How To Deal With Unhealthy Relationships

How To Deal With Unhealthy Relationships

LET’S CONSIDER TWO SITUATIONS :

SITUATION 1

If a person(A) loves the plants(B) then, s/he will take care of B, and will make sure to take care of plants in any circumstance. They will water them up daily, will understand its essentials which are necessary, in order to keep it alive. The person will take care, to make it survive for as many days/months/years as it can.

SITUATION 2

If a person(A) loves the plants(B) then, s/he will take care of B, and will make sure to take care of plants in any circumstance. They will water them up daily, will understand its essentials which are necessary in order to keep it alive, till the time it’s providing the owner with the food. As soon as the season ends, a person will replace it with other plants.

Now considering the same situations, it can be implied on human relationships with each other as well.

In a relationship as long as partner A is getting benefitted from partner B, they stay as a happy, loving, caring, understanding, trustworthy person, and as soon as their need is gratified, they no longer care about the person. And simply avoid getting in touch/stay with them.

 

BEING IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

You constantly show up for one another: You call when you say you’re going to call. When you agree to do something,, it gets done. If you commit to a plan, your partner knows you’ll stick to it and vice versa. You know you can count on each other for things big and small. Consistency allows for trust to build, which then allows intimacy to grow because both partners feel safe and comfortable.

You feel comfortable being yourselves around each other: In the early stages of a relationship, people tend to present only the sparkliest versions of themselves, hiding anything that could make them seem less desirable in their partner’s eyes. But when you don’t feel like you constantly need to impress your partner to earn their affection because you know this person lies you, warts and all-it bodes well for your future as a couple.

You celebrate each other accomplishments: Couples with longevity always remember that they’re on the same team. One partner’s success shouldn’t be threatening or jealousy-inducing. It’s a win for both of you and should be celebrated as such.

You share and accept each and everything between them both: It’s a good sign if you’re able to slowly open up to each other and accept each other the way you’re. It takes courage, maturity, and inner strength to be transparent and vulnerable, even with our partner, about the not-so-positive aspects of ourselves.

You sincerely apologize to each other when you’ve done something wrong: Two people who can take responsibility for their missteps, instead of rattling off a bunch of excuses for their behavior, are more likely to move through rough patches without lingering resentments. We all make mistakes, say things we shouldn’t have said, and can be selfish at times. A simple, ‘I’m sorry’ is amazing in how healing it can be for a relationship. If you’ve got a partner who’s willing to say sorry, that’s hard-to-find quality and strength, and you should do all you can to keep them.

You’re both good listeners: When you try to talk to your partner, do they interrupt you, scroll through social media, or watch something else? Or do they maintain eye contact, respond thoughtfully, and remember the things you tell- even the little stuff, like the name of your family dog? Showing you’re willing to listen can be as simple as not looking at your phone when your partner is talking to you, being willing to mute the TV for a moment, or taking the time to have deeper conversations with all of the distractions turned off and giving each other your full undivided attention.

You share similar values and common life goals: For the relationship to have longevity, your major goals should be in alignment. If you’re on the same page on what matters-like your views on monogamy, your desires to start a family, and your financial goals or habits, you can avoid some major rifts down the line.

When you fight, you fight fair: Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Having arguments doesn’t mean you’re incompatible it means you’re human. It’s how you conduct yourselves during those hated moments that matters. A good sign is that no matter how difficult the content, nobody gets nasty, nobody piles on unrelated grievances and neither of you wants to win at your partner’s expense.

 

BEING IN A UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Your partner becomes dominant over you: Your partner implies that you are stupid, or that they are "the smart one” in the relationship; they try to dissuade you from trying something new because “you probably won’t understand it.” When you and your partner disagree, they insist you do things their way or leave. It’s their way or the highway, and you don’t have a sense that when you disagree you’ll find a way of coming together.

Your partner abuses you physically: Your partner doesn’t make you feel good about your body, they point out your thinning hair or saggy underarm skin. Your partner mocks you, such as poking fun at your voice or facial expressions in a mean way. They use you as a source for letting out all your frustration by physically hurting you.

You constantly fear or feel insecure: You don’t feel able to confide in your partner. If you were to reveal something that you’re sensitive about, you’re not sure if they’d react respectfully or helpfully. Your partner makes jokes about leaving you or teases you about what their "second" wife or husband will be like. You don’t have a sense of relationship security, you’ve broken up or almost broken up numerous times.

