Psychology of Assertiveness

Let us consider a situation. Imagine you just returned home after a bad day. You are sitting in your living room, trying to calm yourself down and rest. Five minutes later, your phone rings with your friend’s call. You take that call, only to realize that your friend wants to vent out about their boss. This situation could be frustrating, considering that the day was already stressful. How would you respond in this scenario?

1. “Oh, get over it! You were the one who wanted this job. And we all have our problems?”
2. Say nothing, and give divided attention to your friend 
3. “I understand, and I have been feeling stressed too because people always use me as a trauma dump”.
4. “That sounds stressful! I’d love to listen, but I just returned home, and I am exhausted. Can we talk tomorrow?”

If you usually respond with statements similar to A, this denotes aggressive responses. If you respond with statements like B, this denotes your tendency to respond passively. If your typical response is C, then it shows your tendency to use passive-aggressive responses. If you usually respond with statements similar to D, then you might be engaging in assertive communication. 

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What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is a healthy prosocial behaviour that relies extensively on the effective communication of one’s own needs, wants, positions and boundaries to others, without being excessively anxious. Assertive individuals stand up for themselves and assert their rights and opinions directly and clearly, while simultaneously respecting the feelings and rights of others. Fostering this social skill helps maintain a positive effect on the receiver while conveying not just positive opinions but also seemingly negative ones. Individuals who communicate assertively typically are considerate about the potential consequences of them expressing their thoughts and feelings authentically, to achieve their personal goals or otherwise. 

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Characteristics of Assertive Individuals 

• They show strong non-verbal body language such as good eye contact, confident posture, etc., conveying their full attention to the ongoing communication.
• They empathetically listen to others, facilitating mutual dialogue.
• They act from a sense of justice, care, strength and authenticity while inspiring and appreciating the same qualities in others.
• They engage in honest and open communication, conveying their opinions without manipulating or deceiving others.
• They intend to convey what they have in their minds, delivering their messages appropriate to the time and the place. 

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• While doing so, they use positive, non-threatening language without intentionally blaming or shaming the other person.
• They defend their position and inspire others to see the issue at hand from different perspectives while being respectful of the opinions and feelings of others.
• They accept both compliments and constructive criticism.
• They consider the potential negative consequences of their position and assertion.

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• They provide opinions, and questions, and confront stressful situations without feeling scared or anxious.
• They stand up for themselves in close personal relationships.
• They offer neutral but definitive responses in impersonal situations.

Psychological Bases of Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a behaviour pattern that is possessed by individuals, helping them stand their ground or express their needs, thoughts or feelings. However, the degree of assertiveness varies from person to person. The degree to which one expresses this behaviour is shaped by many different factors. The Thomas- Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument is an assessment tool that is used person’s behaviour during conflict. Assertiveness is seen as one of the key dimensions in this scale, which shows that it is an important part of conflict management. Let’s look at some of the psychological bases that explain the expression of this behaviour.

1. Social learning theory

Albert Bandura, in his theory, proposes that learning happens through observation, imitation and modelling. This kind of attention influences many factors including attention, motivation, and even assertiveness. When an individual observes that assertive behaviour is expressed by others, and those trigger positive responses, they are likely to learn how to be more assertive.

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2. Cognitive behavioural theory

This theory suggests that body sensations, emotions, thoughts and behaviour are all connected. Thus, adapting positive thought patterns results in developing positive behaviours, including assertiveness.

3. Social exchange theory

This theory suggests that social behaviour is a result of an exchange process. It says that people weigh the benefits and costs of the social relationships that they maintain. Depending on the relationship dynamics that exist between two people and these benefits, attitudes expressed also vary. Thus, this weighing of relationship pros and cons can give rise to assertiveness.

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4. Self-efficacy theory

Bandura explains that self-efficacy is an individual’s belief in their ability to control life events and their functioning. A person with higher self-efficacy is more likely to display assertive behaviour.

5. Attachment theory

This theory suggests that children need to form strong bonds with their caregivers during the early stages of life, and with others as they grow older. Assertiveness can be shaped by early attachment patterns. Those individuals who were successful in forming secure relationships find it easier to express themselves, and hence, can be more assertive in those areas of life where it is needed.

Models of assertiveness

Assertiveness can be a complex behaviour to understand. It can be both positive and negative. Let’s look at some of the models to see how they describe assertiveness.

1. Behavioural model of assertiveness

This model makes four major assumptions. It says that non-assertive behaviour is specific to the situation. Assertiveness can be of different types, and they are independent of each other and are taught separately. The development and maintenance of this behaviour is heavily dependent on reinforcement. Display of non-assertive behaviour is a result of a deficit in these skills.

