Are you having negative thoughts about your partner?

Are you having negative thoughts about your partner?

The fear of past experiences overshadows the pleasant feelings of present moment. Sometimes, we've been treated in such a manner in our childhood, be it by our parents, siblings or relatives or a partner that we carry the setback for dealing correctly with it till date! So even if one wants to start a new life with a new relationship on the cards, one might end up into a failure. If we do not resolve the resulting emotional damage at that time, we silently suffer from those buried, unresolved issues and begin the process by withdrawing energy and hope from the present relationships, making the partner more confused and uncertain about the relationship. This approach by one will definitely disturb the whole equation of any relationship. The trauma, the humiliation, the advantage taken by others, if not dealt in properly at the correct time will undoubtedly overshadow the present relationship. As a goodwill gesture if the person in relationship with the suffering person tolerates his/ her flaws in the beginning and the situation becomes such that the sufferer now mentally prepares himself/ herself for a long term relationship in mind. But the bitter truth lies in the fact that people involved in this kind of relationship have never tried to forget the past and the issues associated with it. So even if they pose to be comfortable and happy, somewhere in their subconscious minds, the past haunts. This over generalization of past events is definitely overshadowing their present relationship and the confidence alongside the trust in the partner is shaken up.

The pressure and demand of a relationship indirectly leads to the frustration, short temperedness, and insecurity! This should be taken as an alarm and should be dealt with seriously. The procrastination of dealing with it is affecting the present relationship as well as the future of the person. All the energy which one should invest in the present relationship is eaten up and thoroughly consumed with the thoughts of past experience, which actually no longer exist. This over generalization undoubtedly brings in the negativity into the relationship and it withers. There have been cases, where a person due to the negativity of past relationships is now scared and apprehensive to start afresh, which on the other hand is not understood by his/ her partner, who misinterprets and dumps the partner. The sufferer in the bargain feels let down and sometimes guilty of not making it to a fruitful relationship. This is carried in the heart of the sufferer and who again, when wants to start a new life with a new partner, subconsciously and unknowingly passes this approach to the next partner. This becomes a vicious cycle and leads to an imbalance.

So what can be done to avoid leading life this way? Let's talk about solutions now, in the form of change in approach.

1. Communication- This is the major problem, as well as the solution. If you have any thoughts or desires that your partner could not live with, talk it out i.e. communicate with your partner about the discontent before you do anything that might make it worse. Prejudices play a major role in this regard. Sensibility says give a new person chance to start afresh. Listen to them, not with a biased mind but with a free mind. Try to have some special, uninterrupted, intimate connections.

2. Check: As it’s said that 'attack is the best defence'. So instead of proving your point all the time, try to understand the situation and the mind frame of your partner. Keep a check on your behaviour and see whether you have started behaving in such a manner that might threaten your partner. Stop that process immediately and start behaving responsibly. Always keep the repercussions in mind that how things and experiences of the past and your response towards it are going to affect your present relationship and where is it leading to?

3. Re-evaluation: Re-evaluate together whether you can fulfil each other's current needs. Talk frankly about the feelings which you've been holding up till now and have the courage also to accept the rejection by the partner. If you had any serious trust breaking relationship with your partner in the past, are you still holding on to it? Do you from depth of your heart not feel that he/ she should be given one more chance? If ' yes’, go for it and if ‘no’, introspect yourself with a balance head.

4. Transparency: Keep the relationship as much transparent as possible, so that no unnecessary issues arise in future. Introspect yourself whether you blame your partner for your own willing sacrifice! Also see whether you are too demanding by nature and maybe the past relationship failed because of this approach of yours. Take is as a warning signal and start working towards it. Remember all the time your partner cannot be wrong.

5. Trust: Have you been hiding things from your partner, fearing the rejection? Invest in trust and faith in the relationship. Stop judging the partner with previous experience in mind. Do you have this much of trust that you and your partner openly tell each other that your relationship is heading towards disaster?

6. Sharing: Are you bottling up your emotions? Earlier if you were able to share all your achievements, success, failures with your partner, are you now holding on to these and not mentioning things openly to him? You have started withdrawing from it and now have moved so much far on that track (of withdrawal) that you are now not able to come back and break the ice. This stage and state of mind is subconsciously making you hold on to your emotions even if you maybe be undesirous!

Sometimes we end up sacrificing our today and start expecting the partner in front to fulfil our requirements and expectations. In the bargain, we stop enjoying the moment and fail to continue the uninterrupted, intimate connections because of these calculations in mind.

Remember that what is gone is gone, so at least do not spoil or lose the fun today is offering you.

About the Author

Purba Pani
Counselling Psychologist.

Ms Purba Pani is a retired army officer. She holds an M.Sc degree in Organic Chemistry. Besides her masters, She also holds a diploma in Clinical P

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