How to Read People Like a Book? 

Have you ever found yourself confused about others’ intentions? Why do some people can understand others better? How are people from professions like psychologists better at noting incongruency in speech? Do you think they have some special ability for that? Actually, not. It’s simply the art of understanding non-verbal communication. 

Communications Beyond Words 

People can manipulate their speech content but it is difficult to do the same in other channels of communication. So, it is important to understand non-verbal communication, that is, communicating through non-linguistic means. This includes facial expressions, gestures, body postures, eye movement, paralinguistics (volume, pitch, rate, and inflection of speech), proxemics (use of space), chronemics (use of time), etc. 

Non-verbal communication can be used in addition to or independent of speech. It helps to reveal the truth and provides immediate feedback. According to Albert Mehrabian, the total impact of a message is a combination of verbal content (7%), paralanguage (35%), and body language (58%). Even though he modified it later, the importance of verbal content is less important than others.

Proxemics – The Invisible Bubble Around You 

The term, coined by Edward T Hall, indicates the judgments of the behavior of other persons through their degree of proximity. Do you always keep the same distance from everyone during conversations? People always act like walking within an invisible bubble. If someone encroaches on this bubble, then they get disturbed and try to reestablish their space by adjusting it (eg. moving backward when someone approaches too closely).

There are four types of spaces people keep as per proxemics: 

1. Intimate: From body contact to 18 inches, a distance for comforting or whispering. You often use this space in your close circles like family, close friends, or relatives.
2. Personal: From 18 inches to 4 feet, a distance that enables personal to casual conversations amongst friends and family. 
3. Social: From 4 to 12 feet, a distance reserved for formal social or business transactions.
4. Public: More than 12 feet, a suitable distance for public lectures or performances.  

Now, you may be wondering why people keep such spaces. A 2009 study suggested that these invisible bubbles are based on the amygdala, a brain structure that controls aggression, fear, and social interaction. Moreover, people with amygdala damage lose their understanding of personal space. You must understand these spaces not only to reflect your own spaces but also to avoid encroaching into others’ spaces. Also, keep in mind that cultural differences can influence these spaces and there may be variations in some cultures for these.

Oculesics – What Eyes Speak? 

You often hear “Eyes are windows to our souls”. Oculesics is the study of communication using the eyes. Maintaining eye contact is often considered a sign of confidence and trustworthiness. Raised eyebrows show one’s interest whereas narrow eyes indicate suspicion. Darting eyes indicate nervousness.  

If a person talking to you with a dilated pupil, then they may be interested in that conversation. In contrast, a constricted pupil indicates boredom, anger, or negative moods. Frequent blinking and avoidance of eye contact are also signs of deception. These can also be associated with discomfort.

You must also be aware of cultural differences. Eye contact is related to confidence in Western countries. In Japan, looking at the eyes during conversations is considered disrespectful, and people prefer to look at the speaker’s neck. 

Haptics – The Meaning of Touch 

You may often use or receive touches in communication such as handshakes, holding hands, high-five, shoulder pats, etc. Touches can either cause positive feelings or negative feelings. A firm handshake shows confidence but it must be brief. The over-strong handshake reveals the aggressiveness or dominance of the giver whereas the weak handshake portrays less confidence. A small pat on the shoulder gives you comfort. 

Do you think handshakes can reveal one’s dominance? Next time when someone gives you a handshake look at the position of their hands. A vertical position handshake indicates equality. If it’s a horizontal handshake, then the hand on top represents dominance, and the bottom represents submissiveness. Someone holding your hand inside both their hands depicts sincerity, honesty, and a deep feeling for the receiver. 

Kinesics – Body movements as Means of Communication 

Do you know humans produce 7 lakh different physical signs? These include facial expressions, and movements of eyes, head, hand, arms, feet, and legs. Your gestures postures and gait are also part of it. Paul Ekman and Wallace V Friesen categorize kinesics into five: 

• Emblems: You have seen that some gestures are independent of speech. People use this with conscious awareness. For example, the ‘V’ for victory, signals by a traffic policeman, or sign language. 
• Illustrators: Some gestures are messages about messages. They are used along with speech. These are subconscious movements, like pointing to something we are talking about, or pounding a fist on the podium to ensure attention. 
• Affective Display: Movements, usually facial gestures that display specific emotions. These are often faked emotional states, but sometimes real. For example, one of your acquaintances shows happiness to see you even though you are not that close. People often use these as part of socializing.
• Regulators: Body movements that control, regulate, and sustain the flow of conversations and also act as feedback to the speaker. Head nods and eye movements from your listener give you feedback about whether they understand what you’re saying. 
• Adaptors: These are unconscious signs that tell you more about others. Suppose, a person’s shifting position when seated indicates their discomfort and adjustment of that physical situation. Paul Ekman suggests the restless movements of hands and feet are signs of flight reactions. Facial expression is another important sign you need to focus on. These include macro and micro-expressions. 
• Macro expressions: normal, regular expressions match the content and voice modulations. You can easily understand these expressions such as happy or angry faces.
• Micro expressions: These display concealed emotion, and depict repression or oppression of feelings. Such expressions are brief and reveal the emotions people don’t want to display. Typically lasts less than half a second. For example, a quick tightening of lips may suggest anger even if they act fine. 

