How Withholding Affection Can Ruin Your Relationship

Affection is the pulse of intimate relationships. It is the silent language that builds trust, deepens connection and keeps partners feeling loved. However, when one partner begins withholding affection—consciously or subconsciously—the dynamic can shift from warmth to chill, leaving one or both individuals feeling misunderstood, neglected, or even resentful. This silent act of withholding love is hardly discussed out in the open; however, it creates an emotional space that is hard to bridge. It explains why affection may be withheld, how it can impact the health of the relationship, and what can be done by couples to foster a culture of open affection and emotional security.

Read More: The Five Love Languages for Lasting Relationships

The Role of Affection in Relationships

Affection, expressed in various ways—especially through actions—plays a crucial role in building a sense of security in our relationships. As Reis and Shaver (1988) have shown, affection promotes emotional intimacy, a vital constituent of both romantic and family relationships. In such relationships as those in which people do not give their affection, emotional security suffers, leaving the individual feeling unwanted or abandoned.

Read More: 7 Myths about Healthy Relationships

Reasons for Withholding Affection

Affection can be withheld deliberately or unconsciously. A few reasons to withhold affection are as follows:

1. Emotional Baggage: Traumatic life experiences or any adverse occurrences in life make one withhold affection. A person subjected to a series of experiences relating to neglect or abandonment is afraid of vulnerability and does not show love (Simpson et al., 1992).
2. Power and Control: The withholding of affection may be a technique to exercise power or control over the partner, based on insecurity or self-esteem issues (Kipnis, 1976). This behaviour is more prevalent in dysfunctional or abusive relationships.
3. Fear of Rejection: For those people, the fear of rejection creates a barrier for them to express love. Not showing any affection reduces perceived risk since it limits the opportunity of getting hurt emotionally if the expressed affection is not reciprocated (Downey & Feldman, 1996).
4. Miscommunication and Misunderstanding: Sometimes, a person fails to understand what the other person wants or may not realise their part in affection. The miscommunication results in making assumptions by both partners as deprived of affection (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Effects of Affection Withholding

The outcome of affection withholding is very deep and diversified for an individual and a relationship.

• Emotional Distance and Loneliness: When there is no affection, it leads to emotional distance that is accompanied by loneliness and isolation (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Research evidence indicates that couples who exhibit affectionate behaviour tend to have a higher level of satisfaction in their relationship compared to those who avoid affection and display more relational distress (Floyd & Morman, 1998).
• Loss of Trust: Withholding affection may cause the loss of trust in relationships. One primary element of intimacy, trust, suffers when one partner perceives that another is making efforts to distance themselves emotionally (Holmes & Rempel, 1989).
• Negative Health Outcomes: Researchers have observed that physical affection relates to health benefits such as lower stress levels and improved health in cardiovascular, among others. Lack of affection is connected with high levels of stress; thus, emotional exhaustion contributes to the deterioration of mental and physical well-being among these two partners.
• Unresolved Conflicts and Resentment: Affection withholding leads to a cycle of unresolved conflicts and resentment. The relationship enters into toxicity, with the influence of one partner provoking the other in retaliation, thus diminishing the quality of the relationship (Gottman, 1993).

How to Cope with Affection Withholding

Effective communication and self-awareness can help prevent or solve affection withholding among the partners.

• Open Communication: The couple should work towards open honest communication, especially about emotional needs and fears. Guiding structured communication, for example, “I” statements, such as “I feel unloved when affection is withheld,” can guide the partners to express feelings without pointing fingers at each other (Rogers, 1951).
• Self-Reflection: Sometimes, people have to look at themselves and their beliefs regarding love. Identifying emotional blocks or unresolved issues helps to discover the reasons behind withholding love and provides an opportunity for personal growth and healing, according to Johnson (2004).
• Counselling: When the withholding of affection results from deeper psychosocial complications or trauma, therapy or counselling is needed. A mental health expert could assist a couple by working through severe underlying issues and teaching them how to communicate affection in a much more healthy manner (Johnson, 2004).
• Reinforcing Affectionate Behaviours: Couples can establish routines of affection expression, even in small ways, to build positive associations and reinforce emotional intimacy (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Affectionate expressions can become habits, thereby reducing the chance of intentional or unintentional withholding.

Conclusion

Holding onto feelings of non-attachment can have deeply isolating effects on relationships, not only creating emotional distance but also leading to mistrust; however, most importantly, once the underlying motive is understood, there are remedies through positive communication strategies that couples can use in an attempt to prevent and, if necessary, overcome the current affliction of affection-withholding.