They provide you with the mixed signals: You’re not sure how dependable, supportive, or reliable your partner would be in a situation in which you really needed them; for example, if you or a close family member met an accident. Sometimes they support you while at home but doesn’t support your decisions in front of others.

Your partner becomes avoidant: They often avoid/miss the opportunities that are really important for you. Like your birth date. You find yourself lying to other people because you’re ashamed of your partner’s behavior; for example, making excuses for why they haven’t shown up to an event as planned.

Your partner pressurizes you:  Your partner pushes you to do things you don’t want to do or aren’t ready for, including sex or using drugs and alcohol. They don’t take “no” for an answer and they use threats or ultimatums. They impart their decisions onto you without listening up to your thinking and point of view.

WHY WE STAY IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Society: We think that since we were with the person for such long, society will now criticize me for not being loyal, and will say a lot of bad things about me.

Slept: Many a time we get too close in a relationship with the person, and regret it later, for not maintaining the distance.

Time: We think that we’ve invested a lot of time, energy, and emotions into a relationship, and it’ll be difficult to move on.

Won’t find anyone else: We rely so much on the other person and think we’re nothing without him/her, and also won’t be able to find someone better than him/her. Might change: We develop hope, get some expectations that the person might change up in the future.

Lonely: We find it difficult to stay without them, and often feel detached from everything when not with them. We find ourselves neglected from the outer world.

Person positive biasness: Positivity bias as the term suggested for the tendency for being biased against negativity. This means that the person is able to remember positive things or instances in his life but is not able to remember the unpleasant or the negative instances or incidents.

 

 

 

WHY WE NEED TO MOVE ON

Affects daily routine: Walking away shows personal strength and the courage to stand on your own two feet, without someone else rubber-stamping your daily activities or life. When we are in a toxic relationship it starts hampering our day-to-day life activities. You found yourself cross-questioned, every time you’re about to do something new, take a new step and go beyond the circle of your partner's expectations.

Self-esteem low: Self-esteem is an individual's subjective evaluation of their own worth. A toxic relationship is extremely one-sided. It’s all about one person to the exclusion of the other. This can leave you feeling worthless, hopeless, and helpless. The reality is, you are none of the above. You are your own person, with your own unique value and things to offer the world. Anyone who tells you otherwise is doing so precisely so they can keep you under their thumb. You know you’re worth more, so be worth more.

Prevents personal growth: “You didn’t/You should have/Why did you…?” is an oft-heard refrain. This kind of constant browbeating prevents personal growth because it makes the person on the receiving end feel smaller and like their opinion and feelings don’t matter. This, in turn, leads to a stifling of personal growth, or even reversion back to older, less sophisticated forms of dealing with stress. A healthy relationship encourages growth and dialogue on both sides.

Distancing from another relationship: While living with the wrong partner, you always end up distancing yourself from all positive people with your friends and family. You unknowingly make a gap between the relations that you were close with a long time back. Whereas, Mr/Mrs. Right always helps you to clear the gap between your family and friends and they themselves to enjoy spending time with your close ones.

Neglect self-importance: “You couldn’t last one day without me.” “You made me do that, you know.” All of these are flat-out lies, told by a toxic partner because your partner is trying to convince you it’s true precisely so you don’t walk out. Do not believe the lies or the hype here. Walking away shows personal strength, self-importance, and the courage to stand on your own two feet, without someone else rubber-stamping your daily activities or life.

WHY CAN’T WE MOVE ON

Low self-esteem: Low-self-esteem, which is a cognitive self-evaluation, leads to self-attribution of fault and personal defects to explain why someone else wants to end a relationship. For example, if a man cheats, the woman often assumes it’s because she’s not desirable enough, rather than that his motivation comes from his fear of intimacy.

Shame: Shame is often unconscious but may drive a person to love others who can’t love or don’t love them. In this way, a belief in one's unlovability becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy operating beneath conscious awareness. We can get caught in a negative cycle of abandonment.

See them every day: If you keep seeing your ex and hearing from them, then that might be what's keeping you from letting go. Go no contact (unless of course, you have children in common), or try to limit your contact as much as possible. If there's really no reason your ex should be calling or texting you, then make the boundaries clear. There's no reason to be nasty about it, but you can calmly and lovingly explain that you're still hurt and that you will need some time to heal alone.

Keeping an eye on them: You’re still kind of creeping them on social media and maybe you share common friends. You haven’t removed them from your social media and you haven’t removed the old photos of you as a couple. You can’t get over your ex because you haven’t removed them fully from your life.