Paralanguage – Beyond Verbal Content Of Speech 

How someone says something is more important than what they say. Slow, low-pitched speech may reveal sadness whereas high-pitched shows enthusiasm. You know that monotonous speech reveals boredom. An ascending tone is associated with astonishment. You can focus on the tone, stress, and speed of speech and their associated intentions. For instance, an increased volume may show anger whereas a measured volume indicates better empathy.

Reading People in Daily Life: Points to Remember 

Observe the non-verbal cues explained above to understand people better. These can also help you to improve. However, you also need to keep in mind the following before judging someone. 

Focus on More Than One Non-verbal Cue 

Make sure that you don’t focus on one non-verbal cue alone. You need to observe different non-verbal cues along with speech to realize their consistency. Inconsistent messages are always suspicious and need more observation.

Understand the Baseline 

Before judging someone solely based on non-verbal cues, understand their normal regular way of behavior. The way they speak, their body language, and their words. Then look for inconsistency in that baseline. This will help you differentiate genuine behavior from concealed ones. 

Be Aware About Cultural Variations

The verbal and non-verbal language of people vary across cultures. One cue which is appropriate in one culture may be inappropriate in another culture. So you must first understand the cultural patterns of the person you observe before making judgements. 

Pay Attention to the Context 

You have to be aware of the context in which a person behaves in a particular way. Suppose, a crowded environment may be overwhelming for some persons and their inconsistent behavior may simply be a result of that. A person who prefers a closed posture may be a protection from cold rather than defensiveness. 

Prefer Open-ended Questions 

The best way to understand what a person really means is by letting them say themselves. Instead of asking questions like “Are you okay?” you can ask “How do you feel now?”. Let them talk more. Try to listen not only to the content but also to other channels of communication. Make sure that you don’t make the person intimidated. 

Read More: The Psychology of Body Language

Book Recommendations

1. Nonverbal Communication by Albert Mehrabian: This is a groundbreaking contribution to the area of nonverbal communication. It will be particularly valuable for Psychology professionals and graduate students.
2. Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage by Paul Ekman- This book gives insights into his latest research on lying and methods to uncover it. It discusses different types of lies and their variations from other misinformation. He shares the importance of body language, voice, facial expressions, and microexpressions. How can liars fool professionals like judges, police officers, or drug enforcement agents? Find the answers by reading.
3. Nonverbal Messages: Cracking the Code by Paul Ekman- Paul Ekman discusses the vocabulary of gestures in this. He reveals his key insights about human emotion, deception, and communication.
4. Emotions Revealed: Understanding Faces and Feelings by Paul Ekman- By reading this book, you will be able to observe the underlying, concealed emotions of those around you and understand why our bodies react the way they do.
5. Introduction to Kinesics: An Annotation System for Analysis of Body Emotion and Gesture by Ray Birdwhistell It’s an introductory book to the world of kinesics. Ray Bidwhistell is the pioneer of Kinesics. So beginning by reading his book will open a broad area for you.

Conclusion 

Now you understand that reading people is not a magical power. You just need to improve your observation skills. Be empathetic and mindful while talking with others. That will help you understand them better. Don’t be always suspicious. Your prejudice will always lead you to negative interpretations even if they are not true. Listen more, and be aware of the context. Don’t judge others based on limited information. Here, you only get a basic understanding. Try to learn more by reading reliable sources or by attending courses by professionals. Take this as a beginning and open new ways of learning to improve your skills. 

FAQs 

1. Is reading people an innate ability? 

No. Some people are naturally good at it. Reading people is more a skill that can be learned and developed through practice, observation, and knowledge building. 

2. Does Avoiding eye contact a sign of Lying? 

No. It can be regarded as a sign of lying but you can’t solely rely on that. You need to understand the baseline behavior of the person. Suppose, the person may be generally anxious and avoiding eye contact is because of that. Cultural variations also influence the way people make eye contact. For example, in Japan, looking at others eyes while talking is considered disrespect. 

3. How to avoid misinterpreting someone’s behavior?

Pay attention to the context and environment. Focus on more than one cue and interpret by considering all cues. If you are unsure ask more open-ended questions. 

4. Can inroverts and extroverts be read differently? 

Yes, extroverts make use of bady language more than introverts. So you can understand more about extroverts quickly than introverts. The reserved attitude make it difficult to understand introverts initially. So it’s essential to understand the baseline behavior and context. 

5. How can I read someone’s emotions in a virtual or online setting? 

In virtual setting, you can focus on tone of voice. Response times and word choice in text is an indicator. You can observe facial expressions and gestures in video calls. Also, look for signs of engagement like timely replying which are consistent. 

6. Why do people try to hide their true emotions, and can they always be uncovered?

People may hide emotions due to fear, embarrassment, or societal norms. While some cues may reveal true feelings (like microexpressions), skilled individuals can mask their emotions effectively. Context and trust building are essential for better understanding. 

7. Can biases affect one’s ability to read people? 

Yes, biases like stereotyping, the halo effect, or confirmation bias can influence judgment. To minimize bias, be objective, focus on observable behaviors, and avoid making assumptions. 

8. Is it ethical to use these techniques? 

Yes, with respecting boundaries and fostering understanding. Moreover, reading people should be used to build empathy and improve communication, not manipulate or exploit others. 

9. What are the common mistakes people make when trying to read others?

• Overanalyzing single cues. 
• Interpreting without sufficient information. 
• Ignoring cultural and individual differences. 
• Influence of personal biases on interpretation.