8 Things to say When Someone Gaslights you

Person A: Gaslighting? Oh….lighting the stove before cooking?

Person B: HaHaHa…..that’s funny. Well, its a psychological tactic, or a trick you may say…..

Person A: Oh….haven’t heard of it before…..

Person B: Yeah….. It has been a few years that this word is trending, and presently it has been popularized so much by the GenZ. Okay, let me tell you more about it….

Gaslighting can be defined as the psychological technique or tactic of manipulation that undermines an individual’s perception of reality, their thinking, opinions, beliefs, emotions and experiences. It leads an individual to question the validity of their statements, to such an extent, that they might end up being confused, under-confident, with low self-esteem.

Gaslighting is a very potent tool in the hands of abusers who can use it to subject their victims to mental abuse so cleanly, that the victims start questioning their self-worth without even understanding that they are abused, rather than being Gaslighted. It is a very common thing to happen in romantic relationships or any relationship in general.

It involves disregarding, downplaying or ignoring the work one has done, thus questioning their efforts, sincerity, and memory, making them feel miserable, puzzled and at fault for something that doesn’t exist, or they didn’t do. In most cases, it is so subtle, unrecognizable and presented in the form of ‘wise opinion’, ‘the right thing to do’, that it negatively impacts one’s mental health without them blaming the person doing it. 

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a person, i.e, the perpetrator of Gaslighting, can use the following ways to practice the act of manipulation on the target (i.e, the person being gaslighted): 

• Regularly erasing their ‘search’ history
• Buying an alternate phone or a cheap voice recorder
• Storing any proof related to the perpetrator’s activities, somewhere out of the target’s reach, which could be in a hidden place or with a trusted person.

Gaslighting goes hand in hand with domestic violence. In a survey conducted by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 74% of adult female victims of domestic violence reported experiencing gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner

According to Clinical Psychologist Pooja Gupta, Dealing with gaslighting in relationships requires a multi-faceted approach. Start by trusting your own perceptions and feelings—your reality matters. Keep a record of incidents as they happen to help clarify the situation for yourself. It’s crucial to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional who can provide perspective and validation. Setting clear boundaries with the person gaslighting you is essential. If the behaviour continues despite your efforts, prioritizing your mental health might mean distancing yourself from the toxic relationship.

Gaslighting: Definition, Examples And Support

Gaslighting in the workplace is becoming quite frequent and common day by day and is considered a process that occurs in a work environment from someone in a position of power, such as a supervisor, toward a subordinate, thus, it is a misuse of power.

Read More: Stonewalling vs Gaslighting

The term “gaslighting” comes from the name of a 1938 play (which also mars the use of the word for the very first time) and 1944 film, “Gaslight”, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she has a mental illness. In the year 2023, another film called “Gaslight” was released, directed by Pavan Kirpalani, with the protagonist being Sara Ali Khan. This particular film garnered a huge round of views and is quite capable of explaining, rather than showing what “gaslight” can look like and to what extent it can affect the mental health of the individual. 

One’s mental health is one’s priority. It accounts for people to know how to identify and take a stand against being gaslighted. It is important to safeguard one’s self-esteem against the attempt of anyone to demean it. In this respect, let’s talk about 8 things to say when someone gaslights you.

1. “I think we share different perspectives on that, and it’s okay. We can work it out”:

It is important for someone to believe that their perspective may be different from that of the other person, but is equally important and deserves to be understood. Thinking differently doesn’t make anyone any less recognizable or acknowledgeable from someone else. It is the most essential substance in any form of bonding which binds people together through their ups and downs.

Read More: How to Speak so that People Will Listen: Psychology Behind Communication

2. “My feelings are valuable, and I acknowledge them” :

Knowing the weight of your emotions and feelings is the crux of safeguarding oneself from being gaslighted. It is quite an observable quality in women in collective societies, nurturing and promoting feminine values where women are easily manipulated to believe the other person’s thoughts, even if it means acknowledging them as wrong. Knowing the gravity of one’s feelings and opinions is not equivalent to disrespecting the other person’s feelings – and this is what one should remember when one states mind outright.

Read More: Are Women More Emotional than Men?

3. “I understand what you mean, and I don’t agree with it” :

We have the right to say “No”, or “I don’t agree” to agreement, under any situation, if we feel like it. It’s normal. It’s human. If someone makes you feel otherwise, it’s that person at fault, and not yours. It brings out to light, the need for every individual to step up and put their opinions in front of others, without fearing judgment or criticism from people who mean to ‘dim my light’ and nothing else.

4. “You are being inconsiderate of my opinion/feelings” :

Use of phrases like “you are being annoying”, “do you know how insane you sound?”, “you are being dramatic”, and “Stop acting so sensitive” are the main signs of Gaslighting. Recognizing that these phrases are toned to humiliate, disrespect, ignore and disregard the victim’s feelings, one must take a stand for themselves and communicate their disapproval to those person/persons. Even if that means falling apart from that agreement, it will be worthy of your mental peace.

5. “I  have  a functional mind, and I am speaking it” :

Well, this statement here doesn’t require much of an explanation as it speaks for itself. Some people may equate it with sarcasm, but in reality, it is an expression of self-respect, independence, dignity, and self-esteem, accounting for one’s own identity.

6. “I am open to communicating my feelings. Let me know  when you are open to discussing it with me without being critical or judgmental about it” :

When misunderstandings occur, it is wise to let go of your ego, and approach the other person to communicate, as we all know, ‘Communication is the key to a stronger relationship’. Even though Gaslighting is all about intentional and subtle manipulation, learning more about the other person’s feelings and communicating your own may sow the seeds of a positive turning. Effective communication (where both parties ought to be patient, and cooperative and perceive each other to be on the same platform), may help ensure the healthy growth of the respective relationship. 

7. “I get that I am wasting my energy by talking to a wall” :

It simply means one’s consciousness and sanity to accept that they are putting genuine efforts to explain themselves, to someone who is rigid, stubborn, and with their perception being as static as a wall, i.e., unchanging, and stuck at the same point. It is their indication to withdraw themselves from that whole situation, attempting to restore balance, because Swami Vivekananda once said, “Words are Silver, but Silence is Gold”.

8. “I would be delighted and thankful if you mind your own business” :

For people who are not ready to accept unnecessary and baseless criticisms, and are against compromising with their self-esteem, it is the perfect statement that they can say to the ones trying to gaslight them. Reciprocating to anyone’s intention to undermine your efforts should be as tactful as the act of Gaslighting itself. Setting boundaries and making people know that their remarks are unwelcome is something very brave and worth encouraging. 

YOU matter for what you think. YOU matter for how you feel – let your identity be the aura brightening the dawn and dusk, and not a shadow being defined by somebody else. 

If there is anyone who doesn’t accept you with your thoughts and expressions, then it’s wise to maintain distance (I would have said ABANDON, but that would be a little over the board) from them, to establish a better and greater state of mind and wellbeing.