Is Emotional Intimacy Key to a Lasting Relationship?

We all know how communication is a key in relationships but what do we know about emotional intimacy? Is it the same? Emotional intimacy plays a distinct but equally important role as communication does in a relationship.

Emotional intimacy is like having a close connection with another person where there is mutual understanding, trust, and vulnerability. It is a safe and secure feeling that allows one to share their emotions with the other person. It is often described as being “in sync” with the other person where both partners are attuned to each other’s needs.

Emotional intimacy doesn’t come overnight. It takes time to build trust. More importantly, time isn’t enough it also takes mutual effort from both partners, to build a strong bond. When that strong bond is established, the partners become completely honest with each other and no longer feel the need to hide their true selves. When they reach this length, it signifies that they’ve learned to be emotionally intimate with each other.

Nowadays, it is really hard to trust people. Many of us have our own stories of our trust being broken, which can leave us hesitant to trust anyone anymore. But as days go by, we need someone to rely on. Someone with whom we can be ourselves, someone we can be vulnerable with without fearing judgment. This deep connection can only be possible when emotional intimacy is attained in a relationship.

Read More: Importance of Emotional Vulnerability in Relationship

Benefits of Emotional Intimacy in Relationships 

When a couple is emotionally intimate, they can share their unfiltered thoughts, emotions, and opinions. They can easily understand each other when they open up and give the support the other person needs. It gives us a secure feeling that someone is there for us anytime we need it. As a result, it can lead to greater satisfaction in relationships and the overall well-being of an individual.

Mark Gaskill, a family therapist contends that where two adults in a relationship both cooperate to work at it, greater intimacy is likely to grow. Many relationships survive because one person works hard on their own, to keep a marble balanced in the center of a glass pane. When one has greater input than the other this may encourage the struggling person to develop the skills needed and attain intimacy. However, when the other person is reluctant or scared, the relationship is much more likely to end.

Read More: Nurturing Intimacy: Strategies to Deepen Your Connection with Your Partner

The Core Problem in Relationships is the Lack of Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is often interpreted as ‘seeing into’ which means letting another person see into you and vice versa. When we see into a person, we come to know their real self unfiltered, moreover one’s vulnerable state. We build rigid walls around us that we don’t easily let anyone enter. When we lack emotional intimacy, we don’t easily let those walls down. Often intimacy is linked with sex, but true intimacy goes beyond multiple dimensions like emotional, psychological, physical, and even spiritual. 

Recent work on couples found that nurturing physical intimacy can only be attained when emotional intimacy is addressed well. Sometimes, couples might have a great sex life but they might still experience some sense of inner struggle to be in the relationship despite being physically close enough. This often stems from a lack of emotional intimacy. On the other hand, when a couple is emotionally intimate, they are in a healthy relationship with good physical and emotional support for each other.

Mark Gaskill, a family therapist in his book Systematic Parenting talks about how intimacy is a dynamic process and how we are always moving toward or away from having greater intimacy in all of our relationships. He contends that intimacy comes from having the freedom and tools to honestly consider and express your own, while simultaneously considering another’s, experiences, emotions, fears, vulnerabilities, strengths, weaknesses, needs, wants, fantasies, personal history, goals, and life-cycle position. Without emotional intimacy, there’s always a feeling that something is missing, somehow empty, or even lifeless. Even when problems arise, surface problems are met but the deeper problems like lack of emotional intimacy are not always addressed.

Read More: Understanding and Overcoming Fear of Intimacy

Signs Your Relationship is Lacking Emotional Intimacy 

• You don’t express your emotions.
• You think twice before sharing anything.
• You don’t feel the care your partner has for you.
• You feel distant from them even when you’re near them.
• You don’t share your deepest thoughts fearing misunderstanding.
• You withdraw yourself when feeling low instead of talking to them about it.
• You try to hide what you feel. Even if you want to cry you do it alone and not when with them.

Signs You Are Experiencing Emotional Intimacy 

• You easily confide in your partner.
• You talk unfiltered feeling free from judgments.
• You know you can call them any time you need.
• You feel safe to share anything with your partner.
• You understand their moods and support them when needed.
• You don’t have any second thoughts about sharing anything with them.
• You also feel a strong desire to be there for them anytime they need. 

