Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order
Anne Wilson Shaef
You might be wondering how can perfection be equivalent to self-abuse. How anxiety and depression are synonyms of perfection ? In your defence you can say, it helps people meet their goals, has a sense of achievement or reach what we call in psychology, “self-actualization”. In this article, I will be addressing how perfectionism kills us from within in the name of “self-growth”.
Read More: How Discipline Transforms Self-Care into Personal Growth
What is perfectionism?
It is marked by high personal standards and critical self-evaluation (Frost, Marten, Lahart, & Rosenblate, 1990). It also has levels to it as explained by Flett & Howitt’s (1991) three dimensions of perfection namely – self-oriented, socially prescribed and lastly oriented perfection. For this article, we will be focusing on the first two dimensions.
Self-oriented perfection means when we set unrealistic standards for ourselves, evaluate ourselves and base our satisfaction on how we perform. Socially prescribed perfection comes from the perception that others demand us to be perfect and will judge us harshly if we fail to do so. Both of these components are associated with psychopathology.
Read More: “THE PERFECTIONISM”-Is it really a boon or a bane?
Why do we have this demand to be perfect in the first place?
This demand, to “be perfect all the time”(ugh) comes from unrealistic standards, constant effort to meet these standards, all or none thinking (either I win or I fail, there’s no in between) and overgeneralization of failure (Pacht,1984). While I was reading “The subtle art of not giving a fuck “, best selling book by Mark Manson ( I suggest all of you read this). I got a clarity of what happens at the baseline with this perfectionism keeda. (A small task – keep track of the number of negative experiences)
In order to reach that expectation you are under the perception of “lacking” this desired state and this makes you feel sad. To compensate for this lack you wish to reach an end. You are constantly looking for ways to reach the goal and it fills you with constant anxiety. It brings a state of restlessness, making it super difficult for you to relax.
You find yourself constantly surrounded with thoughts “If I don’t get this I will be a big failure” because you have based your self-esteem on that single frame. Even the mere thought of “what if I don’t” will create more anxiety and nervousness. The experience of anxiety will create more anxiety (oh god I am having anxiety). The only solution you think of is “I need this ASAP” and bam the cycle continues.
What’s the count?
This is a vicious cycle that no one wishes to be a part of (but unfortunately we end up ).
Research Evidence
Research on “perfectionism” has shown that it is a neurotic style (Flett, Hewitt & Dyck, 1989) and is associated with feelings of failure, guilt, shame and low self-esteem (Hamachek, 1978). This “fixation” affects both physiological and mental health
- Clinical depression & anxiety
- Anorexia nervosa
- Elevated blood pressure
- Suicidal ideation
- Increased risk of mortality
A study by Corry et al, 2013 on perfectionism stated that stress and anxiety mediates the relationship between self-critical perfectionism and goal attainment values (unrealistic expectations) and bipolar depressive symptoms.
Read more: Guilty or Not Guilty?
Are you being real?
This chasing game can also be understood in terms of Roger’s concept of real and ideal self. Roger said that we are “real self” and what we want to be “ideal self” can depict the individual’s emotional/ mental state. According to him, when real and ideal self are congruent with each other there’s a state of harmony and balance. If the opposite happens, i.e. not in congruent terms there’s a state of anxiety and restlessness. It directly attacks one’s self-esteem/ worth. We have created unrealistic expectations of ourselves, telling ourselves this is where I would like to see myself (ideal self). To achieve that ideal state the negative cycle begins.
Read More: Ideal self vs Real self
This happens to us, right?
We get too attached to the ideal state reminding us we aren’t enough. We are trying to be perfect, which deep down is coming from a place of insecurity because we don’t feel “good enough”. We seek the approval and validation of others. We want others to perceive us as “perfectionists” / “exceptional”. We want to feel good and in that desperate attempt at times we fall into the negative coping mechanisms of addiction (be it alcohol, drugs or sex).
What to do?
Prof. Andrew Hill with the help of a video talked about how we can reduce this pressure.
- Talk to someone whom you trust
- Don’t be so critical of yourself
- Try to enjoy more
- Don’t attach your self-worth to perfection
- Mistakes do happen, don’t be so harsh on yourself
- Work done is much better than perfect work
A short note
I know there’s a sense of comparison that comes with exposure to various social media platforms but try to understand we all are different and our journeys are going to be different. Why choose perfection at the expense of our mental peace? I know it hits differently when people praise us for our flawless work but basing your self-worth on that single compliment? Your effort, hard work, time and energy that you invested, what about that? Therefore try to base your progress on the name of work and energy. Stop thinking in terms of either HERO or Zero. In between lies progress too and in the long run that matters. The bar to perfection will keep on increasing, there’s no end to it. And because of that, you’ll never be satisfied because you’ll keep chasing that bar and hello to that vicious cycle.
You tried, completed the work and made progress (THAT IS ENOUGH)
Leave feedback about this