Perfect Relationship - is a Myth
“Relationship counseling” is such a trending topic these days. It suggests that people are getting aware or may be more sensitive about their mental health in the relationship; they seek advice from professionals to save the relationship or would try anything to make sure it works. But are they neglecting the other side of the story? Aren’t people today getting more intolerant, unsatisfied, and greedy of each other? Or it’s just that in today’s digital world we are just one click away from everything we are getting more vulnerable to heartbreaks? Are we interfering with the flow and beauty of the nature of relationship? The exposure to the entire world filled with all sort of energies and information where everything and everyone is available at our fingertips why do we fall always for A Glass Unicorn only? You know why! The reason is that it looks so good & attractive like a fairy-tale and creates a sense of immediate belongingness to it, an utter desire to achieve it which arises when we follow it but… Alas!! It was not real, later we start realizing this fact and the problem arises.
In very earlier stages, from seeing her/him in the supermarket or on a friend’s birthday party, sending a request on their social media accounts to begin to see each other regularly. You ignore everything that can be a possible threat to the relationship: the late replies, forgetting about details, confiding your personal space, social life etc. Yes, it happens and you are completely love-blind by that time. Till now, you are justifying their mistakes. Everything is so perfect like a fairy-tale and very soon after that you realize that Fairy Tales aren’t Real and Perfection Is a Myth. These problems even intensify when you get married or start living with that person because one simply can’t ignore the stuff they hate 24/7. Now, this leads to emotional outbursts, ego clashes, trust issues, blame game and other such unhealthy practices in a relationship that was once a glass mannequin.
Now, once things get started from both the ends people misunderstand about unconditional love to only giving and expecting nothing in return. Come on people, we are humans and we don’t do things without expectations. Even the most altruistic person would want to satisfy their need for belongingness or may share an emotional bond. Also, loving someone unconditionally we want our emotional needs to be satisfied and emotional bonds to get stronger while keeping in mind our human instincts in mind we are longing for emotional/physical needs and need of belongingness (with reference of social psychologist’s Daniel Batson Theory of Altruism and Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Theory)
As far as love is concerned, Yes! It’s an essential component but is it enough? NO!! That’s not true. So what else? Before making any decision; consider these pre-requisites of any relationship as it’s the matter of your life.
- Priority: You must be each other's priority rather than an option, rehabilitation or escape from their exhausting schedule. You must be the priority number one this is well said but when you fall for someone you equally think about their comforts and for that you need to earn. So the Mr/Ms right is the one who cannot choose any one between career and you. So expect this if you feel like been treated as an option, step back you’re inviting troubles for you.
- Respect & Trust: You must respect each other’s individuality, privacy, personal space, education and profession, career and other choices, etc. because no one would like a partner who mocks at them.
- Equality: Equal and fair responsibility and opportunity irrespective of your gender, age religion, background, economic status, etc. is another major prerequisite of a relationship.
- Healthy communication and similar sense of humour: The ones who share a good intellectual bond healthy flow of ideas and common topics to talk about because becoming friends with the person you are dating is an extra point to score because that’s when you are completely assured that him/her being non-judgemental of your reality, you can be yourself with them.
- Physical attraction and intimacy: These are the basics of relationships. Intimacy fuels up the relationship so putting your guards down would help you develop but understanding each other’s needs or moods is important at the same time.
- Personal space: No matter how much you love your partner and they love you back there is something called personal space that everyone needs. You must be understanding enough to make sure that your partner doesn’t feel grounded or suffocated with you.
- Alone Time with him/her: Together activities, physical exercises, daily shores, movies, video game, romantic date (at home, park visits, ice cream dates) etc is important for every relationship.
So, next time when your partner comes home after a tiring day, give a hug and ask him/her about ‘how was their day?’ And listen to them before interrupting because sometimes these things matter more than saying “I love you”.
Also, it’s quite often when people say to a counsellor that- their partner has changed, wasn’t like this earlier, and is a whole new person now.
