How Childhood Praise Affects Adult Confidence 

Childhood is a delicate time of our lives. A child’s mind is like clay which is shaped by every interaction it faces and every word leaves an impression on a child. Both criticism and praise shape a child’s mind in different ways. The way a child is praised and for what reasons a child is praised can affect how they perceive themselves as an adult. Hence, the type and frequency of praise received during childhood matter a lot in shaping a human’s psyche. 

The Psychology of Praise 

Praise is a form of positive reinforcement. 

A child learns what actions are desirable and what is undesirable through praise and punishment. Thus when a child is complimented it can alter how they view themselves and their roles in society. Praises can be differentiated into two main types according to developmental psychologists. 

1. Person-based praise: These focus on the innate traits of a person. For eg, praising someone for being smart or beautiful. 
2. Process-based praise: These are more emphasised on efforts and persistence. For example, praising someone for doing hard work. 

Studies suggest that these two different types can affect a child in extremely different ways. 

Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset:

The findings of psychologist Carol Dweck, who developed the concepts of “Growth Mindset and Fixed Mindset”, show that children praised for inherent qualities develop a fixed mindset and believe their abilities are unchangeable. As a result, they might avoid risks and challenges, fearing that making mistakes might threaten their identity, as they were praised for always being perfect. On the other hand, process-based praises help in developing a growth mindset as these children have received praise for hard work, hence they develop a more persevering and motivated personality.  

When Praising Backfires 

As much as praise is aimed at elevating someone’s spirits, it sometimes causes more harm than good, especially in cases where the praise is excessive, fake, or completely detached from how someone actually behaves. 

Overpraising and Conditional Praise: Two Sides of the Same Coin

Overpraise—such as constant messages of being awesome, perfect, or better than others—can create unrealistic self-expectations. When these adults mature, they might feel: 

• Anxious about failure or criticism. 
• They need to constantly validate themselves. 
• Dissatisfied in competitive or ambiguous situations. 

Conversely, conditional praise – praise only when a child performs up to certain standards – can communicate that love and acceptance are contingent on performance. Individuals who have faced this dynamic may struggle with impostor syndrome and underachievers in times of difficulties they have not faced before.  

Vague praise can also be harmful to a child. Statements like “Good job” or “You’re the best,” may feel emotionally supportive but lacks the reason behind that praise. Children need to know what they did well to get this positive re-affirmation. Otherwise, they may develop confusion about their abilities or rely too heavily on external feedback for validation.

Read More: Psychology behind External Validation

Praise, Identity, and the Inner Voice 

By the time we become adults, the approval or disapproval we received or failed to receive as children is implanted in our internal voice. It speaks to us about our everyday lives, especially during times of stress, doubt, or uncertainty. A child reared with considerate, supportive encouragement may converse with himself gently about difficulties: “This is hard, but I’ve survived hard things before.” 

By contrast, an individual who was praised little or only for results can have a more negative self-talk: “If I fail, I’m nothing,” or “I’m worth something only when I succeed.” That inner voice motivates everything from our career decisions and romance to how we approach striving towards objectives, handling compliments, or dealing with failure. 

Breaking the Cycle: Relearning Praise as Adults 

The better news is that our internal scripts, even the ones from childhood, are not set in stone. Adults can train themselves to change their internal dialogue, switching from performance or perfectionistic statements to kinder and more realistic ones. Therapy techniques, journaling, and self-compassionate self-talk are methods commonly employed to assist adults: 

• Identify the source of their inner critic. 
• Reclaim the value of effort, learning, and kindness toward themselves. 
• Make themselves the sort of encouragement that they might have never received as children. 

To parents, educators, or anybody who is in a caregiving position, reminding ourselves how we praise can do a lot. Is the praise precise? Is it effort-based, learning-based, or value-based? Does it foster inquiry over comparison? 

Conclusion 

Praise is a potent tool. When used with thought, it can nourish the roots of self-esteem, building people who are convinced of their worth independent of accomplishment and outside verification. Yet, when used poorly, it can build an eggshell confidence that shatters under pressure. 

FAQs

1. Why does the type of praise matter so much in childhood? 

Because praise acts as a guidepost for how children evaluate themselves. Person-based praise shapes a belief in fixed traits, while process-based praise encourages learning, resilience, and adaptability—skills that matter more in adulthood. 

2. What is the difference between person-based and process-based praise? 

• Person-based praise focuses on who the child is (e.g., “You’re so smart!”). 
• Process-based praise focuses on what the child does (e.g., “You worked hard on that!”). The latter promotes a growth mindset and long-term confidence. 

3. Can overpraise be harmful? 

Yes. Excessive or vague praise can create unrealistic expectations and fragile self-worth. It can lead to anxiety, fear of failure, or a need for constant validation in adulthood. 

4. What’s wrong with saying things like “Good job” or “You’re the best”? 

These phrases, while well-meaning, can be too vague. Children benefit more from specific praise that tells them what they did well—this helps them internalize their strengths and replicate those behaviors. 

5. What is conditional praise, and why is it risky?

Conditional praise is when approval is given only after certain standards are met. This can make children feel their worth is tied to success, leading to impostor syndrome or avoidance of challenges later in life. 

6. How does childhood praise affect our inner voice as adults? 

The way we were praised—or not praised—becomes internalised as self-talk. It can influence how we handle stress, setbacks, or criticism. Supportive early praise builds self-compassion; conditional or absent praise may lead to harsh inner criticism. 

7. Can adults unlearn harmful praise patterns from childhood? 

Absolutely. Through therapy, self-awareness, journaling, and compassionate self-talk, adults can reframe their inner dialogue and build healthier self-esteem based on effort, growth, and authenticity.