Read More: The Impact of Low Self-Esteem on Relationships: Insights from Psychologists

Emotional Intimacy can be built in the following ways

Building emotional intimacy doesn’t have to be big; it takes little conscious effort, but it has to be mutual.

1. Laugh Together

A 2015 research suggests that the more you share genuine laughter with your partner, the better your relationship’s overall well-being. A licensed master social worker from New York City, Lauren Tetenbaum says “Talk & laugh. You can play games if the structure feels less awkward. Having inside jokes or even watching a show that you both like can help create emotional intimacy.”

2. Decide to Learn Something New About your Partner

Spending quality time together can help naturally build emotional intimacy, but building emotional intimacy intentionally can nurture the connection even more. Talley recommends learning something new about your partner when you spend time together. This can be achieved by giving your partner sustained attention and asking questions that help you understand them more deeply. Some questions might include,

• “When did you first have this dream for your future?”
• “When did you face a disappointment and felt unsupported?”
• “How would your life transform if you were able to achieve that dream?”

The key is to listen with empathy and compassion. When your partner is done, you can appreciate them for their openness and let them know you are grateful for confiding in you.

3. Show Affection

Be affectionate with your partner, physically or through acts of kindness. Make them feel valued and assure them you are euphoric for their presence in your life. Showing affection doesn’t always end in the bedroom, either. Little moments of looking into each other’s eyes, cuddling, and holding hands are also ways to build emotional intimacy without traditional physical intimacy. Try to engage in nonsexual displays of affection. Make your partner aware that their value goes beyond what they physically bring to the relationship. Doing so can increase their sense of security and safety in the partnership.

Read More: The Five Love Languages for Lasting Relationships

4. Share Stories

Learning about how your partner thinks and feels is a part of emotional intimacy. Know about their reaction to specific situations, what embarrasses them, or what they consider “pet peeves”. A licensed clinical psychologist from Brooklyn, New York, Dr Kerry McBroome suggests beginning with lighter-hearted stories from your past which can aid in expressing vulnerability. “You don’t need to dive into your most embarrassing or painful experiences right away,” she explains. Instead, ease into sharing more personal aspects of yourself with less intense, everyday stories. This approach can make the process of becoming vulnerable feel more natural and comfortable.

5. Be Bad at Something New Together

Another strategy McBroome suggests is exploring a new activity together that puts you both in a position to learn and be imperfect. Embrace each other’s flaws. Trying a new hobby which you are both not good at, can make you see each other’s vulnerability.

6. Communicate Openly

Open communication allows you and your partner to trust each other and also helps to build emotional intimacy. When you communicate openly and honestly, there are no hidden meanings or guesswork. You can learn that your partner is saying what they mean, and you can trust it to represent their true feelings.

7. Respect Each Other’s Boundaries and Individuality

It can be very difficult for you to want to be emotionally intimate when you don’t feel respected in the relationship. Set your boundaries and respect your partner. This can help to create mutual trust and maintain self-agency and autonomy.

Read More: Importance of Physical touch and 9 easy ways to cope with its absence

Conclusion

Just like how communication is key in a relationship, emotional intimacy is also crucial. Emotional intimacy is like having a close connection with another person where there is mutual understanding, trust, and vulnerability. It is a safe and secure feeling that allows one to share their emotions with the other person. Lack of emotional intimacy will cause internal struggle to be in a relationship which can cause greater distress. Some ways to build emotional intimacy include little mutual effort from partners, it might include spending time together to talk and laugh, learn new things, etc

FAQs

1. What is emotional intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is like having a close connection with another person where there is mutual understanding, trust, and vulnerability. It is a safe and secure feeling that allows one to share their emotions with the other person.

2. What are some signs you are experiencing emotional intimacy?

• You easily confide in your partner.
• You talk unfiltered feeling free from judgments.
• You know you can call them any time you need.
• You feel safe to share anything with your partner.
• You don’t have any second thoughts about sharing anything with them.

3. What are some signs that indicate you lack emotional intimacy in your relationship? 

• You don’t express your emotions.
• You think twice before sharing anything.
• You don’t feel the care your partner has for you.
• You don’t share your deepest thoughts fearing misunderstanding.
• You withdraw yourself when feeling low instead of talking to them about it.

4. What are some ways to build emotional intimacy?

Spend quality time together, communicate openly, share stories, do new activities together, and listen carefully to what your partner says with passion and without judgment.