“I am Just Bad at it”: Understanding Weaponized Incompetence in Relationships

“You had one job and you didn’t do it right?” You must have heard this at least once. Well, if the explanation given to this question is, “Sorry, I’m not good at it”, it is understandable. But, imagine if these excuses are used over and over again. No effort is taken towards improvement. Will it be acceptable then? Are these explanations given to stay away from responsibilities? Let us find out.

In any relationship, be it familial, romantic, or even professional, the expectation is that all people involved will share responsibilities. They will have to work together, and contribute equally. However, there exists a subtle yet pervasive behavior known as “weaponized incompetence”. Here one partner intentionally pretends to be bad at tasks to avoid doing their fair share. This tactic is not just frustrating; it undermines the very foundation of a relationship, leading to dissatisfaction and inequality.

Weaponized Incompetence: What is it?

Incompetence and weaponized incompetence have very fine line differences between them. Let us try to understand them with an example. Imagine a married couple (Partner A and Partner B) with a newborn baby.

The diaper duty: Incompetence 

Partner A has never changed a diaper before and is genuinely unsure how to do it. Partner A puts in genuine effort, does not avoid responsibility, tries to perform the task, and makes a mistake due to lack of practice. Then, partner B steps in and helps partner A. Partner A makes an attempt to learn from partner B.

The diaper duty: Weaponized Incompetence 

Partner A has changed diapers a few times before and is familiar with the task. Partner A doesn’t like the diaper duty, tries to avoid it, deliberately pretends to struggle and acts clueless. Partner B now has to step in and take over. Partner A successfully avoids the responsibility by masking incompetence.

Weaponized incompetence occurs when someone deliberately acts as though they are bad at a task. They hope that someone else will intervene and do it for them. This is a manipulative strategy. It is used to shirk responsibilities by pretending to be less capable than they actually are.

Weaponized incompetence: Why do people use it?

Understanding why someone might resort to weaponized incompetence is key to addressing the behavior. There are several reasons why this tactic is employed:

1. Responsibility Avoidance: Some people simply do not like to take on tasks they find unpleasant or difficult. By pretending to be incompetent, they shift the burden onto their partner.
2. Comfort with Traditional Roles: In societies like India, traditional gender roles are still popular. A few partners would possibly feel greater comfort adhering to these norms instead of challenging them. Weaponized incompetence permits them to hold those roles.
3. Fear of Failure: Some people genuinely fear they might not perform a task well. So, they claim incompetence to avoid the risk of failure.
4. Manipulation: In some cases, weaponized incompetence is a calculated strategy to control or dominate the relationship. By forcing the other partner to take on more responsibilities, the person using this tactic can exert subtle control over the relationship.

Weaponized Incompetence: How is it manifested in relationships?

Weaponized incompetence is a subtle but powerful tactic that can manifest in various types of relationships. It may seem harmless on the surface. But, weaponized incompetence can ruin trust and create disparity. It can lead to significant frustration and resentment over time.

In Romantic Relationships

In romantic relationships, weaponized incompetence often appears when one partner routinely avoids certain tasks or responsibilities. They pretend they are incapable of doing them. This can happen with household chores, financial management, or even parenting. For instance, imagine a couple wherein one partner often claims they have no experience in doing household chores. They might “neglect” these tasks without attempting them. They expect the other partner to take over. This unfairly shifts all the burden on to the other partner. Thus, weakening the idea of shared responsibility.

In Family Relationships

Within family dynamics, weaponized incompetence can occur among siblings, parents, or extended family members. For example, one sibling might avoid helping with caregiving duties for aging parents. They may claim they don’t know how to assist or aren’t comfortable doing so. This leaves the responsibility on another sibling. It creates an imbalance and possible tension in the family.

Read More: Psychology of Sibling Relationships: Understanding Their Impact

In Workplace Relationships

In professional settings, weaponized incompetence can be particularly damaging. It disrupts team dynamics and productivity. An employee might pretend to be less skilled or knowledgeable about a certain task. They want their colleagues or supervisors to take charge. Thus, avoiding any extra work or responsibility. It in turn can lead to burning out the other colleagues due to work overload.

Why is it important to recognise and address it?

Weaponized incompetence might seem like a harmless excuse on the surface. But, it actually is a plan used to dodge responsibilities, often at someone else’s expense. Recognizing this behavior is key because it’s not about someone genuinely struggling with a task—it’s about intentionally avoiding it. When left undiscussed, this can cause lack of fairness in relationships. It breeds resentment, and eventually harms the mental health of people involved. That is why it is important to address it openly and ensure that responsibilities are shared more equally.

Weaponized Incompetence: How to address it?

1. Step out from Traditional Roles

Challenging traditional gender roles is important to fight weaponized incompetence. Both companions should be willing to step out of their comfort zones. They should be ready to take on tasks that are not traditionally seen as their duty. For example in a romantic relationship, a husband might need to learn how to manage household chores. While a wife might need to step back and allow her husband to take on more everyday duties. It is important to remember that these changes take time and effort. But, they are crucial for building a more equitable relationship.

2. Open Communication 

Another step in addressing weaponized incompetence is to have an open communication expressing the difficulties in the relationship. It is crucial to explain and to set clear expectations for shared responsibilities. Addressing the situation with clear communication facilitates navigating a fair solution. For example in a family setup, instead of saying, “You never help with taking our parents to the medical checkup,” try saying, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to take our parents to the medical checkup everytime by myself. Can we figure out a way to share these tasks more equally?”

Read More: Let’s sort it out: Importance of Healthy communication in relationships

3. Boundary Setting 

Setting boundaries is crucial in preventing weaponized incompetence from becoming a pattern. If one partner continually claims incompetence in a certain area, it may be necessary to establish boundaries and expectations. For instance in a workplace relationship, if a coworker claims they don’t know how to do a task. Consider setting up a meeting to teach them the work. Practice for a few days with guidance if needed. This way, they can learn the skill over time and take on a fair share of the responsibility.

4. Professional Help Seeking 

In some cases, weaponized incompetence may be deeply ingrained. In such cases it is difficult to address it without outside help. Therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to explore these issues. A trained therapist can help understand the underlying dynamics at play. They work towards creating a more balanced and fulfilling strategy for a better working relationship.

Weaponized incompetence is a diffused but effective form of manipulation. It has a profound impact on relationships. However, it can be overcome by recognizing these behavioral patterns earlier and addressing it via open communication. Setting boundaries, and seeking expert assistance when needed, also helps build unbiased relationships.

Read More: 15 of the Best Couples Therapy Techniques to try

Ultimately, a successful relationship is constructed on mutual respect, trust and fairly shared responsibilities. By working together to combat weaponized incompetence, partners in any relationship can create a greater balance that allows overall well-being.

Also Read:

• The Benefits of Playing Dumb
• The Psychology of incompetence: an analysis of the Dunning-Kruger effect
• Navigating Life Together: Ways to Strengthen Relationships During Difficult Times
• Mastering Effective Communication: Building Trust and Strong Relationships