Children who feel safe and loved are naturally curious and engage in exploration, play, and growth. Meanwhile those who face physical, mental, or emotional abuse spend their energies toward mere survival. For these children, healing becomes a crucial step in their development.
What is a Mother Wound?
Mother wound refers to unresolved emotional trauma experienced by a child due to emotional neglect or inconsistent emotional support from their mother. This can manifest at times like when the mother meets the child’s physical needs (such as feeding when hungry) but is unavailable in providing emotional support during times of need or distress. The term isn’t a clinical diagnosis but describes a significant emotional impact on mental health.
Read More: Breaking the Silence: Exploring the Impact of Childhood Trauma
In simple terms, lack of mothering can form “mother wound” in a child. This early emotional gap might have an aftereffect and can impact how a person behaves & forms relationships in adulthood. For example, it might lead to codependency in relationships. These effects stem from the missing elements of the past and it’ll also shape how one will parent in the future.
Mother wound can arise from two distinct types of mothers. One type of mother wound comes from a mother struggling with substance abuse or abusive behavior, which can leave deep emotional scars. The other type involves a mother who, despite meeting the child’s physical needs and offering some interaction, may not provide the deep emotional connection or attention that the child requires. Both scenarios can contribute to serious emotional issues as the child grows up. “One cannot escape their past; it remains woven into the present, manifesting as obstacles and challenges.”
Indicators of Mother Wound
Some of the indicators might include,
- Deep sense of guilt for wanting more than you have.
- Constantly feeling like you’re not good enough.
- High tolerance for poor treatment from others.
- Self-Sabotaging thoughts and behaviours.
- Believing you need to be small to be loved.
- People-pleasing behaviors.
- Hesitation to fully realize your potential until you receive external approval.
Read More: Mom Guilt and Strategies to Overcome It
Healing your Mother Wound
You are responsible for healing your mother wound. We often have sensed our mother’s pain to some degree and might unconsciously believe that we are at fault for it. This unconscious belief manifests and creates a deep emotional scar, making healing challenging later on. As a result, we tend to limit and sabotage ourselves. At first, for healing, you must separate yourself from your mother. It’s obvious she’s a part of you and your make-up but however she’s not you. You have your own identity to recognize and embrace.
Here are some ways that might help in healing,
Embrace your emotions
Allow yourself to fully experience and express your emotions. Permit yourself to grieve the absence of an emotionally detached mother and to feel any rage, resentment, or other emotions you may have. This emotional release is vital for healing. Engage in activities like journaling, painting, or dancing to channel your feelings productively. Everyone copes in their own way, so find what works best for you. It’s normal to have mixed feelings, i.e. wanting your mother’s care and affection while also resenting her for causing you pain. Acknowledge and accept all these emotions.
Parent yourself
Remind yourself that it’s not your fault. The guilt and shame you feel are not a reflection of who you are but are imposed upon you by others. You deserve love, care, and affection. Prioritize giving yourself the attention you may not have received. Engage in self-care activities such as walking, exercising, and maintaining a healthy diet. You understand your needs best, and no one can care for you better than you can.
Set boundaries
If your mother is present in your life, start by setting clear boundaries to empower yourself. Learn to say no in situations where you previously said yes and later regretted it. Remember that every experience in life offers a lesson. Reflect on these lessons, learn from them, and use them as a guide to move forward.
Read More: Spotting Manipulation: How to Protect Yourself and Set Boundaries
Allow yourself the love you deserve
Don’t feel small or unworthy. Assess your friendships and relationships, and recognize the people who genuinely care for you. Appreciate and cherish their presence. Filter the good ones who are truly happy for your well-being and secure them for life.
Inner child healing
Inner child exercises, like showing self-compassion, doing the butterfly hug, or writing a letter to your younger self, can help heal old childhood wounds. These activities help you connect with and support your inner child, allowing you to address and understand past pain and promote emotional healing.
If you find it challenging to navigate your emotions, seeking professional help can be beneficial. A therapist can guide you through your feelings and provide support tailored to your needs. Finally, Healing is an ongoing journey without a specific endpoint, so it’s important to be patient and not
rush the process. Take your time. It is essential for overcoming self-criticism, reducing depression, and building healthier relationships in the future. Focus on forgiveness and releasing past negativity to support your overall emotional well-being.
References +
- Balan, L. (2023, November 9). Mending the mother wound. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/un-umb/202311/mending-the-mother-wound
- Gaba, L. (2019, October 25). The mother wound. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201910/the-mother-wound
- Mari. (2020, August 21). Healing the mother wound – 10 Steps to healing from emotional absence. Counselling Psychologist | Online | Individual Therapy. https://www.drmarikovanen.co.uk/healing-mother-wound-healing-emotional-absence/
- Psychology, H. M. (2022, May 4). Understanding and healing the ‘mother wound.’ Happy Minds Psychology. https://happyminds.net.au/parenting/mother-wound/
- Webster, B. (2022, January 18). Mother Wound Healing: Why it’s crucial for women – Bethany Webster. Bethany Webster. https://www.bethanywebster.com/blog/mother-wound-healing/
