At some point in every relationship, you might find yourself sitting across from your partner at the dinner table, feeling a strong need for some alone time. In the contemporary world, the context of Dating and its associated Culture plays a significant role in our lives. Having a partner who is mature, understanding, and committed to the well-being of the relationship is essential. However, in several relationships, this notion is moulded to mean, “together always and together forever”, which it’s not. In reality, it should be understood that even in the most committed relationships (be it between a married or unmarried couple), some amount of ME time is essential.
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In a relationship, both persons come from different backgrounds, past experiences, needs, expectations, likes and dislikes. Just as the relationship should have the trust and willingness to ‘grow together’, similarly it should have enough scope for individual growth for both persons. Relationships should be the supportive ground for the growth and development of a person.
“So, how do we navigate this and communicate effectively with our partners?” says Clinical Psychologist Madhurima Dey Sarkar. According to Her, Effective communication is essential, but first, we need to understand what drains a relationship and undermines communication. Let’s explore this through the acronym DRAIN:
D – Disconnection: Do you feel disconnected from your partner? Often, we may feel we don’t share the same interests or the initial connection, leading to a sense of disconnection.
R – Reactivity: Conversations can turn into impulsive reactions rather than thoughtful responses. When our partner doesn’t meet our expectations, we might say something hurtful, leading to a cycle of negative exchanges and misunderstandings.
A – Avoidance: How often do we avoid addressing issues because we fear they will cause more trouble? While avoiding major issues might bring short-term relief, it leads to long-term problems by stifling important communication.
I – Inside Your Mind: We tend to read into our partner’s thoughts, which can be harmful. For example, if your partner is quiet and doesn’t greet you after you come home, you might think they’re upset because you didn’t call. In reality, they might be preoccupied with something completely unrelated.
N – Neglecting Your Values: We often have a clear idea of the qualities and values we want in a partner, but are we mindful of our values? We can get so focused on our partner that we neglect the values we want to uphold ourselves.
Keep this acronym in mind to guide your interactions:
L – Letting go of the past and future
O – Opening up and making room for uncomfortable feelings
V – Value-oriented actions
E – Engaging mindfully in the present moment
The Importance of Personal Time in Relationships
Relationships are an integral part of our lives. They are essential as it gives us the comfort of feeling loved, support, and companionship. Whether it’s with a partner, family member, or friend, the connections we build enrich our experiences and contribute to our overall well-being. However, amidst the joy of closeness, it is crucial to remember the importance of personal time. Having time for oneself is a necessity for maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship.
Why Having Personal Time is Important in Relationships
According to Clinical Psychologist Deeksha Athwani, taking a break in a relationship can be beneficial as Engaging in personal interests and hobbies fosters individual growth and fulfilment. This time allows you to pursue passions that are uniquely yours, contributing to a sense of personal achievement and satisfaction. Additionally, self-reflection during alone time helps you understand your thoughts and emotions better, leading to personal insights and growth.
Maintaining Personal Identity: Personal time ensures you maintain your sense of self within the relationship. It’s important to remember that while you are part of a partnership, you are also a unique individual. Independence in a relationship reinforces the idea that you are complete on your own and not entirely dependent on your partner for happiness.
Mental and Emotional Well-being: Taking time for yourself can significantly improve your mental and emotional health. It serves as a stress relief, allowing you to unwind from daily pressures. Emotional recharge has another benefit; it helps you return to the relationship more present and engaged.
Healthy Boundaries: Establishing personal time sets healthy boundaries, promoting mutual respect and trust within the relationship. It helps prevent feelings of being overwhelmed or suffocated, reducing the risk of resentment. Clear boundaries create a balanced dynamic where both partners feel valued and respected.
Enhanced Relationship Quality: Quality time apart can lead to better communication when you are together. Sharing fresh perspectives and experiences can enrich your conversations and deepen your connection.
Understanding the importance of personal time and communicating your needs effectively can lead to a healthier, more balanced, and fulfilling relationship. Remember, taking care of yourself is a vital part of taking care of your relationship.
Asking for Space in Relationship
Asking for space in a relationship is never wrong, but the crux lies in doing it without offending, hurting or losing your partner. It is commonly seen in many relationships that people, under different circumstances, misinterpret their partner’s “I want some personal space” to mean:-
- “I’m pissed at you”
- “I don’t like you anymore”
- “I want to break up”
- “I love someone else”
One needs to be able to read their partner’s pulse accurately and communicate their perception of ‘wanting space’ so that it doesn’t cause any misunderstanding.
