Psychology Behind Limerence

Love in all its forms can be confusing. We often think of it as a two-way connection between two people, something that blossoms and grows more strongly with time. But what if that connection was one-way? What if you felt as though you were on a whirlwind you could not get off of? That’s when limerence comes along—a kind of emotional obsession that, at first glance, looks like love but feels much more drawn upon. 

It was the psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s who described limerence. So, it’s not just a crush or passing infatuation. Full-blown emotional fixation means this person becomes your world. You can’t think of anything else but him/her. And what’s worse, you start to lose yourself sometimes in the process. Let’s get to the heart of this experience of intense intimacy by determining why it happens and how it impacts our emotional lives. 

Read More: The Psychology Behind One-Sided Love

Limerence: What is it? 

Limerence is more than mere affection for someone. It’s a kind of emotional turbulence. Here’s how it looks: 

1. Intrusive Thoughts

Have you ever reached a point where you find yourself thinking about someone so much that you are incapable of focusing on everything else? These thoughts sprout up from nowhere, interrupt your day, and make it difficult to concentrate at work, with friends, or even when you’re trying to relax. This constant mental invasion is a hallmark of limerence. 

2. A rollercoaster of emotions

Your moods depend on how the other person is going to react towards you. A smiling little thing from them can send you hitting the skies feeling elevated. But silence from them for a whole day is going to make the impression that your world is coming to an end. This rollercoaster ride will leave you drained while you seek validation after validation from them, hoping for one moment of bonding.

3. Putting them on a pedestal

Under limerence, there is usually a vivid image of the individual as some perfect person. Here, imperfections are swept under the rug and all bad flags are ignored, and the individual is idealized to such an extent that they appear flawless in your eyes. It can blind one into seeing the relationship—or lack thereof—as it is. 

Read More: How to know if you have found True Love?

Why Limerence Feels So Intense: The Role of the Brain 

The intensity of loneliness lies not only in your head but also in your brain chemistry because emotional obsession has some kind of chemical fuel, and trying to break free is always a challenge. 

• Dopamine: That’s a reward chemical in your brain. It’s soaring when you start to like that person. It creates that excitement and euphoric feeling. But then, in limerence, it’s going overboard. This is how a brain addicted to the high from being around or thinking about that person becomes impossible to get out of the obsession. 
• Serotonin: The level of serotonin in people experiencing migraine often falls—that’s the same as in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. This may be the reason for obsessive thinking and an inability to stop focusing on another person. 
• Oxytocin and Vasopressin: These are the bonding hormones that bind us to other people and make us feel close to others. The bonding hormones are working overtime in limerence. Though the other person does not feel this way, the individual simply cannot help but be emotionally attached or tethered to this particular person; it is a deep need for emotional intimacy. 

Read More: Love Addiction: The Fine Line Between Passion and Obsession

Is it love or limerence? Here’s How to Tell 

It is really hard sometimes to tell if it’s love or limerence. But due to the intensity that usually surrounds these feelings, most people confuse them. 

• Love is mutually shared: In a healthy, loving relationship, love, care, and affection are shared between the parties concerned in all walks of life. Limerence is, however, usually unrecompensed. You will want some attention and love from them, but they aren’t readily available. You are left frustrated, heartbroken, and sometimes even bitter. 
• Love Ripens, Limerence Burns: The act of love ripens over time; it stabilizes, while Limerence burns so brightly but could never last. At some point, it fades, or, if you are lucky enough to pass through the stage of obsession, it may become something more sustainable. 
• It Sees the Whole Person: You see the flaws of your lover but love them in love. In limerence, the idealized version of that person is viewed, and reality hardly comes into the picture. Such idealization sometimes makes you completely fail to understand whether a relationship is healthy and even possible. 

Read More: The Five Love Languages for Lasting Relationships

How Limerence Hurts Your Mental Health 

Limerence may be very emotionally exhausting, but there are things it does that directly hit your mental health. Here’s how: 

• Withdrawal from Life: Every single thing in life takes the back seat when all your emotional energy focuses on one person. Friendship and the quality of familial relations become a secondary matter, and people can also become isolated, caught in their fixation. 
• Psychical Overexhaustion: How boring to have your mind constantly running on some other person day in and day out. This really eliminates much room for anything else within the mind, generating mental exhaustion that will eventually lead to burnout and subpar productivity. 
• Emotional Whiplash: It is not that rare to find an individual whose emotions will swing between the cocktail of joy and despair due to this phenomenon. While one small interaction with the obsessing object may send a person soaring on cloud nine, this absence of attention can hurt them by sending them spiralling into anxiety or depression. 

Read More: From Devdas to Diversity: Ditching the Madonna-Whore Myth in Modern Love

Why Do Some People Experience Limerence More Than Others? 

Our attachment styles—our ways of emotionally relating to others—every so often determine how much risk we take in falling prey to limerence. People with an anxious attachment style are more at risk, as they yearn for close relationship attachment and dread rejection. Individuals who have a secure attachment style usually maintain healthy emotional boundaries, which counteract loneliness. 

Getting Out of Limerence 

It may even feel impossible to ever overcome loneliness, but with time and effort, you can get a hold of your emotional space once again. Here’s how: 

• Create Distance: Distance is indeed healing. Creating space between you and the limerent object can give you enough breathing room to begin to focus on yourself. 
• Know What’s Going On: First off, be honest with yourself that what you’re feeling might more so be more an obsession than love. This will help you take a step back and clarify things for yourself. 
• Get back to things that make you happy: interesting hobbies, good activities, and good people. Reducing your emotional dependence on the person will take longer by undergoing healthy life development. 
• Seek Therapy: Therapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), can be very effective. A therapist can help to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts, challenge your idealization of the other person, and cultivate healthier coping strategies.