2. Mental models of assertiveness

The way an individual acts depends on the outcome of the action that they initially imagine. Forecasting plays an important role in shaping assertiveness. However, they might sometimes be incorrect. This might influence further display of the behaviour. Overall, this model says that the level of assertiveness in an individual is dictated by an individual’s personality, past experiences, and the situation that they are in. A person lacking assertiveness is likely to be pessimistic about the outcome of assertive actions.

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3. Model of leader attributes and leader performance

It suggests that good leaders possess a balance of traits and attributes that are meaningful and in conversation with each other. These traits include stability and consistency, among others. Good leaders who show assertive behaviour can define the thin line between assertiveness and aggression.

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4. Model of assertiveness for purposeful conversation

Simon Black’s model says that there can be four types of responses to assertiveness. These are assertive effective behaviour, responsive effective behaviour, aggressive self-defeating behaviour, and passive self-defeating behaviour. Responsive or assertive behaviour lets individuals effectively influence others. This also lets them be on the positive side of all situations. Aggressive and passive behaviours, on the other hand, are often self-defeating and can cause harm to people around them.

Benefits of assertiveness 

Now that we have a good idea about assertiveness, let us also look at the potential benefits of assertive communication. 

1. Assertiveness and relationships 

Being assertive while communicating with others allows them to trust you better. Who wouldn’t trust someone who has strong opinions, but at the same time, respects the opinions of others too? As a result, assertive individuals face fewer conflicts in their communication with others. Eventually, they enjoy a network of strong and supportive relationships. 

Assertiveness also has a protective role. Because assertive individuals communicate their boundaries clearly and directly, they are protected from bullies and other potential social predators. Even if someone steps their boundaries, assertive individuals have the choice to communicate or leave the relationship, depending on the seriousness of the situation. 

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2. Assertiveness and self-concept 

Fostering assertiveness also has a strong impact on one’s self-concept. Assertiveness is associated with self-esteem and boosts the confidence of individuals. Being assertive helps to gain respect from others, as a result of which people’s self-esteem and confidence are improved. Further, assertively communicating one’s needs and wants, facilitates getting them met without frustration. This results in the individual being satisfied with their overall life circumstances.

3. Assertiveness and psychological health

Assertiveness also has a positive effect on psychological health. Being assertive can help reduce stress in daily life. This could be because assertive individuals face fewer conflicts in relationships. Because they experience fewer stressful incidents, these individuals enjoy better health outcomes. Assertiveness also gives individuals a greater sense of agency, thereby making them less anxious and depressed. Assertiveness could therefore be understood as a potential strategy to enhance mental health.  

Strategies to foster assertiveness

Self-reflection 

First and foremost, it is important to understand your behaviour and communication. For this purpose, you can use journal prompts. Some sample prompts are given below. 

• Do you face difficulties in accepting constructive criticism?
• Do you find it difficult to say “no” when you want to?
• Do you find it difficult to voice a different opinion and fear being judged by others?
• Do you feel alienated just because you disagree with a seemingly popular opinion?
• Do you alienate or give others the silent treatment, if they disagree with you?

Use of language during assertive communication 

Make sure that you use positive and friendly language while asserting your opinions, feelings and thoughts. Ensure that you clearly and directly communicate what you want to convey while being respectful and polite. Use “I” messages, instead of “you” messages, so that you do not shame or blame the other person. A simple strategy for this would be to describe the other person’s behaviour, how that made you feel and the result that you would prefer. In the situation at the beginning of the article, you could potentially say, “I understand that you are worried about how your boss treated you and would want to talk about it (your friend’s behaviour), but I have had a rough day too. I am exhausted and I don’t think I can pay full attention to you now (your feeling). Can we talk about this tomorrow? (Preferred action).”

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While paying attention to the words you use, it is also suggested that you pay attention to your non-verbal body language. Make sure you share eye contact with the other person and show a confident posture while asserting your stance.  Other cognitive and behavioural strategies to enhance assertiveness 

Some other strategies to be followed while engaging in assertive communication include – 

• Knowing, communicating and protecting your boundaries and those of others 
• Accepting that you can only control your response to others’ behaviours 
• Be open and listen fully to others’ perspectives before responding to them
• Engage in active and empathetic listening to understand others better 
• Try role-playing and rehearsing assertive behaviours
• Practice mindfulness 

In conclusion, assertiveness is the golden path to fully engaging yourself and others in authentic and open communication. It bestows benefits not just socially but also extends to physical and psychological benefits.

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