The Psychology Behind Mother-Daughter Relationships

As a daughter, have you ever identified which set of behaviours you might have emulated from your mother and how your actions can be starkly different from your mother’s own? It can reveal a lot about you as a person to understand the way your mother’s presence or absence in your life can influence your mindset, core beliefs, behavioural patterns and the way you relate with other people.

The relationship between a mother and a daughter is a profoundly primal one and can offer an insight into the emotional bonding between the two, the development of self-identities and the social dynamics between both the mother and daughter. The mother-daughter bond might be a source of tremendous support, learning, comfort and growth for some people, coupled with mental distress, conflicts and differing values.

External influences, societal standards, cultural expectations, economic circumstances, parenting style, and temperament are some of the factors that may shape this critical bond. For example, a mother who adopts an authoritarian parenting style expertly balances unconditional positive regard, warmth and open channels of communication with healthy boundaries, and reasonable expectations and supports her daughter’s individuality. Research studies have indicated a positive correlation between authoritative parenting and self-esteem and overall mental well-being. Below are some psychological aspects concerning the mother-daughter bond:

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1. Attachment Style

Have you ever wondered why some people can connect with others deeply and securely while others find it hard to trust or get closer to other people? Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth proposed attachment theories that elaborated on the intense impact that attachment has on behaviour and believed attachment is a product of evolutionary processes.

Mary Ainsworth proposed three main styles of attachment: secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment. A fourth style of attachment known as disorganized attachment was added by researchers Main and Solomon. The mother-daughter bond is especially central in attachment theory because it directly impacts the daughter’s approach towards vulnerability, intimacy, trust, pattern-formation and conflict resolution in her other connections.

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Types of attachment styles 

The attachment style that a daughter develops over time is usually influenced by how she receives care, comfort, support and love from her mother. The four primary attachment styles are:

1. Secure attachment

• When the mother can be consistently empathetic, nurturing and communicative, their daughters are more likely to feel loved, valued and safer expressing their emotions and thoughts.

•  According to research studies, daughters who have experienced secure attachment with their mothers over a long period tend to be better at regulating their emotions, having healthy boundaries and developing a resilient sense of self. They are likely to have lower susceptibility to anxiety and depression.

• Even during times of conflict, daughters with secure attachments can resolve it because both the mother and daughter feel secure with themselves and their relationship with each other. They are also able to have long-lasting and fulfilling relationships with other people as they feel safe and secure in being who they are.

2. Avoidant Attachment

• In this type of attachment, the daughter might not feel safe to express herself as her mother is more likely to be dismissive, and neglectful and doesn’t encourage open communication. 
• As a result of the emotional chasm between the daughter and her mother, they may find it challenging to trust others, remain honest and show emotional vulnerability. They would appear to be independent and self-reliant but can be emotionally unavailable or distant.
• Daughters having an avoidant attachment style abstain from depending on others and might struggle to form close and intimate bonds with other people.

3. Anxious attachment

• When a mother is inconsistent in the way she gives care, cycling between being extremely caring to be dismissive and then distant, the daughter might develop an anxious attachment.

• There is a heightened fear of rejection or abandonment felt by the daughter, making her constantly vigilant and highly sensitive during conflicts and disagreements with others.
• Due to the inconsistency in her mother’s behaviour, the daughter becomes reliant on the mother to provide the reassurance and approval that she seeks.

• This style of attachment can lead to struggles with low self-esteem, insecurity and codependency in her relationships.

4. Disorganized attachment

• In this attachment style, the daughter is usually dazed and confused about the role and behaviour shown by her mother. Her mother could be someone she fears but also the person they seek comfort from. This disorganized style of attachment might stem from abuse, trauma, neglect and confusing behaviour. 

• The daughters might seek comfort yet withdraw from their relationships due to a fear of showing vulnerability. They might struggle to regulate their emotions and form lasting relationships with others.
• The relationship between the mother and daughter becomes a chaotic cycle of emotional closeness and sudden withdrawal. 

