessarily drag it on moral grounds.
With each couple building their relationship on their own terms, each relationship has its own identity and uniqueness. Hence, the generic relationship advice will not cater to the nuances in each relationship. Thus it becomes extremely important to listen deeply and understand the chemistry in a relationship, and the values they hold as individuals and as a couple before one offers them the words of wisdom.
Most relationship advices that do the rounds haven’t considered the evolution of relationship over the years. While marriage was an economic institution a few years back, it hasn’t been much time since it evolved into a romantic institution. Hence, any advice that hasn’t considered this evolution and has not cared to listen to what each couple values, what their fears and aspirations are will fail to serve them.
What can help?
With the absence of a standard template for relationship it has become important for each couple to establish the values and norms for their relationship. It has become important for each couple to be aware of what they are intending to build together. To the extent you are able to take responsibility for your own vulnerabilities and core emotional wounding, it is to this extent that you will release your partner from this burden, which is not his or hers to carry. The two most important elements to nurture an intimate relationship, can be said, are: the courage to be honest and the strength to be vulnerable. Here are some pointers that may help:
1. Be willing to speak the truth
Speaking truth doesn’t always give us a pleasant experience. But every single time you choose to hide a truth you automatically create a layer of distance between you and your partner. The most common reason people give for not speaking the truth is the fear of hurting their partner. Is it okay to hide the truth to avoid hurting your partner? – Is a question you need to answer for yourself, and maybe, have a discussion with your partner too?
2. Be willing to feel your feelings
The moment you stop yourself from acknowledging how you are feeling, you put yourself in a conflict within. This conflict doesn’t allow you to be at ease, be at your best. And, this definitely is bound to have an unhealthy influence on your relationship. Remember, you can love others only to the extent you love yourself.
3. Be willing to acknowledge your mistakes
You will make mistakes, and that is fine. There is no one who wouldn’t make mistakes. However, what is important is you acknowledging your mistake. Remember, it is easy for anyone to blame. To acknowledge one’s mistakes take courage.
4. Be willing to take responsibility for your happiness and well-being
It is solely your responsibility to take care of yourself; no relationship is a reason to avoid it. While your partner may support you in your journey, it is wrong to expect them to do your job.
5. Be willing to pause your urge to teach and learn
It is always tempting to teach. But if you could let go your urge to teach your partner and look for what you both can learn at the moment, your relationship will thrive.
