The Paradox of Being Nice: Why are we Nice in the first place?

Much of it is related to our past. Hunter-gatherers gave way to settled groups when humans evolved. From here on, a concept called altruism came up in civilizations across the globe. It refers to helping and caring for others selflessly. Early human communities relied on mutual aid for food, protection, and care. This tendency to be kind has its roots in biology. Research suggests that helping other people causes a spike in oxytocin, which is often called the “love hormone,” creating trust and social bonding. 

However, the same qualities that promote cooperation can sometimes be problematic in modern society, where social norms and expectations are much more complicated. Excessive niceness may become a way of coping or a tool to avoid conflict rather than a genuine expression of kindness.

Drawbacks

1. Burnouts: Constantly putting others in front of us can lead to emotional burnout. A person may find themselves in a scenario where they are not taking care of themselves because they are constantly striving to meet everyone’s expectations. 
2. Removing authenticity: If we are always trying to meet the demands of other people, we tend to lose our authenticity in the process. Self-esteem can be harmed by internal conflict that arises when one suppresses their beliefs, desires, or limits to keep the peace.
3. Being vulnerable to exploitation: This is commonly found in relationships where a person who fails to make any boundaries for themselves often finds it difficult the manage the whole thing. The other person can exploit them by either gaslighting them into believing something or using other deceptive tricks to pin the blame on their partner. 

Let’s look at how gender and culture influence this paradox. 

Role of Gender and Culture

Gender norms and cultural expectations have a significant impact on the perception and practice of niceness. Women, for example, are socialized to be nurturing and accommodating, which can pressure them to embody niceness even at the expense of their own needs. Men, in contrast, may face different challenges, as cultural norms often encourage assertiveness and emotional restraint over overt niceness. Similarly, in collectivist societies where group harmony is central, niceness and self-forgetfulness are deeply internalized values. In contrast, there is a greater sense of self-expression and individual boundaries in individualistic societies. 

How can we even it out in our lives?

1. Striking a Balance 

Niceness becomes problematic if it leads to neglecting personal well-being. A balance between kindness and self-respect is essential for solving the paradox. Healthy niceness involves setting limits, being assertive, and practising authenticity.

2. Making Boundaries

Healthy relationships have boundaries as their foundations. They give people an opportunity to work on themselves and their well-being without diminishing their potential for generosity. Having boundaries doesn’t mean being cruel; it simply means having clarity in what you can offer and what you cannot.

3. Being Assertive

Being assertive helps us to clearly, respectfully, and confidently voice our needs, desires, and opinions. It helps to maintain our authenticity while bringing respect to each other in the relationship. Unlike aggression which aims for domination, an assertive person aims for effective communication.

Read More: Psychology of Assertiveness

4. Being Self-compassionate

True kindness starts at home, but niceness is always external. Being kind and understanding to oneself in the same manner that one would be to a friend is the essence of self-compassion. People will be more capable of providing care for others if they are more equipped with their emotional resources.

Why are Some people ‘too’ nice?

People-pleasers often find themselves entangled with being nice. People often allow others to have their way to please them and gain approval or avoid conflict. Psychologists believe that being a people-pleaser may have to do with early experiences where love was conditional. For example, if children grow up in environments where affection is earned through compliance, then when they grow up, being nice becomes equivalent to being valued.

Read More: “From being peaceful to into pieces”: The Inner Journey of a People-Pleaser

Key Psychological Drivers of Niceness:

• Fear of Rejection: A deep-seated fear of disapproval or rejection can make people suppress their needs to please others. Example: Arjun agrees to work overtime every weekend, fearing his boss will think less of him if he refuses.
• For Social Approval: Niceness is oftentimes a means of becoming accepted or avoiding criticism. Example: Meera helps her classmates with assignments despite her own workload, craving their praise and acceptance.
• Aversion to Conflict: Niceness is used by some in order not to confront issues which may be authentic to him. Example: Ravi avoids discussing financial issues with his wife to prevent arguments, even at his own expense.
• Cultural Conditioning: A culture that emphasizes collectivism will often place a high value on niceness and self-sacrifice. Example: Aditi takes on all the responsibilities of the family, believing self-sacrifice is expected as a sign of respect in her culture.

These drivers can work to short-term social goals, but they incur long-term costs in mental and emotional health.

What do studies have to say about this?

According to research, people, especially women in positions of leadership, often achieve this duality by striking a balance between agency (assertiveness) and communion (niceness) (Zheng & Sürgevil, 2016). Such a balancing act may lead to internal conflict, where the pressure to be nice may undermine one’s ability to lead effectively or make tough decisions, creating a psychological burden.

The need to uphold a positive self-concept often triggers behaviours that are harmful to personal well-being. Evidence indicates that though individuals aim to change and grow as individuals, the failure to meet their goals is likely to bring about dissatisfaction and further lead to a reduction in psychological well-being (Hudson et al., 2019; Hudson & Fraley, 2016). This is aligned with the self-determination theory that postulates that intrinsic motivation and the satisfaction of basic psychological needs are the precursors to well-being, and so, the seeking of extrinsic validation through niceness may lead to poor outcomes (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

Conclusion

The paradox of niceness is that it promotes social harmony and can harm personal well-being because niceness has incontestable social and psychological benefits but becomes problematic if it is based on fear, obligation, or self-neglect. We have been taught that if we are nice to others, they will be nice to us as well. By now, most of us would have figured out that this is not true. People will most probably treat you even worse and try to use you in one way or another. The question is, can one still be a good person despite the drawbacks that it brings along with it?