Are You an Enabler? The Hidden Costs of ‘Helping’ Others Too Much

In the chaotic, unpredictable world of relationships, there’s a special breed of people–enablers–who are like unsung heroes, rushing into action to save the day. These are the ones that can’t stand seeing you struggle, swooping in with the best of intentions to make everything alright. Whether it is covering your mistakes with a mild excuse, taking on the burdens as if they are the only ones to carry them, or simply greasing the rough patches with a comforting “Don’t worry, I will take care of it,” enablers are always ready to put themselves second to make life easier for others.

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They do it out of love, and care and very often out of a deep fear of seeing someone they love in pain. But the catch is that in trying to protect, they end up preventing others from learning, growing and facing consequences for their actions. An enabler is a safety net, a buffer, which removes the walls other people need to climb. Although that sounds nice at times, it locks people into an avoidance mentality. They never have to face the consequences and hence never get stronger. Their intentions are pure but their actions deprive one from performing at their fullest potential. Let’s explore this bittersweet dance of love and sacrifice. 

The term “enabler behaviour,” in psychology, refers to actions or patterns of behaviour that support or facilitate another person’s harmful or maladaptive behaviour. They often protect them from experiencing negative consequences. Typically, enabling behaviour occurs within a relationship wherein one individual enables the undesirable behaviours exhibited by the other, such as drug addiction or irresponsible decision-making. Abusers’ enablers can emotionally, financially or practically do anything to make the person continue indulging in destructive behaviour, not necessarily because they want it to be done but perhaps to help protect themselves or maintain peace. The problem is that while the intentions may be pure, this often serves to worsen the problem since it saves the individual from facing the natural consequences of their actions and can prolong the cycle of dysfunction.

How to Recognise if You’re an Enabler?

Identify whether or not you are an enabler through honest self-reflection in your interactions. If you are someone who perpetually jumps to rescue or solve things for others without anyone ever asking you to do so, you’re probably enabling people not to take responsibility. Your “rescue” attitude may initially depict you as very helpful, but it can end up enforcing other’s dependency on you and they might not learn how to handle their problems. However, sometimes you may be enabling the situation by downplaying or dismissing harmful behaviours just so that you do not have to engage, hence avoiding a confrontation.

You are also being an enabler if you avoid problem-solving. If you fear conflict, then tolerance of unhealthy behaviours keeps others happy. So instead of addressing the issues at hand, you’re likely enabling another person’s conduct to avoid consequences. This may prevent personal growth and resolution. If you frequently take upon yourself responsibilities that rightfully belong to others, letting them get away with not doing things they ought to be doing, you may unconsciously stifle their ability to change by making things easier for them.

Enablers don’t set boundaries well because they get carried away with the needs of others and end up draining themselves. If you feel guilty when you don’t step in or if you always prioritize everyone else’s needs over yours, you may be sacrificing your own needs too. Moreover, if you are protecting others from having to face the consequences of their actions, then you are robbing them of the opportunity to learn and be responsible.

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Also, if your self-esteem is bound to being there with others and you fear losing that position, then maybe you will end up in a codependent relationship. You must be aware of these patterns to be free. 

How to cope with enabling behaviour?

It takes self-awareness, a shift of mentality and the development of healthier boundaries to deal with enabling behavior. The first move is to acknowledge that possibly, you are enabling somebody else’s destructive behavior. It may come from good intentions, care or even a genuine desire to make things right. However, it is important to understand that this might prevent the other person from assuming his or her responsibility. Acknowledge that you can support the person but cannot solve their problems.

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Boundaries need to be set to preserve one’s emotional well-being. Let the other person know that you are setting limits within the communication framework. It could be a refusal to assist this individual when they request, though it hurts to do so. One is allowed to continue caring for the other, but in a manner that encourages interdependence rather than co-dependence. This boundary establishment has to be in a straightforward and consistent fashion, despite opposition or emotional reactions from the other person.

Focus on self-care to avoid burnout. Enabling behaviour often creates a habit of taking care of someone else’s needs at the expense of one’s own. Find space for activities that nourish not only your body but also your mind and soul. Don’t forget your well-being, too. Remember, it’s okay to step back when you need to because practising self-care will help you gain back your energy and perspective. Sometimes, this can help you become a better aid to others in a healthier way.

Encourage responsibility by letting others face the consequences of their actions. It doesn’t mean leaving them but letting them feel the natural results of their behaviour. When you no longer rescue them, they may come to understand the impact of your choices and step toward change.

Finally, seek help. Counselling or a support group works wonders in helping you recognize your patterns and how to get rid of them. Once you understand your enabling behaviours, you can set yourself and your loved ones free from this.

Conclusion

In a nutshell, enabling behaviour might feel like helping at first, but it does more harm than good. It is taking a fish on a ride to the destination instead of teaching it to swim. True support increases growth, independence and resilience. Next time you feel tempted to jump in and save someone’s day, ask yourself first: Is it really going to help them fly, or am I just holding the wings?

FAQs

1. What is the difference between supporting someone and enabling?

To support someone means helping him or her grow in responsibility and independence. To enable him or her, however, is to help them evade the negative consequences of their actions, which can keep them from learning or changing. Hence, support empowers the individual while enabling often keeps a person dependent.

2. What are the long-term effects of Enabler behaviour?

After some time, dysfunctional enabling leads to unhealthy relationship dynamics wherein one person leans too much and the other feels guilty or experiences burnout. In this way, enabling prevents the person enabled from being able to make the changes necessary which can extend cycles of dysfunction and dependence.

3. Is enabler behaviour always harmful?

Although enabling behaviour eventually leads to negative consequences, it is important to remember that the intention behind enabling is caregiving and supportive rather than malicious. Nevertheless, after many years, enabling can cease to promote personal growth, causing an imbalance in situations, especially those involving continual shielding of the individual from the natural and obvious consequences of his actions.

4. Is enabler behaviour fixable?

Yes, enabling behaviour can be unlearned by increased self-awareness of the behaviour, conscious effort to avoid it and practising healthy new behaviours. Awareness of enabling trends, implementing clear boundaries and encouraging others towards taking responsibility and self-sufficiency will make people cease from enabling and build healthier and more balanced relationships instead.