Psychology behind Benching

Now that we are done familiarizing ourselves with different slangs in the dating world like, ‘ghosting’, ‘situationship’, and ‘breadcrumbing’, let us talk about ‘benching’. You might have heard this term in different sports like hockey or football. Well, that is where this word originated from. Benching in sports refers to when you are not in the playing team but are kept as a backup just in case something goes wrong with one of the original players and someone has to fill in. Benching in the dating world occurs when a person is not very interested in someone romantically but is still curious enough to keep them around as their backup option. Does it make sense? Maybe a little more explanation will do.

Say, for example, you are dating a guy who is very caring towards you but is not fun at all. You have been dating for a couple of weeks. Then you meet a guy who might not be that caring, but is outgoing, fun, and good-looking. Now that you find better characteristics in another man to be your potential romantic partner, you give him more attention. But, you also want the first person to be there because maybe after a few days, you will realize that caring was what you needed after all. So now, you are not able to make much time for the first person and the conversations may get one-sided. He may just start losing interest due to lack of availability and realize that he is being ‘benched’.

Signs That You Are Being Benched

• Inconsistency in Behaviour: The person who is benching you may have high inconsistencies in their behaviours. One day you might have the best time of your life hanging out and then you might not hear from them for 3 consecutive days. They may constantly change or cancel the plans they made with you. This indicates their indecisiveness about you.
• Inconsistency in Communication: All the conversations and interactions with them might start feeling one-sided. You might start feeling that the efforts you are putting in are not only not being reciprocated, but also not appreciated enough.
• Extremely Limited Availability: It is obvious that the person you are dating does not have to be around or available all the time and that they are allowed to have a personal life. But when it feels like you have to go through a tedious process of securing an appointment to meet with them, it is a sign of benching.
• Keeping Options Open: You find out (or sense) that they are keeping their options open. They may still have dating apps on their phone, they casually mention dating other people, or they engage with people on social media or in real life in a flirty manner.
• Trust Your Intuition: If you get a gut feeling that says, “You are being benched”, it is usually better to trust it. Even if it might not be true, you are still not getting what you want from a romantic relationship. You might feel that you are only being contacted by them when they are bored, have excessive time on their hands, or need attention.

Why Do People ‘Bench’ Someone?

Of course, there might be a psychological thought process going on in a person’s mind when they are benching someone. It could be numerous factors, including-

Fear of Commitment

A person might have this fear of commitment because of a past trauma or a previous relationship failure. Because of this fear, they do not let themselves be vulnerable and open with anyone. It makes them push away the people that they feel they are getting closer to. There also might be an underlying fear of being alone, which makes them keep their options open and makes them seek validation from other people.

Read More: Gamophobia (Fear of Commitment & Marriage)

Unrealistic Expectations

There are some people out there who are not entirely sure of what they are looking for in a partner. They might have some extremely unrealistic expectations from their partner. Books and movies have a way of making us feel like love is something so perfect that everything just ‘fits’. Therefore, people with unrealistic expectations go from one person to another, benching others along the way in hopes of finding their ‘perfect match’, but also keeping other options open, just in case.

Attachment Anxiety

A person with an anxious attachment style constantly feels insecure, threatened, and fearful of being hurt. They might become so fearful that they bench their partner just to feel in control of the relationship. They are usually uncomfortable with intimacy, face difficulties while dealing with stress, and keep their partner at a distance.

‘Grass is Greener’ Syndrome

Everyone might be familiar with the idiom, ‘The grass is always greener on the other side’. It means that one always feels like there is something better out there, better than what they currently have. ‘Grass is greener’ syndrome here, leads one to bench their partners in hopes of finding someone more compatible with them. It leads to their reluctance to fully commit to someone.

Unresolved Emotional Baggage

If past issues like abandonment or betrayal are left untreated, they persist and manifest themselves in the form of benching behaviour. Since they struggle with trusting someone and being emotionally vulnerable with them, they engage in this behaviour. They then become involved with other people to protect themselves from facing the same hurt all over again.

Read More: What Is an Emotional Draining Relationship and How to Deal with It?

Psychological Effects On the Person Being Benched

Benching takes a toll on the person who is on its receiving end. These effects are-

• Lower Self-esteem: Self-esteem can be described as the way we view and value ourselves. Someone being benched might feel like they are not enough and something is wrong with them. It might change the way they perceive themselves.
• Uncertainty and Anxiety: The person being benched might constantly have thoughts about where this relationship is going or where you stand in their life. These anxious feelings arise due to a lack of clarity.
• Emotional Exhaustion: It might be a very emotionally draining experience. They might hold hope moving forward but be disappointed every time. They might also feel indifferent towards the relationship.
• Trust Issues: Being benched can create, especially if they were misled regarding intentions. They may fear that the same behaviour will be repeated in their future relationships as well and may not be able to form meaningful bonds with others.
• Seeking External Validation: The person being benched may form a pattern of emotional dependency with the bencher. They might constantly need validation and start prioritizing the bencher’s needs and opinions above their own.

How to Deal With Being Benched

• Set Boundaries: It is essential to be crystal clear on what you will or won’t accept in a relationship. Discuss the important things and deal-breakers beforehand. Moreover, let the other person know if they are not meeting your expectations or are crossing boundaries.
• Prioritize Yourself: Recognize your value and do not tolerate anything you are not comfortable with. Focus on your well-being.
• Recognize the Signs Early On Pay close attention to the fact that their behaviour and actions align. Moreover, recognize the inconsistencies, avoidance, and vagueness in their behaviour.
• Be Prepared to Walk Away: If you have communicated clearly and aren’t comfortable with the things happening in a relationship, walk away. If you feel it is not worth it, do not waste your energy on it. Take control of your well-being and move on if and when necessary.

In conclusion, benching might not be a healthy experience for the one experiencing it, but a lot of thought process goes on in the mind of a bencher. Recognize the sign early, set clear boundaries, communicate your needs and prioritize yourself. This prioritization may also include walking out of the unhealthy environment if necessary.