Communication, in general, is an extremely important element in any relationship. It allows individuals to share their needs, feelings, and thoughts, developing understanding and connection in a relationship. Resenting and avoiding communication may lead to stonewalling, which in turn causes trust issues and emotional distance among partners. Therefore, to maintain a healthy relationship, it is important to understand what stonewalling is, along with its effects and ways to protect oneself from it.
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What is Stonewalling?
By definition, stonewalling is an act of refusing communication and cooperation by avoiding their partners. The person stonewalling their partner maintains distance from them to avoid confrontation and often uses silent treatment as a coping mechanism, which eventually harms and frustrates the stonewalled. As a tool to restore one’s calm and overwhelming emotions, stonewalling may be the best option to opt for but can be destructive if done regularly.
It often involves avoiding eye contact, walking away, staring at the phone, avoiding questions, or staying tight-lipped during disagreements. Usually, stonewalling is resorted to to avoid escalation of conflicts but is a red flag when its behaviour turns chronic.
Consider Sarah and Mark, for instance, who are engaged in a heated debate around money. Sarah wants to discuss creating a budget since she is irritated by Mark’s excessive spending. But Mark stops answering because he feels overpowered and defensive. He stays silent, avoids eye contact, and crosses his arms rather than participating in the conversation.
Mark merely looks at Sarah or gives her an agnostic sigh when she keeps asking questions. He is stonewalling by being silent. Sarah gets more agitated and tries to voice her worries and annoyances, but Mark ignores her and makes her feel abandoned. This stonewalling behaviour eventually turns into a persistent problem. Mark begins to seem emotionally distant to Sarah, which causes a rift in their relationship.
People adopt stonewalling as a defence mechanism to hide their powerlessness and low self-worth in resolving issues. It happens when they feel overwhelmed, attacked, or insecure in expressing their emotions. When someone purposefully relies on stonewalling to influence or manipulate others, it can be considered abusive. It can be a strategy to place the blame for relationship issues on the other person while avoiding accepting any accountability.
When stonewalling is done purposefully to cause another to doubt reality, it can be considered a type of gaslighting. Making others doubt themselves and their experiences is known as gaslighting. Ignorance can make you feel worthless and helpless. You may place the blame on yourself or even question how you see the scenario. Those who are being stonewalled may feel weak or incapable of leaving a toxic relationship as a result of this self-doubt.
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Impact of Stonewalling on Relationships
The effects of stonewalling can be heartbreaking. It is normal for the stonewalled partner to feel rejected, ignored, and frustrated. Lack of recognition can demean the self-esteem and question the worth of the person on the receiving end. This can further lead to trust issues and emotional disconnection, damaging the relationship.
A study highlights that stonewalling is a predictor of divorce. When ignored repeatedly, unresolved issues pile up, leading to resentment and emotional distance between partners. The unwillingness of one to resolve problems that are central to the relationship can lead to a physiological impact on both parties.
Stonewalling not only affects relationships but can also harm the mental health of both parties. The person being stonewalled may experience anxiety and self-doubt, while the one who stonewalls may feel guilt, stress, or isolation from unresolved emotions.
A 2016 study, which followed 156 couples over 15 years, concluded that stonewalling was associated with acute musculoskeletal symptoms such as backaches, neck stiffness, and generalized muscle aches. Contrarily, the stonewalled partner is more likely to experience medical issues such as increased blood pressure, tension headaches, and rapid heart rate.
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Signs of Stonewalling
Stonewalling can be obvious or subtle depending upon the depth of the situation. While stonewalling can be distressing, you shouldn’t necessarily assume that it is inherently ill-intended. Recognizing stonewalling early is essential. Here are some common signs:
- Disagreements always lead to emotional detachment.
- During arguments, a partner cuts oneself off or refrains from eye contact.
- Meaningful conversation is replaced by statements like “I don’t want to talk about this” or total silence.
- The partner who is stonewalling either switches the topic or declines to discuss the problem.
By recognizing these behaviours, both partners can recognize the issue and take action to resolve it.
Why Do People Stonewall?
The reasons behind people stonewalling can vary. Some individuals stonewall when they feel overwhelmed or unable to process their emotions. Stonewalling is often used as an excuse to avoid confrontation and escape uncomfortable situations. It can be unintentional, wherein stonewalling is a learned response that partners use to cope with difficult or emotional issues, and intentional, wherein the partner is using stonewalling to manipulate and control the situation, resulting in a toxic relationship.
Asking for space or setting boundaries is not stonewalling since communication is involved and the partner is taking time with a full intention of coming back. Stonewalling can sometimes be seen as a learned behaviour, meaning that people who grow up in environments where emotions are not expressed freely and openly may struggle with communication. To find effective solutions, it is important to understand the root cause of the stonewalling.
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How to Protect Yourself from Stonewalling
After identifying the problem of stonewalling, it becomes crucial for the one at the receiving end to address the issue proactively while protecting their well-being.
1. Acknowledge your feelings
The first step is to identify how stonewalling affects you. Comprehend your emotions without blaming yourself and doubting your self-worth. For instance, you can say, “I feel hurt when you ignore me and walk out of our conversations.” Telling the other person calmly how you feel can encourage the other person to open up.
2. Communicate Constructively
Choice of words should be done cautiously while dealing with stonewalling. The individual should avoid using “I” statements to express their concerns. For instance, instead of saying, “You always avoid me, try, “I feel distant when we don’t discuss important issues.” Using a non-confrontational tone can prevent resistance and encourage conversation.
3. Set Boundaries
Drawing a line and setting clear boundaries is necessary for harmonious interaction. Asking for space and setting boundaries is not stonewalling; let your partner know that you need space to process your thoughts and talk about them later.
4. Encourage breaks
Taking temporary breaks during a heated argument followed by a commitment to resume the discussion is very important; otherwise, the blame game might escalate the issue. It ensures considerate conversation.
5. Practice Empathy
Understanding the reasons behind your partner’s behaviour is crucial. When your partner feels overwhelmed, offer them reassurance and a safe space to express their feelings. Along with this, accept feedback and acknowledge wrongdoings.
6. Seek Professional Help
Consider consulting a therapist or counsellor if stonewalling becomes relentless. Professional guidance can help both partners develop healthier communication patterns and address underlying issues.
Tips to Avoid Stonewalling
Steps to overcome stonewalling:
- Recognize what situation triggers you and shuts you down since awareness is the first step towards change.
- Seek calming techniques such as breathing exercises, meditation, and journaling to manage mental fatigue.
- Isolation is not a solution to resolving conflicts; therefore, communicate your needs to avert provocation. For instance, say, “I need some space and time, but I want to resolve this with you.”
- Making commitments to address and resolve relationship issues rather than bypassing them. Deal as a couple and start from less intense topics and then move on to the tougher conversations.
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Conclusion
Stonewalling is a challenge to relationships that can compromise their roots. As it often initiates from emotional overwhelm or ignorance, its long-term effects can be destructive to both partners. Noticing the signs of stonewalling and taking proactive steps to address them are crucial for fostering healthy communication and emotional connection.
By setting boundaries, practising empathy, and seeking professional support, when necessary, you can protect yourself and create a space where open and honest communication thrives. Remember, every relationship faces challenges, but with effort and understanding, these obstacles can be overcome. Healthy communication is not just about resolving conflicts—it’s about building trust, connection, and mutual respect. Don’t let stonewalling silence your voice or your emotions. Take charge of your well-being and nurture relationships that bring out the best in you.
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