You feel guilty/blame them: You hold your ex as the guilty party for treating you poorly, and because you feel wronged, you hold onto these feelings well after your relationship ended. These feelings keep you from moving on with your life; they only hold you back. On the other side, you may feel guilty for ending things, perhaps now looking back on it you realized that you ended things too quickly or that you did not give them a chance to turn things around. So, you feel guilty and start to romanticize the relationship more than you should, which leads to a host of other issues.

They played many roles in your life: In cases like these, you might not be over your ex simply because their presence was an integral part of the practical side of your life! If you suspect that this might be it, take a step back and think about things. Your ex may have been useful, but that doesn't mean you should be together. If your ex always cooked for you and you can't stand to do it for yourself without thinking about what used to be, switch to convenience foods for awhile. You're probably not going to completely fill every role they played in your life, but you can help yourself out by making things a bit easier.

Hiding behind the walls: In our culture, unfortunately, we are encouraged to concentrate all of that love on one person (our romantic partner), and we tend to forget that we can have deep, loving connections with friends and even sometimes strangers. Of course, none of this is possible if you're not willing to be vulnerable and open with people. Lots of people subconsciously feel that they can only be their true selves with their partner and that if they lose that person, then they are simply left completely alienated with no emotional intimacy in their lives. The best way to address this is to simply realize that things don't have to be that way. You can have intimate connections with friends, family anybody, really and it doesn't have to be in the context of a romantic relationship.

 

 

HOW TO MOVE ON

Pursue self-growth: Change will not be instant, and you won’t meet Mr. or Mrs. Right immediately. Take all of that time you spent trying to better understand your toxic partner or to fix the flawed relationship, and invest it in yourself. Use your energy to pursue self-growth.

Withstanding the need (resistance): A strong, immediate attraction can sometimes mean trouble ahead for a relationship. Hold back and wait for a few beats. This tactic will help you avoid another disappointing relationship.

Building self-esteem: Surround yourself with friends and family that are in healthy and loving relationships. This will remind you that ‘good love’ is out there so you can raise the bar of what you accept in a relationship.

Explore the origin of needs: Detoxify yourself, start meditating or journaling, read self-help books, or take up weekly psychotherapy. When you do date, thoughtfully consider those you have gone for before, and work to engage new and different types of personalities.

Self-reflection: Being alone is far better than having your dignity and self-respect compromised. Solitude is a great time for self-reflection, career advancement, or spending time with people that value you. It’s better to end something and try to start something new than imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible.

Adjustment: Coping in a healthy way also requires making re-adjustments to his or her life at all levels: psychological adjustments, physical adjustments, and environmental adjustments. A toxic relationship leaves people with debris, but once these adjustments happen, the coping becomes easier.

Acceptance: Leaving any relationship, toxic or not, creates a grief response similar to a bereavement. The individual has to go through the stages of accepting that the relationship was toxic and that leaving was the best option. Once that happens, the individual has to go through emotions such as hurt, anger, loss, and sadness.

A positive note: Look for joy and happiness in the small things. Before you go to sleep each night ask yourself what three things made you happy today, even if it’s a walk in the park or a coffee with a friend. Do more of these things.

Embrace forgiveness: Forgiveness is actually a deliberate and intentional act. It is a decision that restores vitality, possibility, and integrity to your life. Realize that you are only resentful to the extent that you have given away your personal power. Ultimately, to forgive someone means to cancel the debt you feel they owe you. It is a surrender and release of the hurt that has passed between you.

Without forgiveness, the past can turn up at any moment, and you will repeat history. However, forgiveness can change your past and the present by helping you give it a different purpose. The purpose of your life is not to carry a grievance.

 

NOTE !!!

No one should ever feel imprisoned in a relationship of any kind where their peace of mind, emotional and physical health, safety, or security is or could be compromised. You are a unique and beautiful individual with a lot to offer, and you owe it to yourself, to find that special someone who sees and loves you for you, not what they think you should be.

If you or someone you love is in a toxic relationship, then you can always suggest them to go for relationship counseling/expert wherein they can have tips on how to get out of a toxic or potentially dangerous relationship.

Don’t let someone else hold you, prisoner, in a toxic relationship.

About the Author

Nikita Yadav
Psychologist, Research scholar, Blogger.

Pursuing PhD. Clinical Psychology, having M.Sc. Clinical Psychology, with advanced level training in graphology, with

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2 Comments

  • Very well written. Maintaining relationships is a very important part of our life, the points you have shared is necessary not only for couples, but in our day to day life...

  • What would be your response if I point out to a relation which is both healthy and unhealthy?

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