2. Social Learning

The social learning theory established by psychologist Albert Bandura delves deeper into how people learn to behave, and form attitudes and emotional responses by observing, imitating and modelling their parent’s behaviour. The children usually learn by observing their parents rather than having direct experience. For example, children might observe their caregiver being kind to another person and learn to shape their behaviour to be empathetic and mindful towards others. Social learning when applied in the context of the mother-daughter bond can help us to recognize the behavioural patterns formed in this relationship.

• A daughter is more prone to managing her distressing emotions when her mother exhibits healthy strategies for emotional regulation.
• Daughters observe how their mother interacts, communicates, resolves conflicts and imitates these behaviours with the other people in their lives. 
• The mother acts as a role model by how they handle conflicts, express their needs and showcase vulnerability significantly influences how the daughter relates with other people.
• The self-esteem and body image held by the mother can influence how the daughter views herself. For example, a mother often displaying self-criticism might affect her daughter’s perception of herself and lead to a distorted sense of self.
• Mothers are likely to transfer their societal expectations, career aspirations, desires and goals to their daughters. For example, when a mother challenges cultural norms and gender roles, her daughter is inspired to have a progressive mindset towards factors like career challenges, cultural expectations, gender stereotypes, etc.

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Mothers who often reward and reinforce certain behaviours are likely to motivate their daughters to repeat those behaviours. On the other hand, daughters also learn how to not behave in a specific way to avoid conflict and seek approval from their mother. For example, when a mother criticizes her daughter’s fashion choices, her daughter might decide to not wear specific clothes to avoid criticism.

While this could hurt the daughter’s behaviour, sometimes negative reinforcement can be necessary to teach and inspire behaviours that would be conducive. Pattern-forming is an important aspect of social learning in this unique bond. The conscious and unconscious habits, attitudes, mindset, behaviours, social dynamics, attachment styles and communication styles displayed by the mother can be inherited by her daughter who might form similar patterns of behaviour. 

A mother can also be a role model for positive habits, such as clear communication, open-mindedness, empathy, emotional regulation and an optimistic mindset. On the other hand, a daughter who becomes aware of the harmful behavioural patterns or habits exhibited by her mother might desire to break the cycle, with the help of self-awareness, mindfulness and therapy.

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How Can Daughters and Mothers Enrich This Relationship?

Mothers and their daughters can deepen their bond by having open communication, sharing their experiences, understanding each others’ similarities and respecting the differences in thoughts, values and beliefs. 

• Keeping a clear line of communication can fundamentally change the way mothers and daughters interact with each other. Offering a safe environment where both parties’ needs, fears, desires, emotions, goals, etc are actively heard and understood will ensure that the bond between the two is intact. Other ways to enrich the bond are by encouraging accountability and avoiding blame and criticism.

• Spending time doing mutually enjoyable activities, cultivating shared hobbies, travelling and creating memories can boost positive feelings between the two. For example, exercising together, practising art or other hobbies can be fun and engaging ways to spend quality time together.

• While sharing experiences and concerns, it’s important to understand how inter-generational mindsets, expectations, and trauma have been passed down from the previous generations. By being aware of these, mothers and daughters will be able to discuss how to break the barriers, cycles or patterns that are not conducive to their bond. 

• Mothers and daughters can discuss their love language,  communication habits and attachment styles to gain a better understanding of each others’ needs and desires. For example, celebrating milestones with thoughtful gestures or gifts can be heartwarming for the receiver. 

• To reduce the intensity of conflict arising from individual differences or preferences, respecting each other’s sense of individuality and encouraging autonomy can be highly beneficial. Unresolved conflicts can strain the relationship and it’s important to address the issues with each other to avoid feeling unsafe or unheard.

• Supporting each other’s growth, passion, and aspirations and acknowledging character development will remind each other that they are not confined by their past behaviours. 

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Conclusion

The special bond fostered between a mother and her daughter can be a unique and individual experience. Nurturing this connection can take time, mutual efforts, and mutual willingness or intention to change and commit to its development. A mother-daughter relationship can undergo many changes from childhood till late adulthood. Adjusting to the evolution and nurturing a collaborative dynamic between the two can ensure that this beautiful bond can remain robust even after many years.