The primary way to ask your partner for space is to COMMUNICATE your true feelings, sincerely, patiently, and with warmth. Speaking up one’s mind without hurting your partner’s feelings could sound simple, but is filled with a lot of intricacies. It may trigger a lot of insecurities, that may lead the other partner to interpret things against the intent of the person’s need for some space.
As mentioned by By Kaida Hollister (Author), in How to Ask for Space in a Relationship: 5 Effective Ways, there are 5 effective ways of communicating one’s need for space to their partner:-
Be clear and kind :
It is necessary to ensure clarity in communicating your feelings to your partner so that they don’t mean it differently. Being kind will make your words softer, and will help your partner to be able to accept your needs with empathy, and not hard feelings. For example, “You know, there has been a lot on my mind lately, and I think I need some space to figure things out. I hope you understand.”
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Focus on the “I” :
Emphasizing the “I” factors adds a little more gravity to the person’s needs and wishes. It reflects how earnestly the person wants something and is essential in communicating the sincerity of their feelings. For example, “I wish to go out on a solo date this evening. Please don’t mind that.”, “I wish to take some time alone to think about a few things. Please don’t worry.”
Experts have found that using “I” statements can avoid misunderstandings by focusing conversations on solutions rather than blame. Think of a relationship as a team effort where both partners work together to solve problems. Turning against each other only leads to a losing game. Remember, maintaining the sanctity of the relationship is paramount.
Be specific about what you need:-
To avoid misunderstandings, it is important to be specific, like “I want to work on my hobbies”, “I wish to give more time to my professional knowledge base”, etc. On the contrary, saying things like, “I need time for myself”, or “I wish to be alone for some time” may lead your partner to misinterpret things, if not clarified properly.
Discuss the benefits for both:-
Both the partners must be all ears and discuss their perceptions and the possibility of having some ‘me time’. This might include their ability to socialize with their friends and family more, having more new things to talk about, and the like.
Recognize that your partner has emotions, vulnerabilities, and insecurities. Avoid threats and disrespectful words. Effective communication is rooted in empathy and respect. Show your partner that you understand their feelings and actions, and assure them that their emotions are natural, just like yours.
Reassurance of your partner:-
No matter how long your relationship has been, the significance of reassurance will never lessen. Assuring and reassuring your partner that you’re just taking some time to come back with a healthier mind and heart, being a better and more energetic version of yourself. Many people want an understanding, honest, and caring partner. Ask yourself if you embody those qualities, especially when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations. It’s important to uphold your values even when it’s challenging.
Bollywood has always been a great reflection of romantic exchanges and broken hearts in relationships. Dramatically speaking, for someone whose Spotify playlist is the mirror of their feelings, “I need some space” from their partner could be reciprocated with “Abhi na jao chod kar, ki dil abhi bhara nehi” or “sau dard hai, sau raaste”
Taking a break can be a good thing in a relationship.
It all depends on how you use that time apart. In 1997, the line “We were on a break” became famous almost overnight from the hit sitcom “Friends” and is still a popular meme today. This has led many to believe that relationship breaks either don’t work or are just a precursor to a permanent breakup. In reality, that doesn’t have to be the case.
According to Madhurima, Effective communication requires effort, patience, and understanding, but it ultimately strengthens the bond between partners. By incorporating these practices, you can foster a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship with your partner. Remember, a true act of love is acting from your value of love, even when you might not feel love in that moment. Reasons why having space in a relationship is important, It helps one to stay in touch with their own heart, soul and mind. Provides one with the scope to focus on their stuff, and subjective goals, and derive ways to attain the same. Reduces the negative influence of monotony and habituation on the relationship. Increases the sense of longing for one another. Facilitates personal growth. Expression of love finds different other and better ways to be expressed. Helps to understand the importance of your partner in your life. Brings in more elements of interest into the relationship (like things you have done, seen, or eaten while you were away)
In reality, that doesn’t have to be the case.
Sometimes, when you’re in the middle of a relationship crisis, pressing “pause” might be a good thing.
References +
- Hollister, K. (2024, July 11). How to ask for space in a relationship: 5 Effective Ways. Marriage Advice – Expert Marriage Tips & Advice. https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/how-to-ask-for-space-in-a-relationship/#How_to_ask_for_space_in_a_relationship_5_effective_ways
- Marie, S. (2022, April 15). Taking space in a relationship: How it can help and what to do. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-little-space-and-time-can-help-heal-a-relationship-crisis