That’s because of a few possible reasons like: they don’t explore their partner properly, maybe the other person had different intentions or they both had different expectations from each other. Also, there are chances that they ignored those mistakes earlier and this ensured them that you are okay with that and they make it their habit. Again!! Habits aren’t that easy to change. Maybe that person has no clue about what’s wrong with you as they have been like this forever. So there, the trick is:
Exploring- interests, likes/dislikes, day to day life before committing anything and good communication with the mutual flow of ideas is the key. Because, books over movies, a genre they prefer to watch/read/listen, their favourite shows, games, food and sleeping habits, the timing between each text reply or pauses while talking, duration of being online because these things tell a lot about them.
Gather clues, connect dots- like, and try to notice how they respect or behave to others in your presence or absence as this all is about your future people.
- Exploring the desired person.
- Building a strong emotional, physical, mental and intellectual bond.
- Understanding Individual differences between each other.
- Trusting the process
After all the discussion, the question arises that why a professional is required if it’s all about what to love and what not to? Once you ask someone or seek internet for advice about healthy and unhealthy relationships you get bombarded with too much to listen or to read. Trust me! There is no manual which can be strictly followed to assure you a 100% reliable relationship.
“It is a mutual bond, a package of all the emotions shared together in all the highs and lows of the life. Its a never-ending process not a task that you accomplish in day but it take years to earn that respect, that caress, that trust.”
So many times it is witnessed that itsy- bitsy arguments are amplified unnecessarily because of ego- clashes, tone of your voice, ‘why only me’ attitude, mis-communication, projecting your own frustrations on your partner who doesn’t even did nothing wrong breaks years long relationships. Just avoiding such issues and understanding the fact that no one in this world is perfect that’s why we make mistakes. So one should always keep a big heart to apologize and also to forgive. You might have seen someone crying and left broken around you or even have faced it yourself. Why does it happens? That is because it becomes hard for the people to even look at the person today who was once the ‘Apple of their Eyes’? The person who ruled your heart is now an unwanted burden on your heart and an emotional drawback? There the is a need of a counselor arises, an expert who can rationally think and analyze both the ends because the difficulties start when people.
- Can’t express themselves properly.
- Fail to say NO for any unwanted and unacceptable demand of their partners.
- Fail to understand the partner’s opinion and true self.
- Mental barriers like (it’s only me who adjusts, it’s not my responsibility, I won’t apologize, she/he is the one who is wrong every-time, etc.)
- Lives in TV or movie romance philosophy of chasing till the end and exploiting themselves in order to achieve partner’s approval.
Just because we are afraid, we are insecure and underestimate ourselves that we won’t get a better person than this and label it love; we stay into toxic unhealthy relationships that drain our mental physical and emotional energies out of us. Just because we have invested our emotions, time and other resources we chose to try and try and try again ending up devastated by wasting more time and emotions on a non-worthy incompatible person. In this virtual world where love is constantly related to physical verbal and mental abuse by portraying couples who break up, makeup and break up as being passionate. Start believing the fact that you can’t beg someone for loving you just because you loved them too. Stop assuming and ask yourself that if it is worth to sacrifice your entire life and especially, your peace of mind, your mental health. Because Your Mental Health Matters!!
You can’t beg someone to love you or to stay just because you loved them too. This is a feeling; this is an emotion it just can’t be injected into someone from outside.
The moment you realize that your relationship is draining the positivity out of you, step ahead and decide that you deserve someone who loves you, treasures and cares for you. There is no sense in chasing the wrong ones because the right one never runs away. You have to be mindful enough to identify the difference between adjustment and harassment; when to adjust and adapt with new changes in the family environment, personal life that comes along with the entry of the new person and when create boundary shields around you.
Magazines, novels, and websites etc. are filled with such articles and research Journals coming up with dozens of researches supporting this. We regularly come across around such readings but still, we ignore them. Why? To make our relationship last longer because deep inside we all are chasing “A Glass Unicorn” without knowing that “Perfect relationship is a Myth”.